My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Its been a while

Sometimes life just gets in the way.

I havent posted for quite a while, I know that. Why I hear you asking? a few reasons.

1. uni exams and final assesments have been crazy leaving me with no time and much to stressed to post
2. I managed to re-injure my hip enough that I did no exercise for quite a while
3. I was in a funk (and still am).
4. New job pressures and trying to adapt to working again
5. Family struggles

and the list could go on and on.

In short I've been super stressed, upset and not coping very well.

To top it off my nan was given a maximum of 12-24 months to live, the bowel cancer they removed earlier in the year has come back, but also spread to her lymph nodes and blood stream, reading the CT report it says 'very extensive nodular disease' which is not good at all, theres no point doing chemo or radio because she wouldn't cope. At this stage we're goign for quality over quantity. According to the family she's not going to make this date and some talk is that she may not make Christmas. I'm heartbroken at the moment, because she was effectively my carer for the first 8 years of my life (until my sisters were born and mum stayed home), I didnt go a day without seeing her for at least 5mins, to the extent that she still now watches playschool because we used to together.

I'm going home tomorrow for a whirlwind visit, i would stay longer, but I cant, with new job (3 weeks into it) and my intensive course starting Wednesday I just cant. I will get to see my sisters though and talk to them. I'm worried about how hard its hitting them, becuase they see her more than me, I wish I saw everyone more and its at times like this that I really really really hate being a country student, city kids get it so easy in many ways, dont have half the challenges we have. I cant just pop home to mums every day or afternoon when I need something, or drop in to have a coffee with nan, its either a 8 hr drive one way or a $200 plane ticket one way. I'm just glad that my parents wanted me to come home to fill in for their softball team anyway, so they agreed to pay for my trip.

Besides the fact I'm upset at seeing nan and how she's going to be (i've heard she looks terrible from weight loss and is in constant pain) I've also got the worry of seeing dad again and how everyoen is going to react to my weight loss. I've gained again over the past few weeks from lack of organsiation and stress eating. Its just been such an intense time, with so much going on its ridiculous.

So yeah thats whats been happening for me lately. right now the party seems futile, like a crazy idea, but I'm still going, I dont feel like I've achieved anything this round which is the main limiting factor in my head, but I have some friends I MUST catch up with in person, so I'm going.

Until next time

PS- give your loved ones an extra hug, you never know what life brings.