My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Owning my Truth-starting with acknowledgement WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT

So they say the first step on any journey is acknowledging. This is about when I start freaking out over what I'm about to post. But just before I wrote this out tonight, I jumped on the forums and read a few posts by our wonderful leader the one and only Mish I just need to highlight a few points I read that jumped out at me.

Because it takes a brave and couragous person to step up and put themselves out there

Courage is found when you are bold enough to come clean, do a bit of true soul searching and lay it on the table - good, bad and ugly. This is the stuff that gives you strength to move forward. It gives you the metal to be able to sit firmly in the drivers seat.

I'm hoping this is true, because if what I'm about to put up isn't coming clean and soul searching then I dont know what is. I give you my commitment to be 100% honest from here on about everything and I mean everything. Its gonna be hard, the fact that I am still dribbling away here avoiding the fact I could have copied and pasted.

Ok here goes nothing. I understand if you all hate me after reading this or if you think I"m weird or wrong and undeserving and gross etc. I get it. 

I'm gonna put this up in parts. I know its long but its my story, the whole story and for once I'm going to own the whole dammed thing. 

Here goes nothing #icandothis #breathe

So here goes the reason behind the weight gain, and saturdays breakdown, the truth, the pain and shame and guilt and everything.

Before my life got out of control, a few things were happening. Good things, my grandpa had recently passed away (bad thing) but a few weeks later I won a heavily discounted gym membership at the local ladies gym. I’d gotten in a routine of getting up at 5:30am every morning, going straight to gym working out and then coming home to go to work or whatever. It didn’t matter if I had come off a night or if I had a night shift the next night, 95% of the time I was at the gym at 5:30am doing a full hours training before my day.  I was feeling so good about myself, I knew what I was doing, was happy in control, everything was right.

Until I got my first boyfriend. He started showing an interest in me and it was the first time anyone apart from family had shown an interest or truely cared for me. I cant remember when but one day he brought me flowers, i felt so special, someone had taken the effort to get me flowers, something I hadn't had to ask for. I was so happy with him, I knew at school he hadnt always had the best reputation-class clown etc but I seriously thought he had changed. he was so sweet and caring, would ring me after I finished work no matter what the time was (I was working management shifts by this stage so sometimes was 3am when i finished). He asked me out soon after as an official couple. I said yes thinking he had changed, i was innocent and naive.

At first dad was worried about my reputation-he shouldn’t have been. We never went on dates as such and wasnt very serious. We would meet up and go driving around town, hugged, kissed all that sorta stuff. It was my first for everything, he was so gentle and caring. We went out with a couple of friends to the local lookout, I got there before him and we sat they were drinking I wasnt-never really liked alcohol. We sat and watched as he came speeding thru town to meet us, he had a really loud car that could hear and see for miles.

Eventually we left, he drove me home. One the way he took all the backroads, as he was driving he looked at me and said I can drive and kiss you and hug you and still be driving without looking at the road. That scared me I didnt want someone who wouldnt care about me like that. It hit me in the guts, I thought he cared, apparently we werent quite on the same page. I was confused scared and tired. By the time we got to my street, it got worse. We had only just moved to the area and I was getting used to the new roads and ways to get everywhere. At one stage he turned off the lights and drove down the road at about 100km in pitch black, I screamed, he started laughing, not just a nice laugh an evil one which I've never forgotten. He deliberately drove to the opposite end of my street to my house and turned off the car. He knew dad was waiting at home and that I had a curfew. I tried to get out but realised the doors were already locked. He said he wanted another kiss before he'd take me home. He'd no sooner said that than his hands were all over me, trying to pull clothes off, he got me 1/2 undressed and was touching me. I dont know how i got out of that car without something more serious happening. I didnt sleep for 3 days. A few days later I messaged him and broke up with him. He was so angry, apparently he'd gone and had a massive fight with someone else because of me. I was absolutely terrified of him. I was going to the bank for work, and he deliberately tried to run me through at a roundabout, whenever he saw me in the street he started shouting abuse and trying to attack me. Needless to say I was pretty upset over the whole thing and had gone back into my shell for a while.

A few weeks after this happened I went to work early expecting a normal day, going in early to complete rosters and finish the end of week paperwork from the day before. When I got in there the delivery truck was already waiting, I was expecting it but it never got there that early. I mean it didn’t matter really cos it meant it could be put away faster and we would have more time later for other stuff.

Unfortunately it was a new driver, one I had never met. I went out to open up for him and introduce myself. That was fine, nothing weird. He asked if we had coffee because it was early morning and he'd been on the road for 10 hours. I went and organised a cup, spoon, sugar all the normal stuff. He made a comment about how I would be good as a housewife, the perfect housewife, never complain, do as I was told, be organised, always want to please and other stuff I don’t remember/blocked.  I found that weird but didn't comment I mean I'd known this guy for like 2 mins. Then he started insulting me as to why Im in this job when i was too young to be responsible, should be out partying and doing drugs n getting pregnant like everyone else, he was basically implying the old sex drugs and rock and roll theme. He kept telling me I should go live in all the promiscuous streets in the cities and get into trouble.

That day he refused to unload the truck until the team members arrived, stating I was too small, too weak, only a girl, too short to do anything, umm hello I'd unloaded that truck myself 3x wk for over a year, stacked 3 tonnes of frozen chips by myself at least once a wk. But I couldn't stand up for myself, something in what he had said had struck a nerve. I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen. I went back inside to do my paperwork so I could get something done. Instead he followed me. he kept me talking for over 90mins that day, all sorts of completely inappropriate stuff that i cant even write here.

By this stage I was close to hysterics, I didnt know how to handle it, what to say or do cos everything I was saying or doing he was turning into something sexual. I couldn't get away because I couldn't leave the store. the team members arrived and saved me, thank god. I was able to ring them and ask them to come in early- thankfully i was really close to the two full timers who were there for the majority of the time. This continued in the same way every second day when he came for about 3 weeks. Except it got worse, he started to mimic my body curves (while i was wearing plastic apron), trying to grab my hands and kiss me, locking me in the cold room and trying it in the freezer.

By then it was common knowledge on the staff that the truckie was hitting on me. It was the standing joke oh there goes the truck, hope Mel’s not on when he comes back next wk etc. I played along, hiding it as you do, no one needs to know. Until my boss spoke to me about it one day, and i broke. She realised it was bad. I ended up having a panic attack whilst trying to tell her what had happened. She got straight on phone to area manager and they spoke to delivery company.

Turns out it was decided that because I was the one who would be leaving shortly and the company couldn't find anyone else it was my problem to deal with, they spoke to the driver and told him there was a problem with the local run, and of course because we only store on the list he knew who the 'problem' was Me.

Next time I saw him he tried to intimidate me, and did so successfully, he cornered me in the office and laid into me, yelling and screaming abuse at me. Telling me I had no proof, no one believe me, I wasnt worth anything, no one cared about me cos im just a small little so and so and all i was good for was to be taken out the back and beaten up, and left in a rubbish bin raped.  The full time cook came in at that point, he almost knocked this guys head off ive never seen him so angry and ive never been so out of control without knowing what was going on. In the end best company could do was make sure i was never alone with him again- too late damage was done-the seed of doubt was planted and growing fast. 

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