My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I feel a story coming on.....

Ok its been a while since I've been on here. It felt strange coming back to here, its been a while since i"ve been in a place like this.

A lot has happened since I last wrote and in no particular order I'll attempt to fill you in

  • i've moved house (yay!!!) finally away from the horrendous influences I was with
  • i had life under control for a while
  • moving house involved family and we all got on!
  • current job is still going steady, coming up to 6 months on
  • i've also managed to network my way to 5 different research positions at uni- meaning I work with my lecturers and tutors on various projects
  • I"ve discovered the research side of academics really interests me
  • I've been provisionally accepted to study honours this year once I graduate
  • I have a meeting next week with one of Australia's leading experts on childhood obesity and activity patterns to determine a project
  • I have 7 wks and 2 written exams left of my Bachelor degree
  • my softball team lost our grand final by 1 run in the second tiebreaker
  • I completed my level 1 softball Australia accreditation and will be presented with it at the SA softball association awards next weekend.
  • I have a new addiction to Lush
Now the not so cool stuff
  • I was forced to move quickly after housemate went crazy with hedge shears (end result I missed being speared by a small margin and spent the next 4 wks living in my room for fear of upsetting him) which brought up a lot of old feelings
  • few weeks back a second report was made to crisis line, this time police were invovled, I arrived home to a note saying police tried to call at my hosue and a missed call. I lost control of the situation, it was up to them when they acted and what they did, who they told and how it was told. 
  • said police intervention happened a few days ago (certain someone has gone crazy wild, but as yet not linked it back to me)
  • he thinks it was an aunty who reported, I believe it was another relative who had access to my journals while i was moving (and I know they were read without my knowledge). 
  • My nan almost certainly has under a week to live at the moment. I'm 750km away and can't get back to see her. Last time I saw her 3 weeks ago at a wedding she told me it would be the last time I saw her alive, so yeah thats going great (not)
  • My counsellor is leaving, she's 7 months pregnant, only issue is a new counsellor, with all these new stresses is a huge huge deal for me. As we said goodbye on the phone yesterday she told me I had to go to the first appointment regardless of how hard it is, I laughed, she knows me too well. 
So yeah thats me at the moment

weight and exercise wise, things haven't been great. I'm the first to admit that while I was living at old house I wasn't able to use the kitchen for months (due to dirt, mould, dishes etc) so I effectively lived on takeaway, which wasn't helpful in any way. Exercise wise I've struggled to find the groove since I injured my glute back in December, but I have joined a new gym, and am ringing on Wednesday to ask about a tour, because I haven't yet had it and hopefully it will give me more confidence. Now that life is more stable I am eating much better (cooking at home, preparing and freezing) which is a good sign. 

Needless to say in the midst of all that chaos in the first few months I didn't have either the time or money to do R1 of 12wbt. But  now things are better I'm considering coming back for R2 when it opens next week. But the reasoning behind that is whole other post.

M xx

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Last post round 3

So its the end of round 3! I feel like I should be excited, but I'm not. frankly theres too much going on in non 12wbt life that is way too full on for me to be excited.

Dont get me wrong I am very happy to be going to sydney for the party and workout and emazon. But Im not excited in the way I'm celebrating my last 12 weeks of work. Why you ask? because this time isnt about the past 12 weeks, weight loss wise, the best I have gained from them is that I have managed to maintain my weight over this period. Through injury, uni, exams, assessment, injury (again), new job, family being ill, me being ill, trauma healing, friends dying. I have maintained.

So this party isnt about what I've achieved this round, its about mroe than that, its about me being almost 30kgs lighter than I was this time last year, having fun with new found friends, enjoying myself and not letting things stop me or get to me.


in saying that its not quite that clear cut.

I'm putting it out there, I'm anxious, super crazy anxious about this weekend. Why? because everything is out there now, there is no turning back. This is the moment when it could all go wrong. In the sense that because its out there people may judge me, may insult me, say im not worth it and act strangely around me because of whats happened. But I had to do it, for me, which means i have to take the consequences (and not for 1 second do I believe any of that is true- its just my brain's reaction). I dont feel prepared for anything that will be coming, so i'm gonna go with it and warn that emotionally anything could happen.

thanks everyone for your support, I know i went a bit quiet for a while but it meant the world to me and still does. Hopefully I can catch you all at the finale


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Its been a while

Sometimes life just gets in the way.

I havent posted for quite a while, I know that. Why I hear you asking? a few reasons.

1. uni exams and final assesments have been crazy leaving me with no time and much to stressed to post
2. I managed to re-injure my hip enough that I did no exercise for quite a while
3. I was in a funk (and still am).
4. New job pressures and trying to adapt to working again
5. Family struggles

and the list could go on and on.

In short I've been super stressed, upset and not coping very well.

To top it off my nan was given a maximum of 12-24 months to live, the bowel cancer they removed earlier in the year has come back, but also spread to her lymph nodes and blood stream, reading the CT report it says 'very extensive nodular disease' which is not good at all, theres no point doing chemo or radio because she wouldn't cope. At this stage we're goign for quality over quantity. According to the family she's not going to make this date and some talk is that she may not make Christmas. I'm heartbroken at the moment, because she was effectively my carer for the first 8 years of my life (until my sisters were born and mum stayed home), I didnt go a day without seeing her for at least 5mins, to the extent that she still now watches playschool because we used to together.

I'm going home tomorrow for a whirlwind visit, i would stay longer, but I cant, with new job (3 weeks into it) and my intensive course starting Wednesday I just cant. I will get to see my sisters though and talk to them. I'm worried about how hard its hitting them, becuase they see her more than me, I wish I saw everyone more and its at times like this that I really really really hate being a country student, city kids get it so easy in many ways, dont have half the challenges we have. I cant just pop home to mums every day or afternoon when I need something, or drop in to have a coffee with nan, its either a 8 hr drive one way or a $200 plane ticket one way. I'm just glad that my parents wanted me to come home to fill in for their softball team anyway, so they agreed to pay for my trip.

Besides the fact I'm upset at seeing nan and how she's going to be (i've heard she looks terrible from weight loss and is in constant pain) I've also got the worry of seeing dad again and how everyoen is going to react to my weight loss. I've gained again over the past few weeks from lack of organsiation and stress eating. Its just been such an intense time, with so much going on its ridiculous.

So yeah thats whats been happening for me lately. right now the party seems futile, like a crazy idea, but I'm still going, I dont feel like I've achieved anything this round which is the main limiting factor in my head, but I have some friends I MUST catch up with in person, so I'm going.

Until next time

PS- give your loved ones an extra hug, you never know what life brings.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Finding my hero.....

No post for a while, sorry. Life has been busy. Crazy busy.

Uni has hit the crazy season, this week I have had 2 different group assignments due, which are crazy to try and organise 6 peoples timetables to find a mutual working time frame. Horrendous more than 3 lectures missed just becuase of impossible time table clashes. I also found out that the prac exam which I thought was in 2 weeks is actually next Monday. Meaning I have to find time to do a whole folder's full of notes and data collation in the next 4 days when I still have one group presentation to finish and making a time to go through the folder requirements with a friend on Friday.

Anyway thats uni. Uncontrollable chaos! In other news

Job update- i had the medical and interview for the cleaning position, all went really well, then I received a letter on Monday stating I was unsuccesful in the position. Which makes no sense to me because during the interview the manager (who would hire me) said she wanted me to start asap regardless of whether or not she was still on holidays when the paperwork came through. So i have no idea whats going on there. She doesnt get back to work until next week though so I cant really follow up with that one yet. And regardless of that I received another email tongiht. This time it was a job for a massage therapist at a chiropractors clinic which i applied for ages ago (like months) i received an update email a while ago sayign there had been an emergency and they woudl be contacting applicants shortly for filling the position, and just wanted to check to see who was still serious for the position.  I said I was and tonight the owner replied saying he wants to interview me and instead of asking me to meet a time, he asked when I was free to do it and said they woudl arrange things around my uni hours. I've replied with times and days for next week so will wait and see what happens.

Injury news, I'm still on restrictions. I did train at softball yesterday, but had to to prove to my coach i am fit to play this week. Im not doign any scheduled training this week again to ensure I'm right for the game on Saturday. Weight wise, very proud to lose 1.7 this week, with no exercise! My head clicked into gear a few days ago and a few good food days have really set me up again.

Also started a 'race' with Jess. We are both racing to hit healthy BMI and lose the last 7-8kgs till our goals. I'm now 1.5 away from healthy BMI with the scales hitting an even 60.0 kgs this morning. I'm only 400g up from my lowest ever weight which considering the emotional turmoil of the past few weeks is quite an achievement.

im dead tired tonight
too much brain power happening, will write more tomorrrow

btw sorry for bad grammar/spelling my new keyboard is very sensitive and even knocking the mousepad will jump the cursor and i cant always realise when it happens

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 31- Injury Strikes

Physio today
good news, my back, ankles, knees, hips and feet are fine. Muscular wise, my glute medius is strained. Luckily its one of the best muscles to injure if you want to try it (I dont recommend it). This means I have 10 days of no running, rpm or softball. I am allowed to walk, and do 1 set of bodyweight squats per day, plus stretches and some controlled contractions. Thankfully because of my 'youth' (her words not mine) I avoided getting my butt taped which I can imagine would be uncomfortable.

I'm not totally shattered by the prospect of no training, although I am frustrated and annoyed. More so because it means I miss softball this weekend and possibly next week as well. With the team being so competitive for places this will probably mean I have to come back through the D grade, when I've done all the training and preseason to earn my starting spot. But thats the way injuries go so fingers crossed I can push through, maintain the positives and do the rehab to get back asap.

So tonight I'm feeling a little blah after that, but like Jess said to me tonight, "you can focus on your eating and mind without feeling guilty about exercise". So far I've avoided the muesli bar box, and setting up for a night of stitching, stretching and tv. I did finally start my assignment today and got a good chunk of my group assignment done. Tomorrow is the rest of my other group project and try to get part of my big assignment written, rather than thought out.

Other good news was my test results came back in the normal range. so no more supplements for me =) I'm off to plan the rest of my training for this week.

Oh weigh in results today was 61.7, up 400gs from last week, but I'm happy because I really thought it was going to be well above my starting weight. I'm determined I'm going to lose next week regardless of how limited my training is.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I promised a recap of my goals and how I've gone for the first month.

Under 60kg - 2.3kgs loss
complete at least 1 combat class and 1 attack class
complete 1 fat burner class (new on gym timetable no idea what it is)
have a job

I almost have a job (had the medical today so waiting for paperwork to come back)
I did get to a combat class, but havent got to attack yet or fat burner (timetable clashes) so I'm going at some point this week, I'm also adding a step class in at some point.

I did get under 60kg in wk 3, but last week after my rather disasterous week in more than one way the weight worked up to a big gain. So from tomorrow (actually from tonight) I've recommitted. I've gone and shopped, i've got food in the house again. I'm taking tomorrows weigh in as whatever it is (there is a large chance it will be higher than my starting weight this round), then I'm back in the game.

I'm planning my workouts, I'm starting my long put off assignment, I'm going to 6am rpm class, I will ring for my test results ( i forgot today). I'm going back to making my bed each day and putting the routines in place that I know work.

The only issue I have at the moment is a very tight/sore ITB on my leg so I'm giving it another day to settle then will be calling a physio, will try another foam roller session in the morning.

Ok enough for tonight,
I'm recommitting to do what I need to do to reach my goals, I do want to get there, I've had enough of hiding behind things.



finish line photo from sunday's race

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Pretty good few days

Longish time with no posts (ok so its been like 3 days or something).

Pretty much all good news to report.
Late Thursday night I had a phone call about a job I'd applied for ages ago. The lady offered me an interview on Friday, so although I missed my lecture for it it turned out all worth it. She offered me the job (cleaning and food service at an aged care home), provided I pass the medical clearance which is this tuesday morning. In other words can I see, hear and touch my toes.... (depends on how much they class as 'unjob worthy' as my eyesight is pretty bad and hearing is slightly damaged in one ear from KFC headsets will have to wait and see what happens).

Saturday was pretty relaxed, window shopping, did some cross stitch, work experience and had a much needed nap.

Today was mini-milestone day.

That involved 10k Run4Life, then Australia's Biggest Workout with a group PT session with a heap of other SA 12wbters followed with my first ever zumba class.

the run was pretty good, starting it i was less than enthused I must admit. Although I wasn't really worried about the race I just didn't feel completely into the atmosphere. Anyway the race started (and I was right about the race going backwards compared to how its been run in the past few years), Leonie and I decided beforehand to go slow, take it easy for first few kms and get a sense of how we're feeling.

That worked really well except for the fact there were no km markers on the course, so we had no idea of how far we had run and gauging pace off stop watch and 'sense of effort from training is very very difficult. The hardest stretch was along the back of Port Road where we were faced with a small amount of 'trail running' (aka across a grassy/gravel filled park) and almost getting reversed into by a massive 4wd lead to a quick sprint or 3. However we really never 'hit the wall' so to speak and didn't need to push each other at all. Just kept to an easy pace and that was it.

I would say almost before we knew it, we were at the final bridge... and then the rather frustrating ladies (who were perfectly nice just annoying) because they kept overtaking us then slowing to walk across the whole road so we leap frogged them the whole way. they were just in front of us and we looked at each other and said yep we're going to get them, so off we went and went and went and went.... and eventually as I was almost dying the finish line popped up.  In total 1hour 13min which is an awesome 9min PB from my 10k time in RunMelb so I was very happy (especially after I worked out I calculated wrong when I first thought it was only a 2 min PB was much proud -bad grammar- when I worked it out).

After run was necessary coffee and recharge break, then window shopping, lunch and travel to the group PT session.

This one was as part of Australia's Biggest workout and there was a group of about 14 including many SA 12wbt members taking part. Including such fun things as over fence jumps, step ups, hurdles, pushups, planks, squats, medicine ball throws, and other fun things that were so fun I forgot what they were!
That session went for around 50mins next was a zumba class. My first! It was interesting... again it was only a 30min intro class, and funny!!! OMG lets just say it may take me a while to find any rhythm.. I just dont have it.... i'm much better with attack like movements.

Total cals for the day was around 1100 roughly. and i am buggerd................

came home had a bath, washed my  hair, did the dishes, ate then sat down... and my legs are still twitching now =P

tomorrow morning i have a check up on my iron levels......which means at least 1/2 hr of poking and trying to find a vein that is servicable so I'm trying hard to keep fluid up tonight so I'm not dehydrated.

Anyway I'm going to sign off for tonight now i've caught you up on my latest news.

Tomorrow when I get a chance I'll post about my goals/and recap the 1st 4 weeks

hope everyone is feeling great after mini-milestones