My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Friday, September 17, 2010

tired, angry and borderline emotional

I know I've posted a lot here already in the past 24 hrs but obviously I need to. I think this is going to turn into my online journal after this is over. I just need a me space. Well today has been interesting and difficult. I ended up getting very little sleep last night after posting my story, was hard to put it out there like I did, not knowing how anyone was going to react, how I would react etc. But I did it. I woke up this morning and wanted to pull it down, but I sat and thought more about leaving it. I kinda realised that I shouldn't have to hide from it or be ashamed off it, I mean I still am but I'm slowly starting to see its not all my fault.

Most of today was doing PS tasks as you can see and getting organised for the round. I ended up having a good talk to my female housemate tonight about her husband and his attitude of late, we worked out its a problem with him because we have both been having similar thoughts/issues with him. I think we planning on sitting down during the holidays to have a talk together over issues, not looking forward to it but will wait and see.

I also did my measure up task this morning. I will post more details on it in the next few days. Doing photos I took a side shot, I havent taken a side shot for quite a few months. I wanted to compare before and afters, I needed something to show me I had changed/am changing. When i went to find other shots on camera tonight to compare I realised I've lost my memory card =( so now need to do a hunt tomorrow to find it. I did find some of the printed versions of the photo I was looking for which was good. Until I compared them, I just didnt see as much of a change as I thought I would. I know my stomach is still my problem area, especially due to my huge scar, but it really got me upset. I dont know what I was expecting but I think I fell into the trap of comparing myself to others again. So yeah my head isnt givng me the best messages right now but will keep going and find the better stuff soon I hope.

Also got so angry at housemates tonight, I have to be up early on Saturdays to get to work experience on time, so means im up at 6am. They dont care and have friends over and do workouts in the room next to mine all night often until 2-3am. Becuase they dont have to get up, it doesnt' matter to them. Well tonight before they went out I asked them if they were bringing anyone home, if it was a late night etc so I knew what to expect, because generally if I know I can plan when I try and sleep better. They said nope early night home by 10 no one else is coming.

Fine sounds great, an early night for me then, so I went off and had a bath to relax (because I cant eat anything anymore and I was starting to overthink the whole blog thing again) and just got back on the computer to say good nite before bed and bang they arrive, with not only the usual 2 friends but their friends as well. So I now have 6 people making noise, cooking, making a mess in the kitchen and they pretty much woke me up, I was about 5 mins off sleep and have now been wide awake for the past hour because they freaking came home. Worst part is they will wake me when they leave at whatever hour because these particular friends seem to find it funny I have to get up early and therefore go to bed early, so they deliberately bang or slam the door on the way out to try and wake me up.

So yeah all in all I'm not all that happy now, I was pleased with the day and I am pleased with certain wins I've had along the way tonight. I got berries and have got them individually packaged in the freezer, I have ingredients for soup, and will get the rest to do Nat's lasange tomorrow. I feel like I've got so much I need to do right now, just a little overwhelmed with everything, besides the emotions of everything. But already much more in control, Im actually slightly amazed at the difference in my attitude and language already just from actually putting the story out there. Yes it hurts if i read it again (which I cant at moment) but doing it has helped me to realise a few things as I've gone.

Anyway I think they've moved the noise to the other end of the house, so I shall log off for another night and do my meditation to calm thy brain hopefully equalling sleep.

Btw I also commit to getting up on time to get breakfast and snacks packed to take with me to work experience, I will not stop for bakery items or eat fast food on a Saturday because of work experience (old excuse)

Until tomorrow

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