Day 6- Reality takes time

Saturday Week 1 for most of you this would mean doing a super saturday smash up. For me it means another morning spent driving and finishing hours at work experience, which means I get up to leave at 6:30, go load weights at the gym for 3 hours then drive home arriving sometime around midday. I long ago established that
Saturday training just doesnt work for me on this schedule because after dealign with teenage boys for 3 hours plus 2 hours driving in the car by the time I get home all I want is a nap. So Saturdays have become my rest days, which works fine for me at the moment because I dont currently have a job or anything much scheduled on a Sunday.

I know I said I was planning to get up and run this morning, but that feel apart when there was a noisy house until 2am and i was awake until then anyway. I also had all 4 boys by myself today with no supervisor so added pressure there and I needed a 1/2 decent sleep to get through it.

Work experience turned out to be quite ok (1 boy away, 2 were fine the 3rd was handful but managable+finished slightly early), I took my food like i said I would and happily munched my way through a punnet of strawberries on the way home which tided me over nicely until lunch. Came home got changed and we were off again, this time back to HarbourTown for more outlet shopping fun (aka Espirt and Colorado). I wont bore you with details of every single item I tried on (there were a few) instead I'll tell you what I came home with. Over the past 2 days I have reinvented my summer wardrobe.

2x shorts
1x skirt
3x  printed tee shirts
2 x tank tops
1x blouse/more formal nice top
2x dresses (1 goal dress and 1 i can wear now)

I got rather excited today because I had a favourite green singlet top I'd found in Espirt but the style of singlet was a little strange and didnt' suit me all that well, however today we found the fabric print in a full shirt style and tried it on, it does up now with some very tight buttons, so I have now found my goal top 1/2 outfit. I also found a maxi dress which I love the fabric print of and whilst I cant get it all the way on now but the dress is that long that if I dont end up being able to get into it we can easily make it into a skirt (or else I'm that short that everything is massively huge on me) anyway I digress given I only paid $5 for it Im not fussed if it ends up being a skirt.

After shopping we stopped at the video store and grabbed Brand New Day (sorry not spelt that way) and The Blind Side to continue our girly day. We first saw the Blind Side when it was out in the movies and loved it (I'm a big sad sop when it comes to anything biographical/based on true story/inspirational etc) and I've been hearing of so many people on twitter who have been watching it lately and felt a little left out, so I decided I needed to see it again, so I did.

Food tonight has been ordinary to say the least, lets just put a few words together and I'll let you piece the rest together. Ready... housemate......chocolate......chips........movie......."you've been doing so much exercise you deserve it, you've got softball tomorrow anyway so you'll burn it off"....No thanks.....(5 mins later)....repeat...........(every 2 mins thereafter).....Mel caved.......only had a small portion and felt immediately sick (learning the lesson) but still caved. And now I kinda realised its like 10:30 and cos of the chocolate and chips I'm not hungry and kinda didn't eat dinner....ooops =$ (honest mistake) I promise I will eat before I go for run and training tomorrow (possibly a banana or something light but I will eat, I refuse to have another attack of the faints like what happened a few weeks ago).

I'd just come back up to my room after the movie marathon (ok few hours) and switched computer on, when my phone rang. Was the family doing the weekly check in on how I'm going etc. Then right at the end I hear this voice in the background (dad's) going tell Mel about nan I cant be bothered. So I asked and my sister tells me that my nan has been in hospital for almost a week and had surgery on Tuesday. Now this is pretty big news for me, because those that know the full story from last round know how close I am to this nan. She effectively raised me when I was growing up to the point where I was calling her mummynan. At the start of round 2 she has some health troubles and had another operation then which was quite large and they discovered she had cancer, however being her age they decided treatment was worse that the disease progression and would just keep an eye on her. So to be told today she has been in hospital for that long had another operation without me being even informed was a pretty huge shock, worse was that she's had complications and is now expecting to stay longer. Now I have a few issues here.

1. My parents didn't think I was worth being told this news personally. Instead they gave that job to my little sister.
2. Tonight I realised that they are putting my little sis up on the 'adult' role I took for a long time. (before everyone freaks out-no nothing similar is happening to her, she is a very different personality to me and the family is in a completely different dynamic now). I'm just not comfortable with her being an 'adult' before her time I know how much of my childhood I missed through whatever reasons and its the years of your life that you never get back. That made me very upset tonight, because the past few days I've been reflecting on the stuff I've missed and one of the big things i've missed from my childhood is being able to play outside, drag a bean bag out onto the fresh cut lawn and lay in the sun reading a book, simple stuff like that I couldn't really do since I was about 7 (when my sister was born).
3. I was away when my uncle passed away, I was away when that happened, no one told me when I was away because it was such a long trip home (8-9 hours in car) and they didnt' want me brooding over it. Now I understand that but I wasn't happy to get home and go from everythings fine to oh wait your uncle is dead and to arrive to a house full of crying relatives is a difficult to deal with particularly given his death was sudden and it was on the night of my cousins wedding so the family went from big celebration to big cry fest (for different reasons of course). It took me a long long time to get over the fact that I could go away overnight and everyone would still be there when i got back.

Even now I still sometimes get hit with fears that because I'm now permanently away from the family something is going to happen and I wont be there where I need to be and tonight stirred all that up again.

Probably the biggest reality shock to hit tonight is that its not changing, meaning the way they think of me and act and show they care (or really dont) isn't changing. It got me wondering why I bother, why bother keeping these big dreams of them coming back to say sorry and we love you and we do care, and we're here for you whenever (they do say that but its not backed by anything to show they mean it). I keep those dreams going because at times they're all I have to keep myself going and I'll take whatever works, but really I'm learning I need to be more realistic, these things arent going to happen. I realised tonight they dont show I'm worth even talking to when someone is sick, let alone I'm worth doing anything for myself. So I'm back at where I started this blog, why do I bother?

Because I can say that even only a week in Im starting to show I believe in myself more
I've got new clothes now so I have to be worth at the very least the money I spent on myself
I'm slowly coming out of my shell
Because since I posted the whole story on here I've felt a lot freer and more in touch with my mind and body than I have in a long time and aside from the initial worry and slight freak out when I saw someone who knew everything (in more detail than is included here) I haven't worried or stressed about it since putting it out there
Why because I'm starting to own my truth and accept my responsibilities and thats what its going to take from me.

Been a big day today, ended with a big out of control cry session and I felt quite horrible (sorry to those I was chatting with on facebook at the time, it wasnt pretty and I was typing without being able to see the screen) but all is good now. Although I definitely need to listen to a meditation tonight, I'm thinking inner child might be a bit strong (and tear jerking-its now my back up need to cry substitute), perhaps finding your heart or just the mini relaxation break will work.

Anyhow tomorrow is a run (yes it will happen at some point) and double softball training then coffee with the SA 12wbt peeps, will be good to see some new and old faces again (did I mention I have issues facing new people with my story out there =$ even though I'm not entirely sure any of them have read this..if I act strangely I promise its not cos of you, its all me and my silly mind games). But I can also wear my new clothes cos the weather is supposed to be awesome, eekk just realised its now past 11pm and I need sleep desperately so I'll catch you all tomorrow with my end of week overview.

Nite
Mel =)