Heres Part 2
Just after the harrassment issue it was between 2-4 wks. i was outside on the decking of our house, with a trusted family member, having a talk about everything and anything. My future, moving away for uni, work, life in general. He'd had a couple of beers, I'd had about 1/2 a cruiser-pineapple flavoured- weird i remember that? Anyway I stood to look up at the stars, leaning on the railing. He came up behind me and hugged me, that was fine, I leant in as the breeze picked up. He started rubbing my stomach, at the same time he said something like 'i shouldn't do this', i was like what are you talking about. Then he grabbed me and started pinching whilst making horrible comments to me.
After that you'd have thought I'd be smart and think to go inside to bed. But no I didnt-stupid girl!!! I stayed out there and at the time I knew I couldnt leave wtihout making him angry, so i stayed. it was such a beautiful night, i wanted to savour it knowing i was leaving for the city shortly and would be away from everyone didn;t help the decision to stay outside. we were laying there and he started hugging me again, stroking me, pulling at my stomach again. he had one arm around my neck/head almost suffocating me and the other around my waist. then he started rubbing and pinching my chest again, it was so painful, and his breathing suddenly went really weird. he hurt me so bad, the wind was freezing by this stage so it hurt even more. i kept trying to roll away but i couldn’t he would grab me tighter at one stage he pulled me by my hair as he bit my ear. then he was taking my clothes off. i tried to pretend i was asleep so it would be over, but he didnt' care. he was rubbing himself all over me, i could feel it poking me, he went lower and lower. i dont know what stopped him, i think someone inside the house made a noise. i know he did things on my back i remember that feeling, i was scum, dirt, no good for anything except to be wiped on. he kept breathing on me, all over my face, neck, ear, i still cant handle wind or breathe on my ears.
After i somehow ended up lying about not being able to sleep and getting back inside to my bed. it was over an hour all up. i went to my room, which was right next to theirs so i couldnt cry or someone would know it had happened and that wasnt even a thought, it was our secret, if not he would kill me, his brother had killed which in my head meant he knew how to as well. that night when i went back into my room i felt strange. Beyond the upset and confusion of what had happened there were new feelings there, it was weird. Like something inside me had been flicked. that freaked me out, i had a response to what happened, i couldnt' control it but it had happened, which made it even more my fault that it already was. before this happened i was really close to him he was the one i went to for anything.
Besides the fact my mum constantly degraded me, and slapped my face in public at 17, and refused to say anything nice to me at all me and her have never got on. she sees me as the one who cooked the meals at 8 years old so she could change my sister, i was the one who sat up with my sisters when they cried at night while dad was away because she couldnt' deal with it, i took the bruises and cuts meant for them when they were still toddlers cos she couldn't cope. I got cut by the window that broke when she tripped over the tennis racet. I was the one who smiled to the outside world before hiding the secrets. I won the class cooking competition in year 6 because I had been cooking dinner for the family for over a year. I was the one who did the laundry and washing even when my friends were over. I was the one who ended up with stitches cos she dropped me as we were walking over a rock at the national park. i was the one who was refused crutches when i hurt my ankle, because i wasnt tough enough to deal with out them-docs told me it would be quicker to heal if id broken it-she then wrenched my foot around and held it down until i said sorry for making a mess with the ice. i could go on forever. so yeah he was my saviour, i was his girl, the apple of his eye, he was proud of me i never did anything to upset him, i dont think i could have upset him if id tried. after this happened i avoided him like the plague for about a wk, then he came up and apologised, said he'd done the wrong thing. how disappointed he was in himself etc. i thought it might be ok, every part of me wishing it was hoping it was true that it was just a bad dream. then on the way back up to the house again he grabbed me again, this time he squeezed quite hard, it was only brief but it hurt. i ran away pretending it was a game- of course it wasnt. this was not one minute after he'd apologised for it all. i was devastated i tried to give up my good family dreams then and there but dreams die so hard.
about 3 wks later we had relatives come to stay for my nans birthday. they had a caravan in our backyard, we were in the shed about 5m from the caravan just talking when he came up and pushed me into a corner, he grabbed me again. i didnt know what to do, i squealed he took it as a joke again, let me go and i ran away.
That was 06, its now 2010 and its been a few years. Since then i moved to uni, started one course, swapped courses, lived in a house with a guy, was assaulted and harrased by his friend at 2am. spent 2.5 years on antidepressants had upwards of 10 near suicide attempts, was unable to cry for 3.5 years, told no family members, told no one for the first 9months, broke down in a tutorial one morning and found myself at the counsellors office. the first person i told was a guy, my boss he arranged time off and turned into my surrogate father figure i literally owe him my life.
I ate and ate and ate, in the process gained 35 kgs within the first 12 months. I hated my body, I still do. family put weight gain down to stress of uni, change of routine etc. i didnt see him for 5 months after that happened, he acted as nothing happened, so did i, its easier hide the shame and guilt from the eyes of everyone. its our secret. eventually i told a few more people, realised it really happened and does really affect me now. then i got worried something was happeing to the girls so i told my aunt, was difficult, not sure how people react to it, is what scares me that is confronting. i can deal with how i react in relation to it to hide it well. once its out that gets scary and unpredictable- i'll prob be funny first time i see u guys after knowing u read this its nothing u guys have done its all my stupid head screaming for caution/protection. i had 2 change counsellors 3 times in 2 months cos of changing services and then my first one went on holiday and never came back =$ which made it difficult, the bond needed to tell this stuff is incredibly hard to do and takes a lot of energy, not just in the telling but in the analysing after, the deciding which parts are safe to test the relationship on, how to word it without flaring a full on flashback or panic attack etc.and its the worrying after that the person will judge me they'll hate me they think im different or weird, should i have told that etc etc
after i told my aunt she confronted him about it, he rang me feeling guilty and kept telling me he ruined my life etc, not helpful considering he had no idea how much he had hurt me in combination with the other stuff i was beginning to believe i had a brand across me saying victim or vulnerable or something.he was angry at me then for telling, very angry im glad i wasnt at home cos it would have got very unsafe. i went home a few times in the next couple of years. every time he saw me he made no mention of what happened except for one time when he asked if we 'were good?' i had no idea how to reply- hello im in his environment, not safe what else am i going to say gotta keep him happy so he more predictable. he hadnt tried anything else, except for the ongoing longer than neccessary squeeze to tight and feel me up whilst doing it hug. but im used to that now its normal. it doesnt hurt like it used to.
so nothing major until last wk
he was over for the show stuff, stayed at nans place. him, another friend who stayed and pa had organised to go into a strip club. was dads idea, and he flaunted it, everywhere he went he told people, and it was always in front of me. he wanted me to drop them off which i did on my way home to pack for sydney trip. that was the last i saw of them, i went to sydney and after a week of facing him the old messages were back, i wasnt worth it, i didnt deserve it, i looked terrible, nothing was good enough, no one cared (couldnt have been further wrong there), i was different, everything hurt, it would happen again and it would be deserved cos i shouldnt have been there without permission from him etc) lead to breakdown-as u all witnessed. that was cos my abs were crap, i was pissed off, scared, unsure what to expect, tired, worthless etc. ended up feeling pretty okay with the whole weekend.
I came home the next night to a message that (censored) said, thanks so much for dropping us off at the club the other night, we had such an awesome time, the girls were great. Im so sad you couldnt stay with us, it would have been so much more fun with you there, because your looking so great right now even if your still chubby- dont forget my bet i want you! that one hit hard, no matter what he said he hadnt changed, he isnt changing, i still love him, but seriously i was shocked and scared. im not seeing him until xmas and now this is where it becomes a head vs heart decision on my weight. I know i want to get to healthy range and i shouldnt listen to him anymore, he cant control me but at the same point i still find i slip back into the little girl role far to easily when im around him.
Finally cried in front of counsellor about this all and explained a fair bit of my feelings from the week of such a low high low rollercoaster, she put stuff back into perspective a bit and suggested i write this to help me see whats going on and its not my fault as much as i want to say it is cos its easier to take the shame and blame game on myself.
Last night i realised he tried to get me again while he was over last wk. i'd blocked it at the time cos was too hard, in public at the show, he did the hug feel touch thing again and at home in front of my grandma. i got bruises from it as well- i don’t remember it hurting at the time.
I know its not always this bad, and i understand its a journey and not a smooth one, the past week has been a massive struggle so im hoping it can get easier from here now im through the worst of it.
Well Mish you wanted honest, there you go. I cant give you any more than that. The posts tonight are why I gained weight and why I struggle with my head when my weight goes much lower than where it is now. Tomorrows tasks are excuses and goals. But first I need sleep- that is hoping I can sleep after putting this out there. I know you guys care (thats if anyone reads this =P) or I wouldn't have been able to do this.
I want a change, I'm sick of living in these shadows, its time I came forward and reclaimed my life, they've taken enough of my happiness, my spirit and my energy. I deserve time for me, I want time for me, I'm determined to give myself that chance.
PS- thank u for reading this far, I said the other day if you read all of this then you deserve a few medals because it meant that you've probably seen me at my worst and also now read the worst of my life. Thank you for being here. <3