So after having this lightbulb at about 2am I went to sleep (took a while after freaking out over what I posted) but eventually I went to sleep. I got up today and I had a shower, I did my measure up and photo and came back and made my bed. I just took a heap of old stuff to the salvos and once I finish these tasks off today I'm going to keep decluttering my room.
Ok now I've got that out- here is my long list of excuses (and solutions-I hope)
- tired- blame anemia
- not good enough
- dont deserve it
- doing it for him and not for me
- change is too hard and scary because I have to admit to things I am ashamed of or that are difficult to talk about
- Ive been so good so I can have 1......... (and eat a huge portion)
- scared of pump/weights because of bad experience with instructor
- IBS/stomach/thyroid issues all playing up
- too expensive
- too hard to plan my life
External (in control)
- food being eaten/missing when I do a big shop
- going to gym (travelling there)
External (no control)
- PTSD flares including in no particular order flashbacks, night terrors, panic attacks, phobias, general anxiety and depressive episodes
- Nan's health
I have to make the choice to change my thinking. I have signed up for this 3 times already, surely that must mean I do think more of myself than what I sometimes say. I know I think more highly of myself than what I put out there, because after all I've had to be my biggest fan. Yes that sometimes means stopping bad behaviours and in the context my 'biggest fan voice' hasn't sounded all that positive, yet it has been in my best interest to listen to it. I know this probably makes no sense but I understand what I mean. eg if I was thinking of going for a late night binge, if I did get all the way to maccas choosing a single cheeseburger over a large meal with icecream is a win for me. Those are the sorts of things I need to start recognising as achievements. I did get a lot better at this during round 2 so looking to continue and extend on this.
The other big thing I've started doing in regards to my self care is listening to a meditation podcast by www.meditationoasis.com each night just before I go to bed. I'm finding taking that time for me, no matter how late I do get to bed is really helping me sleep better and be calmer over all the changes and big things I'm doing. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to consider putting myself out there like this, and that is one big thing that is helping this. Having quiet time to reflect and understand and repeat the same positive messages to myself really is helping my focus.
Apart from those solutions the other big one I have for myself is to make a commitment and be firm on it. Yes I have several ongoing health issues which can affect my exercise and training but the more committed and dedicated I am to finding a routine, the more that routine will become a habit. For me once I have a habit of doing something I'm fine. Then it becomes a lot harder to break and blow off for nothing. In saying that though another large part of my journey is learning to listen to my body. I've been so shut off from feelings, emotions, thoughts everything that for a long time I was quite sick without knowing about it, purely because I wasn't in tune with myself enough to listen to the messages I was sending myself. That has changed as well, so I need to be careful to listen to the I'm sick need a lower intensity/extra rest day rather than the I'm sore cos I've been training days.
In terms of the fear of doing pump/weights I have attacked this so far by buying Tight toned terrfic. I'm going to do this for the first little while and set a goal of getting back to regular classes/gym weights by the second month of the program (or earlier). A lot of this fear is to do with a bad experience I had at my first class, where the instructor was quite rude and made me feel worthless again because of the weights I was lifting as a beginner. But at there is one instructor at my new gym which I love for rpm and she also teaches pump, so I think the way to go would be do one of her pump classes regularly if I can fit it in.
External excuses, the big one I have is housemates stealing my food. The often do it when I have any cheese other than fetta in the fridge-and I know cheese isnt the best thing to have, but my salad veggies if they are bagged and not made up will disappear, my bread, eggs, baked beans everything will just go. I've now got a box in my room for my pantry items but cant keep fridge items anywhere else. Back in round 2 we made a rule where the middle fridge shelf was mine only and we got our own food. Except they seem to forget this, and when their friends come over they dont care for our rules. And I'm to chicken to stand up for myself in front of him, cos he is an arrogant a#$e who doesn't listen to anything I say. Because they are married now and its his mums house (was his uncles until he passed) its effectively their house and I"m just keeping the rent down, so his verdict rules. To the point where I cant put the washing machine on any higher than a certain spin level because it makes to much noise! At one stage he was accusing us of using too much toilet paper and blocking the toilet. But long story short I would like to move into my own place, I just cant afford it right now or I would be out like a shot. Meanwhile any ideas on how to stop food going walk about are much appreciated. I cant even leave froz vege or berries or meat in the freezer, particularly if its in boxes it just disappears =( makes it very hard to plan what I'm eating when I do plan it and come home to find half my ingredients missing.
PTSD is something I have no control over, in a sense. I'm learning I cant control the severity of the attacks, but I can kinda pre-empt them so I know roughly what to expect when it happens. One thing I can do is recognise it for what is happenng when it hits and ask for support when I need it. Thats where this blog comes in, and twitter and facebook. I feel like I've been asking for a lot from everyone lately, and that is difficult for me to do, I never used to admit to feeling bad or needing support, now I'm starting to actively seek it when I need it - I guess you could call it a form of self care.
So I reckon thats a pretty good wrap of my excuses. A lot of them I knew I did already, but the bigs things for me are to keep being honest, realising I dont need to hide from the past any longer, and keep asking for help, as well as loving myself enough to take care of me and my environment everyday.
Now to set some goals.