My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Last post round 3

So its the end of round 3! I feel like I should be excited, but I'm not. frankly theres too much going on in non 12wbt life that is way too full on for me to be excited.

Dont get me wrong I am very happy to be going to sydney for the party and workout and emazon. But Im not excited in the way I'm celebrating my last 12 weeks of work. Why you ask? because this time isnt about the past 12 weeks, weight loss wise, the best I have gained from them is that I have managed to maintain my weight over this period. Through injury, uni, exams, assessment, injury (again), new job, family being ill, me being ill, trauma healing, friends dying. I have maintained.

So this party isnt about what I've achieved this round, its about mroe than that, its about me being almost 30kgs lighter than I was this time last year, having fun with new found friends, enjoying myself and not letting things stop me or get to me.


in saying that its not quite that clear cut.

I'm putting it out there, I'm anxious, super crazy anxious about this weekend. Why? because everything is out there now, there is no turning back. This is the moment when it could all go wrong. In the sense that because its out there people may judge me, may insult me, say im not worth it and act strangely around me because of whats happened. But I had to do it, for me, which means i have to take the consequences (and not for 1 second do I believe any of that is true- its just my brain's reaction). I dont feel prepared for anything that will be coming, so i'm gonna go with it and warn that emotionally anything could happen.

thanks everyone for your support, I know i went a bit quiet for a while but it meant the world to me and still does. Hopefully I can catch you all at the finale


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Its been a while

Sometimes life just gets in the way.

I havent posted for quite a while, I know that. Why I hear you asking? a few reasons.

1. uni exams and final assesments have been crazy leaving me with no time and much to stressed to post
2. I managed to re-injure my hip enough that I did no exercise for quite a while
3. I was in a funk (and still am).
4. New job pressures and trying to adapt to working again
5. Family struggles

and the list could go on and on.

In short I've been super stressed, upset and not coping very well.

To top it off my nan was given a maximum of 12-24 months to live, the bowel cancer they removed earlier in the year has come back, but also spread to her lymph nodes and blood stream, reading the CT report it says 'very extensive nodular disease' which is not good at all, theres no point doing chemo or radio because she wouldn't cope. At this stage we're goign for quality over quantity. According to the family she's not going to make this date and some talk is that she may not make Christmas. I'm heartbroken at the moment, because she was effectively my carer for the first 8 years of my life (until my sisters were born and mum stayed home), I didnt go a day without seeing her for at least 5mins, to the extent that she still now watches playschool because we used to together.

I'm going home tomorrow for a whirlwind visit, i would stay longer, but I cant, with new job (3 weeks into it) and my intensive course starting Wednesday I just cant. I will get to see my sisters though and talk to them. I'm worried about how hard its hitting them, becuase they see her more than me, I wish I saw everyone more and its at times like this that I really really really hate being a country student, city kids get it so easy in many ways, dont have half the challenges we have. I cant just pop home to mums every day or afternoon when I need something, or drop in to have a coffee with nan, its either a 8 hr drive one way or a $200 plane ticket one way. I'm just glad that my parents wanted me to come home to fill in for their softball team anyway, so they agreed to pay for my trip.

Besides the fact I'm upset at seeing nan and how she's going to be (i've heard she looks terrible from weight loss and is in constant pain) I've also got the worry of seeing dad again and how everyoen is going to react to my weight loss. I've gained again over the past few weeks from lack of organsiation and stress eating. Its just been such an intense time, with so much going on its ridiculous.

So yeah thats whats been happening for me lately. right now the party seems futile, like a crazy idea, but I'm still going, I dont feel like I've achieved anything this round which is the main limiting factor in my head, but I have some friends I MUST catch up with in person, so I'm going.

Until next time

PS- give your loved ones an extra hug, you never know what life brings.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Finding my hero.....

No post for a while, sorry. Life has been busy. Crazy busy.

Uni has hit the crazy season, this week I have had 2 different group assignments due, which are crazy to try and organise 6 peoples timetables to find a mutual working time frame. Horrendous more than 3 lectures missed just becuase of impossible time table clashes. I also found out that the prac exam which I thought was in 2 weeks is actually next Monday. Meaning I have to find time to do a whole folder's full of notes and data collation in the next 4 days when I still have one group presentation to finish and making a time to go through the folder requirements with a friend on Friday.

Anyway thats uni. Uncontrollable chaos! In other news

Job update- i had the medical and interview for the cleaning position, all went really well, then I received a letter on Monday stating I was unsuccesful in the position. Which makes no sense to me because during the interview the manager (who would hire me) said she wanted me to start asap regardless of whether or not she was still on holidays when the paperwork came through. So i have no idea whats going on there. She doesnt get back to work until next week though so I cant really follow up with that one yet. And regardless of that I received another email tongiht. This time it was a job for a massage therapist at a chiropractors clinic which i applied for ages ago (like months) i received an update email a while ago sayign there had been an emergency and they woudl be contacting applicants shortly for filling the position, and just wanted to check to see who was still serious for the position.  I said I was and tonight the owner replied saying he wants to interview me and instead of asking me to meet a time, he asked when I was free to do it and said they woudl arrange things around my uni hours. I've replied with times and days for next week so will wait and see what happens.

Injury news, I'm still on restrictions. I did train at softball yesterday, but had to to prove to my coach i am fit to play this week. Im not doign any scheduled training this week again to ensure I'm right for the game on Saturday. Weight wise, very proud to lose 1.7 this week, with no exercise! My head clicked into gear a few days ago and a few good food days have really set me up again.

Also started a 'race' with Jess. We are both racing to hit healthy BMI and lose the last 7-8kgs till our goals. I'm now 1.5 away from healthy BMI with the scales hitting an even 60.0 kgs this morning. I'm only 400g up from my lowest ever weight which considering the emotional turmoil of the past few weeks is quite an achievement.

im dead tired tonight
too much brain power happening, will write more tomorrrow

btw sorry for bad grammar/spelling my new keyboard is very sensitive and even knocking the mousepad will jump the cursor and i cant always realise when it happens

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 31- Injury Strikes

Physio today
good news, my back, ankles, knees, hips and feet are fine. Muscular wise, my glute medius is strained. Luckily its one of the best muscles to injure if you want to try it (I dont recommend it). This means I have 10 days of no running, rpm or softball. I am allowed to walk, and do 1 set of bodyweight squats per day, plus stretches and some controlled contractions. Thankfully because of my 'youth' (her words not mine) I avoided getting my butt taped which I can imagine would be uncomfortable.

I'm not totally shattered by the prospect of no training, although I am frustrated and annoyed. More so because it means I miss softball this weekend and possibly next week as well. With the team being so competitive for places this will probably mean I have to come back through the D grade, when I've done all the training and preseason to earn my starting spot. But thats the way injuries go so fingers crossed I can push through, maintain the positives and do the rehab to get back asap.

So tonight I'm feeling a little blah after that, but like Jess said to me tonight, "you can focus on your eating and mind without feeling guilty about exercise". So far I've avoided the muesli bar box, and setting up for a night of stitching, stretching and tv. I did finally start my assignment today and got a good chunk of my group assignment done. Tomorrow is the rest of my other group project and try to get part of my big assignment written, rather than thought out.

Other good news was my test results came back in the normal range. so no more supplements for me =) I'm off to plan the rest of my training for this week.

Oh weigh in results today was 61.7, up 400gs from last week, but I'm happy because I really thought it was going to be well above my starting weight. I'm determined I'm going to lose next week regardless of how limited my training is.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I promised a recap of my goals and how I've gone for the first month.

Under 60kg - 2.3kgs loss
complete at least 1 combat class and 1 attack class
complete 1 fat burner class (new on gym timetable no idea what it is)
have a job

I almost have a job (had the medical today so waiting for paperwork to come back)
I did get to a combat class, but havent got to attack yet or fat burner (timetable clashes) so I'm going at some point this week, I'm also adding a step class in at some point.

I did get under 60kg in wk 3, but last week after my rather disasterous week in more than one way the weight worked up to a big gain. So from tomorrow (actually from tonight) I've recommitted. I've gone and shopped, i've got food in the house again. I'm taking tomorrows weigh in as whatever it is (there is a large chance it will be higher than my starting weight this round), then I'm back in the game.

I'm planning my workouts, I'm starting my long put off assignment, I'm going to 6am rpm class, I will ring for my test results ( i forgot today). I'm going back to making my bed each day and putting the routines in place that I know work.

The only issue I have at the moment is a very tight/sore ITB on my leg so I'm giving it another day to settle then will be calling a physio, will try another foam roller session in the morning.

Ok enough for tonight,
I'm recommitting to do what I need to do to reach my goals, I do want to get there, I've had enough of hiding behind things.



finish line photo from sunday's race

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Pretty good few days

Longish time with no posts (ok so its been like 3 days or something).

Pretty much all good news to report.
Late Thursday night I had a phone call about a job I'd applied for ages ago. The lady offered me an interview on Friday, so although I missed my lecture for it it turned out all worth it. She offered me the job (cleaning and food service at an aged care home), provided I pass the medical clearance which is this tuesday morning. In other words can I see, hear and touch my toes.... (depends on how much they class as 'unjob worthy' as my eyesight is pretty bad and hearing is slightly damaged in one ear from KFC headsets will have to wait and see what happens).

Saturday was pretty relaxed, window shopping, did some cross stitch, work experience and had a much needed nap.

Today was mini-milestone day.

That involved 10k Run4Life, then Australia's Biggest Workout with a group PT session with a heap of other SA 12wbters followed with my first ever zumba class.

the run was pretty good, starting it i was less than enthused I must admit. Although I wasn't really worried about the race I just didn't feel completely into the atmosphere. Anyway the race started (and I was right about the race going backwards compared to how its been run in the past few years), Leonie and I decided beforehand to go slow, take it easy for first few kms and get a sense of how we're feeling.

That worked really well except for the fact there were no km markers on the course, so we had no idea of how far we had run and gauging pace off stop watch and 'sense of effort from training is very very difficult. The hardest stretch was along the back of Port Road where we were faced with a small amount of 'trail running' (aka across a grassy/gravel filled park) and almost getting reversed into by a massive 4wd lead to a quick sprint or 3. However we really never 'hit the wall' so to speak and didn't need to push each other at all. Just kept to an easy pace and that was it.

I would say almost before we knew it, we were at the final bridge... and then the rather frustrating ladies (who were perfectly nice just annoying) because they kept overtaking us then slowing to walk across the whole road so we leap frogged them the whole way. they were just in front of us and we looked at each other and said yep we're going to get them, so off we went and went and went and went.... and eventually as I was almost dying the finish line popped up.  In total 1hour 13min which is an awesome 9min PB from my 10k time in RunMelb so I was very happy (especially after I worked out I calculated wrong when I first thought it was only a 2 min PB was much proud -bad grammar- when I worked it out).

After run was necessary coffee and recharge break, then window shopping, lunch and travel to the group PT session.

This one was as part of Australia's Biggest workout and there was a group of about 14 including many SA 12wbt members taking part. Including such fun things as over fence jumps, step ups, hurdles, pushups, planks, squats, medicine ball throws, and other fun things that were so fun I forgot what they were!
That session went for around 50mins next was a zumba class. My first! It was interesting... again it was only a 30min intro class, and funny!!! OMG lets just say it may take me a while to find any rhythm.. I just dont have it.... i'm much better with attack like movements.

Total cals for the day was around 1100 roughly. and i am buggerd................

came home had a bath, washed my  hair, did the dishes, ate then sat down... and my legs are still twitching now =P

tomorrow morning i have a check up on my iron levels......which means at least 1/2 hr of poking and trying to find a vein that is servicable so I'm trying hard to keep fluid up tonight so I'm not dehydrated.

Anyway I'm going to sign off for tonight now i've caught you up on my latest news.

Tomorrow when I get a chance I'll post about my goals/and recap the 1st 4 weeks

hope everyone is feeling great after mini-milestones


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Back on track

Today was the day for everything it seems.

I'll start from the start. Counselling was incredibly difficult to start with today, I knew it would be. It did occur to me to just not go but no I said I was going to go, I had to go, if I didn't the next session would be 20 times worse. I arrived and went in after sending a few frantic messages. Straight away she said she'd got my email which made me slightly more anxious but at the same time it meant I didn't have to worry about having to give her the print out. I did laugh at her first question, "how hard was it to make yourself come here?" She knows me much to well I think. Anyway she said all the right things, I said as much as I could (wasn't a lot) but it was enough. Pretty much all I needed was her to say I was doing the right things, I was confident I had done the best I could but always needed the reassurance and some other outside ideas.

I'm not going into other things that were said, except to say it was hard to look at it from the angles that we did, but I know i needed to re look at it from what I actually did, not what I've been telling myself I did. Need to remember that lesson even though its hard.

Anyway moving on from there I left feeling a whole lot better and lighter than I have in a good while. Came home and feel asleep (normal after counselling requirement for me), slept for a hour or so and woke up feeling so much better than I have for the past couple of weeks.

I'd just woken up when I got a phone call from a job that I applied for just before the Sydney trip, she wanted to interview me tomorrow before she goes on holidays again. So I've had to move some of my schedule around a little but I've got an interview which is the first step. Will let you know how I go.

Afterward I finally was feeling ok enough to give the much procrastinated longish run. Happy to report feeling better lead to a much better run. I did a 4 km loop and although I had to stop twice to stretch my tight calfs and tie a shoelace I still managed to smash my old PB for the distance. Old one was roughly 31 mins, today I did it in 26:17!! I stopped to walk for a bit, then kept going on a shorter loop. Total distance was around 7k in about 45mins. Felt sick by the end because I'd drank some water a bit to close to leaving home but all in all I'm pretty impressed.

Tonight I even managed to get a little homework done before getting distracted by the Comm Games netball final (what a game).

Very glad to say things are looking a lot better today than they have for a good while.

I'm sorry for the content of some of my previous posts, but it was stuff I had to get out and I've said all along this blog is me and my journey. One day soon I'll fill you in. Huge thank you to everyone for putting up with me lately I know I haven't been the easiest person to try and live/chat/talk to and I do sincerely appreciate all your efforts and hugs and well wishes it makes a huge difference knowing I'm not alone.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The wheels on the bus..

Ok so this isnt' actually about the wheels on the bus, but I did write it on the way home today so excuse the bad grammar, random rambling thoughts and anything else that doesn't make sense.

Every cell is screaming,
For more pain,
Real pain.
Something to escape to,
A way to hide,
A way to feel
not just crap emotions
something more visible
so others start to understand
so people notice
so your not as invisible

Yet someone else says no
sit back and take a breath
it hurts so bad
just want to explode
yet nothing comes out
except more tears (yes I did cry on the bus today)
seems to be too much stuff
locked away.

They say be gentle,
take it easy,
they dont say how to do it,
how it will feel,
Sitting with feelings in your body,
They dont mention the constant noise from inside,
wanting to hurt and be hurt.
Seems like its never going to get better,
Every good day is followed by 6 bad ones.

People dont understand
they dont know
how could they

To they you look tired,
but you should be fine
to be part of the group,
to have ideas and be able to concentrate

Feel like I"ve lost myself
I know I've changed from that girl
I'm not innocent anymore
Too much pain, shame and guilt
for that
I was naive, I thought they all cared
I thought that was his job
to protect me
Instead he did the opposite
he took my very heart
he did it more than once
it hurt then
it still hurts now
even more
I remember now
I'm trying to live now.

I'm sick of it
I dont want to do it anymore
Its not supposed to be like this

All the stories say these are the best years
Not the worst
Tehy supposed ot be fun and friendly
Not pain ridden and alone
Supposed to be partying
Not spending days with counsellors
I'm supposed to be learning my degree,
Not learning how to stay alive
I'm supposed to be ok says the outside world
Not hiding away from everything.

I often wonder what it would be like
if the pain was on the outside
how bad it would be?
How many random stares I would get then?
How people would react?

Then I wonder why?
Why me?
Why does it hurt so much?
Is it ever going to go away?
Why haven't I wished it away?
Why bother?

Because I have to
Beacause they cant win
Because I love my sisters and my friends,
Because somewhere deep down I have to believe I'm worth more,
Because I can fight
I am fighting
Because its not right.....

Will probably post a lot more tonight, I'm trying everything to get it out of my head and to calm down as much as possible before tomorrow. Part of me is worried I'm on verge of massive crying breakdown which will be insanely scary if it occurs in her office. I know it sounds weird, she's probably the one person who can help me the most yet Im too scared to scare her off by showing the whole range of my emotions there. There I said it. I'm worried she'll run off and then I will have no one. Sigh I freaked out a few weeks ago when I started tearing up in her office, goodness knows what will happen the day I actually cry in front of her. Maybe thats what needs to happen tomorrow. Maybe I have no idea or control over how I feel so I should stop worrying about it and think of something different for once. Maybe I also know that is slightly impossible right now.

Hmm ok I've confused you enough and have well and truly confused myself. Tonight I'm attempting to run 8kms. I have a pact with Jess that I will run 8 (or attempt to and if I have to walk thats ok). Will let you know how I go.


I want to drive...

Yep thats right. Right now my head is screaming at me to get up grab the keys and get out of the house. Where you ask? Anywhere. Away from here, preferably by the beach, somewhere where I can feel the wind and get cold and dull myself out. Why am I not doing this right now? Because its currently 1am, my car has very little fuel and I am in my pjs. And the other big reason is I dont trust myself driving much at the moment. I'm spacing out way to easily (especially late at night when I'm tired).

The other thing is I have a history of making bad choices where late sleepless nights and a few too many bad thoughts and driving have been involved and I'm trying everything possible to not go down that road again. Although its a struggle. I'm not feeling like that right now, at the moment I just need to hide from it, I need a break. The constant stream of thoughts, memories, feelings, its getting a bit too much. I'm flat tonight. I was flat at softball. I got angry when I got hit by the ball (wasn't my fault, wet grass and the ball was skidding like crazy), then I went and batted, got some aggression out. Then i got hit again and almost lost it. I had to go walk away and do a huge big circle before I burst into tears. Came super close to telling a couple of the softball girls the reasons behind it tonight. I dont know if I want to or not. In a way softball is the one area of my life where no one knows what the real truth is. Uni counsellor knows, you guys know, my close friends know, my old boss knows, work experience supervisor knows i've been hurt, doctor knows, Nona, every other group in my life has someone that knows. That if I do have a bad day I can be with someone who cares at least enough not to run away from me and leave me alone.

Today was a pretty good day, the planning I put in worked well, and really did help me manage myself better. Its the little things like not using excessive energy for worrying about uni or running late to comittments that has made the difference. I layed down for a nap quite early this morning and it was amazing to be able to lay down guilt free because I had no other commitments on for the rest of the day and I didnt have to worry if I didnt fall asleep straight away I gave myself the time to rest instead. Thats another thing I'm realising rest is as important as sleep for when i cant.

I went back to the beach today. The weather was a lot crappier than in my background picture (that was the first real thinking day I had at an Adelaide beach), but it was good to go back, see the water, hear the waves, I didnt quite get to feel the sand on my feet because it was freezing, but even feeling the wind in the hair etc. All helped. I was considering picking up a rock or 2 to bring back with me, but then decided to leave them. Reading tonight on a survivors site, I discovered a huge set of articles that are amazing. One of them was on grounding techniques. In case you have no idea what grounding is heres my stab at explaining it.

When a flashback is happening, or your panicking or you've been triggered, everything flies away out of your control, your back in the moment hearing, seeing, smelling, feeling, believing its all happening again. Grounding is a way of keeping yourself present, focused on the here and now. To stay calm and in control and in a way to advert things getting worse. Theres a heap of different techniques that may work for people (personal preference) basically they all require you to connect with your body and the environment your in.

The ones i find most useful are

  • breathing and slow breath control using a mantra (eg inhale calm, exhale stress/panic/emotion/whatever)
  • gradual body relaxation (feeling where tight/tense areas are and focusing on relaxing each individual muscle group- I cant do this when i'm worked up tho this one is better for getting me relaxed enough to sleep).
  • visulisation (i go to the beach, hear the waves, feel the sun, the water, wind, noises etc)
  • focusing on the way your body is attached to the earth (eg I'm sitting in a chair, I can feel the back rest and the arm rests, the chair has 4 legs made out of metal, my butt is glued to the seat, I can move but I'm still in the chair, the chair is next to the table, Sarah is sitting on the other chair across from me etc)
  • tapping and fidgeting are also a really simple/portable way to stay kinda grounded. I use them ALOT I'm sure some people think I'm a nutcase constantly tapping on things (especially in lectures where I can feel trapped), but it works, just maintains that constant attachment of the brain to fingers/toes/limbs and uses enough nervous energy I dont have to automatically flee right then and there. 
  • another option Nona told me was to lie down and start doing deep breaths (breathing is the first thing that goes when panic/emotions set in) and to place one hand on my chest the other on my stomach and breath normally, feeling the relationship between the hands, as if my body is all working as one (mind included), again I have trouble with this in a hypervigilant state. 
  • Other things i"ve tried are softball drills (yep thats right I've been known to spend upwards of 4 hrs outside practicing my throwing, fielding or batting motions), again its the repetition that moves towards a form of active meditiation I guess.
Now that I've digressed, I want to go back to the beach and get a rock, the list I read tonight even mentioned a "rock from a favourite beach, one that holds good memories". its also more portable and means I can just touch it and know its there, kinda like carrying a get out of jail free card, if it helps i'm willing to give it a go.

So I've eventually worked out im not going for a drive, altho i did just go stand outside in the cold for a while, my room is really stuffy tonight, but sleeping with windows open is a huge no-no and my house has no heating/cooling in the bedrooms only in the main sunroom. Im thinking I might need to drag my pedestal fan out of hibernation over the next few days. 

Ok now im totally exhausted, i need to try and sleep tomorrow/today (oops) is weigh in day. I know im going to gain, the question is how much? and how much is from high salt and TTOM and swelling at my assorted bruised areas from softball. Uni for couple hours then home to quiet night working out the plan of attack for session with Nona. 

In the meantime if anyone finds the magic forget everything it never happened and you dont need to think/deal with it everyday pill please pass it on. I'm fast running out of energy, its funny how when things are good you dont ever question how bad they actually were and when there bad nothing ever seems like it will be good again....


Monday, October 11, 2010

Baby steps

Right now i'm focused on the baby steps I need to do.

Todays included going to uni
posting ebay stuff
drinking water
eating 3 ish meals
walking home from uni because I was scared to get on the tram (instead of having a meltdown waiting, I had the meltdown walking- a marginal improvement).
getting to rpm and completing the class
showering after class ( i know i'm going basic here)
attempting some homework

I also wrote a long confession type email to my counsellor tonight. Explained everything and sent it off. Even if she doesnt' read it before Thursday I know its there and then I wont be as likely to pretend everythings fine when I get into her office. Obviously the face to face stuff is so much more intense in this situation and I really strugle to tell private things out loud. Writing words is much easier and less painful in that regard. Face to face is hard because you also have to worry about how people perceive you and the big one is you cant control or distance yourself from there reactions. Whilst i am getting much better and more open with this with her in paticular along with a few super trusted friends, its incredibly hard with the new stuff that comes up.

and I also want to put out a huge thanks to Ange who was lovely tonight and sent me a large list of docs I can use for assignment research saving me about 5 hours of database trawling to find them. So fingers crossed I will have some data to present to the group for the meeting tomorrow morning =)

Otherwise tomorrow is going to be all about me, relaxing, kicking back, getting everything clean and organised and doing what I want, including gym, walking on the beach, cross stitch and maybe catching a random bus or train. Plus then softball training that night.

hope your all well
(a slightly more positive) Mel

PS this song came on the radio tonight when I got in the car, I'd never heard this version from Mariah but it really spoke to me... hope you like it as well


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Filling in the gaps...

so this is the stuff I didn't mention in the other post. The stuff I hide from, dont tell myself the full story, the stuff that makes me cringe and want to hide away.

Often when I get in a down patch (like how I am now) I hide it from everyone, including myself. Because sitting and feeling the emotion is scary, it means facing it and again that shows its real. For a long time I went through a patch where no joke I believed I was fine and nothing had happened, because I wasn't feeling anything. Literally I didn't think anything had happend, I wanted to believe nothing had happened so badly I shut out every single response and feeling in my body. when my grandfather passed away a few months later I couldn't even cry at his funeral. I never did, that wasn't safe and showing any form of weakness wasn't allowed. These are my weaknesses at the moment...

1. My eating is way out of control-not so much what I'm eating but how I'm eating, the issue is I'm not. Going for ages without food. Why- because I'm not good enough for food, I dont deserve food, because he really didnt care about me, because thinking of it makes me feel sick and then I dont want to eat. It gets difficult to force feed yourself after a while. And once I start eating I jump from one extreme to the other enter the binge run.... (although these have been much less than what they once were and I'd hate to say it but sometimes still within 1200, if only because I havent' eaten all day). umm yeah enough said.

2. Self Care this is always one of the first things to suffer when im going through a rough patch. I mean why do you need to bother when the messages your receiving about yourself basically all scream how repulsive and disgusting you are. its also the hardest thing to stay calm with when going through a tough time, too easily a shower or getting dressed can trigger another thought, even the touch of some fabrics and certain items of clothing are off limits during this time.

3. Scratchies, Not the biggest of my problems but one I am mindful of. First started when I was seeing 1st counsellor about this back when it all came out. Not something I do regularly, in fact I try not to do it at all, because i know how much of a cycle I can get in. I haven't touched any this week, which is a win, but the temptation is always there and being on a limited budget makes it very much worse.

4. Sleep, ok so I mentioned it in the previous post, but I still glossed over it. Sleep is where it is for me. I can survive on a day or 2 interrupted, but anything longer than that becomes downright hard, dangerous and leads  me to a bad place altogether. And once that cycle starts its hard to break, because then I reach the point (where I am now) of being completely and uterly scared of falling asleep (because 1. its dark and someting might happen at night without me being awake to deal with it, 2. everytime I shut my eyes all I can see/hear/feel is everything all over again, 3. i dont deserve sleep). Even with trying my meditation things and calming music etc I have always struggled to get my sleeping right once its headed west.

5. There is number 5 but only 1 person other than me knows what that is. I cant tell that yet, but suffice to say its also gone wild lately and also compounds the 'your disgusting, no good for anything, horrible, hate ur body" messages.

6. Mentally- Few things going on here, the obvious one was my need to not go anywhere on Friday without my phone and not so I could be contactable, but so I could contact people and crisislines, I was literally scaring myself s@$%^#^& with the way I was thinking on Friday. I'm worried about seeing Nona this week, how I'm going to tell her everything and how hard that conversation is going to be, but perhaps even worse I'm worried about seeing my doctor. Its only for a routine blood work check on my iron levels to see if my anemia has improved since I started supplementation, but I dont want to see him while I'm in this state for fear of being labeled a head case again or put back on antidepressants. I dont need them, I dont want them. I did a good enough job of shutting everything out on my own, without the help of any medications to 'dull me down'. When your on them it it feels ok, everything is ok, but nothing is ever 'great'. Being able to feel emotions with intensity is something I fought to be able to do, I'm not taking anything that will drop me back to that again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I know this is just a phase, a very painful, unhappy phase. But I know I've just got to ride with it and protect myself from myself as much as possible during this time. Hopefully by Thursday I will be feeling better over everything. Until then I've got to be gentle with myself no matter how danged hard it is to do. At this stage I'm back into survival mode doing the basics for right now and just surviving to get to Thursday then will reassess.


Difficult Weekend

This is Friday's inital post, I didn't want to put it up and hit save a heap of times instead of post. I'm not feeling quite this bad now so I'm in a better mood to post it.

Well today's had it all, you name it and I've probably done it today. Very very tough day to get through. Why you ask, I've worked out I'm sleep deprived and my current sleeping pattern is completely gone and because today I was finally tired enough to give up fighting off the thoughts that have been threatening all week. Yes thats right I was blocking things out again. This time was deliberate to get me through the first week at uni, and I almost got the whole way through.

Biggest scare of the day was that the thoughts are back, for however long they hang around for, there back. I'm not comfortable with that at all, in fact that scares me more than the flashbacks do, I can handle flashbacks (well I know what to expect with them, until the body memories start then things get ugly) but thoughts are much harder to understand and prepare for. Today was one of those days were you would of only had to look at me and I would automatically assume it was because you could see straight through me into what I was thinking. (Add to this tripping on the escalator and stacking it in the busiest food court in Adelaide during lunchtime of the last day of school holidays).

so yeah hiding for hours in the toilets at uni, not putting track pants on whilst freezing in shorts because im scared of the feel of  the fabric and dont deserve to be warm, wanting to rush off and get home to do 'things', literally having to force feed myself, completely drained, realising i can fight it anymore, flashbacks and panic on the bus and walking from the stop to my house, got inside and house was empty-good for privacy bad for my then depressive state. laid down for while tried to relax, didnt work, if anything made it worse

hmm and then i got a few messages cos I'd kinda been switching between ignoring people and then messaging heaps when I was freaking out. And the tears came and went and came and went and came and went about 10 times over, seemed I couldn't get anything together for a while, didnt know what I wanted to do.

A bit later on it all hit again, and it was just crap. Was on facebook chat at the time, well as much as I could in between tears and meltdown. and yeah that was the story of Friday. End result I called up sick for work experience Saturday (I just couldn't face it) and struggled to get anywhere near calm enough to sleep.

Saturday was softball day
I was feeling slightly brighter when I woke Sat morning (mainly cos i didnt have the extra commitment of work experience to stress me out).

Softball turned out ok after the disaster of training Tuesday. I plate umpired my first game in a year and did an ok job, a few parents weren't happy with my calls and I know I made a mistake but I'm learning so they have to get over it (and its kids sport for goodness sake).

Playing my game ended up quite good, I was initally told I would be on the bench to start with (cos of the stupid extra players playing down thing) but one of the other girls who had also been umpiring was running quite late so I was rushed into the starting side. The first 1/2 was fairly hopeless, I mucked up an easy throw, and batted like crap getting a stupid tiny hit as a put out and a K2 that I shouldnt have swung at. Just before my last bat they asked the other girl if she wanted to come on because we were running out of time in the game. She didnt' want to because the game was close (we were tied). Which meant I had to bat again, now I should add batting isn't one of my strongest areas, I'm definiely a better fielder, but I also know some of this was mental. Just before I went up I said something about 'oh that means I have to bat again' our captain turned to me and said just have confidence you can do it, and i replied 'obviously I dont' and then I went up to bat. And then I went bang (no I didn't explode) I hit the ball, and it flew, and flew and flew. Then I stood stunned for a minute then realised I had to run, so I did. All the way to 3rd. We scored two runs of my hit and  I was batted in by the next batter, that won us the game (we went on to score another 3 runs but anyway). I hit a 3 bagger. I've only ever hit 2 3 baggers and 1 home run in my entire career (even in juniors where I was in state teams) better still was reaching 3rd after a 'longish' sprint and realising I wasn't completely panting and dying, and my running speed has definitely increased. My coach was slightly stunned and then turned and said 'see thats all the weight you've lost'.

So we went back into the field with about 2 mins left to get them out. Double play, hit back to pitcher, pitcher reflex catch, runner on 3rd took off, and I got in the way of her and the base (with the ball and my legs), she attempted to slide, I blocked her (and have cleat marks on my leg to prove it), got the out. 2 down 1 minute to play. Pop fly up third base line, ran through the next runner and the base coach to get it, caught it, game over. We won. I salvaged a great 2nd 1/2 from a crappy start and an even worse week. Then went to umpire other game. That one was boring as anything. I struggled to stop the thoughts then, because it was boring and i was now concentrating on every ball again for the 6th hour that day, I was tired, add to that I ate very little during the day (like breakfast and a museli bar) I was going backwards fast.

Came home showered, ate, and went to bed. Except sleep didnt come. at 3am I moved from my room into the lounge to watch tv (and have background noise). I'd tried everything meditation podcasts, music, reading books, hot drink, bath, nothing was working. Every time I closed my eyes I saw it and felt it and i just couldn't do that. Eventually I fell asleep at about 5am and got a whole 1.5 hrs before I was woken by the dogs going outside as Sam left for work. I dozed for a while and i think got up around 9:30am. Needless to say today has been quite a struggle and getting worse the longer I stay awake.

Pretty much this week has been a write off, in terms of progress. Its hurt what I've realised this week and even worse its scaring me that its back to this again. I thought I was past all this, I thought it was getting better. In my heart I know when I see Nona this week she's going to explain the journey is never a straight line and that it peaks and troughs along and some days/weeks/months are just hard. And thats what its been a struggle. The pain I've realised this week is as bad, if not worse than then, because now I've had time to think, I know what it is, I have to call it what it is, and its changing the whole language in my head. Makes it worse, so much so worse, before I could 'minimise' it as something else, as not that bad, but now, I can't. Nothing will ever take that away. I know I'm never going to forget, im just waiting for the day when it gets easier again.   Its an understatement to say its hard to eat well and exercise while all this is so out of control. Hard doesn't even come close to it. I will admit to a few bad things this week, including food, sleep, thoughts and other unmentionable things. Every single moment has been a struggle the past few days, harder than it has been for a long time.

I'm not entirely sure this week will be any better, except I am promising myself I have to spend at least 1 hr a day on me (as in exercise time as well as relaxation). I see Nona on Thursday and am preparing myself for a Wednesday freak out over the session, especially now I have a lot of new stuff to tell, I dont know if i can and I wont know that until I'm in that session. Until then I'm trying to breathe lots, stay as calm as possible, control what i can (in reason) and hold it together in public places.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Day 18-R U Ok Day?

Today is Australian R U OK day? The day were you ask a  mate if they are ok, the idea being that a simple conversation can open the door to helping someone through stuff that you wouldn't normally know about them.

So that leads to the obvious question of do I challenge the truth and keep putting on the 'brave face' or answer truthfully (considering this conversation is twitter dominant at the moment its hard to be honest in 140 characters-I'm thinking that sounds like an excuse). Anyway the question how are you or RUOK? always brings up this kinda thoughts in my head, a lot of the time I dont answer properly or tone down my answers because I'm worried that my friends will think I'm just some sort of whinge/whinning freak, then I'm also scared that if they really knew they'd run away, and then I'm worried about how much of a burden i'm being on them and how draining listening to me must get sometimes. (Now I should add I am getting better at recognising and dealing with the bad days and before you all jump down my throat for not being honest and things I haven't been feeling all that terrible lately, only for small spots here and there where I can pick myself up).

Today is different, a few things happened last night, which made for a very bad night. My worst for a long long time. Long story short i had a phone call from home just before I went to bed, and that ended my going straight to sleep. Basically sent me into a bit of a spiral and all the negative thoughts came up. I fought it for a while, then I couldn't. Too hard. No one was home either which was worse, because I was alone, I didn't feel like reaching out. No one needed my crap then. So my solution was to settle down in front of the tv and see how I go to fall asleep there. That worked until about 2am then I realised I really should go to my bed because otherwise I'd wake up when housemates got home from uni (late night assignment study). I'd literally got into bed and then they rocked up. Which was fine. Then as they walked in the door I realised they had someone else with them, they brought back a friend at 2am!! I went out to find out what was going on and it turns out they brought home a complete random stranger, apparently he had been sleeping at uni for the past few nights, so Sam volunteered our house to have a shower and sleep on a bed. Now I dont have a problem with that on principle, but I do have an issue with it happening at 2am and the fact he didn't ask me either. The funnier thing was that if I'd fallen asleep in the lounge that would of been where he slept, so it was good that I moved. Now for the actual nights sleep, it didn't really happen. I'd just laid down again and then there was a knock on my door. Housemate wanted me to help on the computer quickly. Before long it was 3am and I was finally back in bed and the house was quiet cos everyone else was in bed. Perfect time for flashbacks to come in. I dont know what time I feel asleep but it wasn't fun. And then the dreams started and I woke myself up screaming from something about 5 times during the night.

So then I slept in, woke up feeling like crap today (no surprises there) and now I'm frustrated, I need to eat, I need to go do some exercise, uni has smacked me around this week and I haven't trained properly since Sunday. More annoyed that I have now wasted the entire day when I was supposed to get a heap of uni stuff done and I cant even be bothered to get out of bed. And now I dont even want to post this so I'm going to do what I normally do and hit post and then get out of bed and have a shower and then make myself sit down and eat.

I will leave you with this..... R U Ok? (answer honestly- you never know what you'll find out about yourself)

M xx

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Week 3 Weigh In

This is a super quick update with my weigh in results from this morning (I've got 20mins until tutorial starts and of course I chose to  update my blog rather than do any readings =P).

I procrastinated doing my weigh in this morning, I did briefly wake up at 6am and then very quickly feel back asleep until 8:45, then I just didnt' want to do it. I was truely scared I would gain and I didn't want to deal with what that would have done to my head. Basically I just wasn't in the mood to deal with a gain this week. Anyway I eventually got a msg from a 12wbt friend asking how my weigh in went etc. That gave me the kick to JFDI so I jumped on and almost fell off =D

I saw a 5!!! 59.6 infact. So I am now officially below 60! I screamed (couldn't help it-no one was home). Very happy with a 700g loss this week, feels good to know I am moving forward no matter how freaking slowly its happened. Now the next goal is healthy BMI which is at 58.5, so only 1.1 to go (I'm hoping I can pull that off next week).

Anyways I'm off, just had to jump on and share my good news =D If I get time tonight I'll write more about the now huge mental battle to maintain/keep loosing, but for now I"m happy and avoiding the uni caf because I'm currently getting told I deserve a chocolate or 20 to reward my hard work (aka my head is now screaming because I'm the lowest ever and changing SO much stuff) anyways thats another story and I need to go to Health Promotion.

Mel =)

Day 16-Uni, softball and politics

Only quick update tonight, I'm really tired and drained. The house guest got back in at 2am last night, so the past two nights have been very late and that makes me not only tired but disrupts my whole sleeping pattern, which I really struggle to get back once its disrupted. This meant I missed my early morning rpm class which I wasn't happy about.

Uni went back today, lecture was pretty good, I then spent the next little while trying to find information about my next assignment. For some reason I thought we had an exam for this subject but I discovered quite late last night we actually have another written assignment, which sent me into a bit of a freak out. I'm going to talk to my friend tomorrow and work out whats going on.

Otherwise I got my new glove today, which is really nice, now I just need to break it in and get a pocket happening in it soon.

Softball training was a different story, the actual training went pretty good (apart from my batting I jarred my thumb again which I think may have flared my carpal tunnel issues but I've been icing it tonight and its feeling a little bit better, will sleep with my brace on and it should be ok tomorrow. Politically softball tonight was crap! The short version is the B grade team has extra players, they dont want, they want to send them down to C (my grade) but their coach has said they HAVE to play in their positions and HAVE to get full games. So we are expected to pay the same amount and have an unsettled team each week. I left feeling quite upset tonight, this is only my 2nd year with the club and I'm feeling quite vulnerable as my batting isnt the best, so kinda feeling like I'm fighting for my position, our coach has assured us no one is seen as 'weak' in the team but the mind games aren't helping.

In other news its Wednesday tomorrow, which means a few things. 1. weigh in. I'm entirely not confident of a positive result there, I've put the work in exercise wise but the diet side of things still needs improvement (and I'll admit to having a few peaks during the week and not seeing anything hopeful). I'm reaching a point where if I dont get below 60 soon I am really feeling the pressue to get under it. Mainly because I want to reach my goals and this 60 milestone has been hanging around like a bad smell for the past 7weeks (I've been within 2kgs or less for ages) and in my mind I"m starting to turn it into a mental block, that I cant' get past it, that I should be happy at this weight etc. Second important thing about tomorrow is I'm supposed to be attempting to run 5k.

I should be excited by this, but frankly I"m not. Right now my head is trying to talk me out of doing anything, the old theres no point nothing is working speech is on repeat and I'd be much happier to sit up and watch the Comm Games all night and not worry about getting up early or uni.

One a side note, I know where this little slump has come from, the other night I was talking with a friend and I had a big moment, where I realised some of the stuff that happened (with Dad) was worse than what my head was telling me it was. I know it sounds stupid but I had always refused to see what happened in that way, and I've been thinking of it constantly. I know I should ring Nona and tell her but I just cant right now. I need to call her and have her explain it to me though, ok explain is the wrong word, I need her to reassure me that it is what Im now thinking it is and that I didnt have anything to do with it. That call is incredibly difficult though so I'll keep thinking of it instead.

Better sign off and try and sleep,

hope you all have awesome weigh ins tomorrow and I'll keep you updated with my results


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Day 15- Back in the running

Hi everyone
I know what a shock, no blog from me for a whole day! its a new record =P. A quick rundown of yesterday. Up at about 4am confused over daylight savings time changes, went back to sleep, woke up again at 7am, which was good. Picked up at 7:40 to go and walk the Waterfall Gully to Mount Lofty track, 3.9km one way up the side of Mount Lofty so its steep. This was the first time I've attempted to walk the whole thing. I got 2/3 of the way up a few months ago when walking with housemate and her friend, but we had to turn back because it was fast getting dark and her friend was having some leg cramps.

Yesterday was a different story, we got up and went for it, got to the top dead on 1hr 1min. Spent a few minutes walking around enjoying the view, got the essential 'we made it to top' pic, re applied the sunscreen and back we went, straight back down. I think the way down took around 45mins, all in all my HRM said 2hrs 2mins and 636cals. Because of the interrupted sleep I came home, dragged on my compression pants and calf guards and feel asleep. I might add this wasnt just a usual nap it turned into a 4hr mega snoozeathon (oops). I wasn't too worried though because I obviously needed it and it was really good to fall asleep knowing I didnt have to wake up to an alarm. Later in the afternoon, Debbie (housemate) and I decided to take advantage of the daylight savings and head off for a quick jog, we did C25K wk 4 which is 3min run, 1.5m walk, 5min run, 2.5 min walk and repeat. I struggled initially because my calves were tight as anything, but pushed through it and kept going, so that completed for another 230 cals. Total for the day was 2.5hr session and 870 (roughly) cals.  then headed out to watch Tomorrow When the War Began at the late screening last night (avoided the candy bar). It was a late one because the houseguest I spoke about last week arrived yesterday, and he went out to get back in at 2am this morning! I kinda stayed awake so I wasn't woken from a deep sleep when he came back in.

The big news of today is I am running again!!!! Despite waking up with very stiff and sorry calf and butt muscles, I knew i had to do something and given my extremely unplanned late night I had managed to miss my scheduled rpm class. So I got dressed and out the door, put on c25k wk 5 d3 and off I went. This was a 20 min run non stop. Now I know this isn't anything to exactly write home about, but for me it is significant. Its the first run I've done of a decent length since City2Surf where I haven't stopped or given in to mental voices or pain and to do it today when my legs were already feeling pretty heavy felt great to achieve it. Considering I have a 10k Race 4 Life on October 17th I knew i had to get my butt moving seriously to even think of running the whole thing. Now that I've done that 3k this morning its just given me a bit more of a boost that I can still run, even if i haven't and the only thing I need is practice- which i'm working on.

So the goal for this week is to do 5k on Wednesday and try for a longer run on Sunday of about 7-8km. Provided I can get an 8km practice run in I know I can do the full 10 on race day.

I also posted to very important announcements on twitter just before. I'm copying my tweet onto here just so you can all share with me =P

i have 2 announcements of great importance  1. I'm starving today and 2. my butt hurts!! dang Mt Lofty climb+running 

So now I'm off to do some very gentle stretching and foam rollering to hopefully walk a little easier tomorrow at uni. EEK did I mention I go back to uni tomorrow? Nah I'm actually almost looking forward to having a routine again. In saying that its only 5 weeks now until I have my Wednesday nights back again =).

Hope your all having a blast in this great weather we have at the moment (well Adelaide's weather is nice anyway) I"m off to eat an orange and get rid of the hunger pains.

M =)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The positive side of life

I'm back again! I know sorry for the million postings of the past few days. I guess a lot comes out when I have time to sit and think, not all of it good.

Thats why I'm back again, I feel as if the last few posts have put quite a negative spin on this blog, I dont know why I'm thinking that but I am. So I'm back to check a few things and clear up a few issues in my head.

So in no particular order my achievements for 2010 so far;

  • completing my catch up semester at uni even though I was with the cohort lower than my actual level
  • signing up for 12wbt r1- the best birthday present I ever gave myself
  • doing the work experience program for all I complain about it at times, it really is rewarding and has helped my confidence a lot
  • losing 25 odd kgs
  • going from size 16 jeans to comfortable size 8
  • flying to Melbourne to do RunMelbourne
  • flying to Sydney for City2Surf
  • running 1km non stop for wk 4 mini milestone in round 1
  • running 10k non stop in Melbourne in 1h 21min 57sec
  • Increasing wall sit from 1min 10 in round 1 to now well over 3mins
  • rejoining the gym
  • trying classes
  • getting my hair cut (it needs doing again)
  • listening to myself when I was told crap news at doctors and fighting to get a real answer
  • Passing Applied Biomechanics!! (with a Credit thank you very much!!)
  • Winning an award for last seasons softball for willingness to volunteer and umpire
  • Going to Sydney for round 2 party
  • Staying in Sydney and not running away after the massive breakdown
  • Crying in front of people
  • Crying in front of Nona
  • Sharing my story and releasing parts of the burden
  • Listening to my body in many ways (emotionally, physically-ie docs/medication changes, mentally-challenging the negativity)
  • Letting myself plan things now and follow through on those plans
  • Spending time each day doing something good for me, even if its writing in this blog, brushing my hair, making my bed, showing myself I do value myself and I am worthy
  • Asking for help when I need it
  • Making phone calls to people, and not just when I have to for something specific
  • The huge challenges I've faced with the abuse issue, including facing him again, dealing with the messages and shame, letting the emotions through, asking for help to deal with them, breathing, not hurting myself as much, recognising the bad days and the bad memories and generally feeling like its finally moving forward.
  • Most importantly finding hope and a love for life again
I could go on but I need sleep, so I'll leave it there, I'm sure there are many other things I've done and these are just the tip of it.
Much Love


Ok so if you read 'High School' then your probably wondering why me getting withdrawn on a cousins birthday is significant. Well I'm about to tell you. and yeah im posting another warning, this is graphic again.

I was 7 almost 8, mum came into class, it was close to some special event (easter, xmas something like that), I was surprised to see mum in my class during the day, I watched as she spoke to the teacher, my teacher went white and almost started crying. Mum came and got me. We left school. Went to a ladies house, it was a strange house, I remember it being very weird that most of my cousins were there, it was like a big family get together, but during the middle of the day. I was upset, that I couldn't go and be with mum, she was somewhere in the hosue with the adults. I dont know what they were doing, except I wanted to be with her, I needed her to give me a hug and find out what was going on. I knew something was up.

We were left in this room in a strange house with strange adults, and food. Party type food, but this was no party obviously. So what else did we have to do but eat. Thinking on it now I reckon this is where some (ok most) of my emotional eating habits are formed. Anyway at some point I got told that my baby cousin Cameron had gone to heaven. I didn't understand at the time, I mean we had babysat him the night before and he was fine then. It wasn't until a few days later that I was told my Uncle (his dad) had been very naughty and was going away for a long time.

I think I was about 10 when it finally got explained to me, by this stage it was going through the court process.  Basically there was a bad marriage, it ended badly and it ended abruptly. My uncle came to get Cameron for a visit and took off with him, attempted to asphyxiate both of them using the car's exhaust realised that didnt work and was then worried about the brain damage he would have given him, and didnt want him to suffer and instead chose to kill him using a tomahawk. He then realised what he'd done and ran, at one stage he rang  his mum (my nan) and told her what he'd done, except he got through to my mum, she was the one who was there to take the call, she rang the police and was there holding my nan together until everyone else arrived.

He's now served his time in jail and is up for parole, there is a lot of talk around the past few months because his exwife is trying to get a the premier to stop him from getting parole and there is a lot of  negative talk happening about both sides of the family. For a  while I couldn't watch the news or pick up a paper for fear of what I'd read. Personally i dont know what I think on the issue, and its not up to me to judge, but I do know this action has had an effect on me.

I know that before this happened I was flower girl in their wedding, I looked up to my uncle as a big brother, I loved playing with Cameron and he was only a few weeks older than my middle sister. I know that since he's asked for parole there has been a lot of extra stress put on around the family, particularly back home. I know that my parents have had to talk to my sisters school so the science teacher had to change her curriculum to include this case as part of their forensic science unit. I know my sisters ring me in tears frustrated at people who say things about our extended family because of his actions. I know my dad is angry, I know my mum has never looked at me the same since, although I dont know what I did to deserve that. I know that its just a difficult sticky situation that is always going to upset somebody. And I know thats why I was so scared taht night with dad, because I knew he knew how to kill someone, because his brother had.

So yeah getting back to the drama situation. I found out the day before it was Cameron's bday the next day. For some reason that really set me off, I wasn't happy about drama, being a complete introvert i hated it, we had the senior drama teacher that day and he wasnt taking no for an answer, he ended up withdrawing both me and friend who were upset for similar reasons. he wouldn't let us explain and insisted we not only do our monologues but do them in front of the senior class as well as our class (like 40 people) when we were already upset and crying. It didnt' happen, we left and dad was angry, that was a day he realised that things still hurt me, even though I didn't show it. Not that it made us talk about it or anything, no that would be too hard. So I kept going with my secret. Eventually I told my school counsellor and she helped me kinda make sense of it. And now I'm realising its where my emotional eating patterns started. If i'm upset give me sugar or salt and watch me go. Habits are tough to break aren't they.


High school

I was planning on being at softball today, right now infact. But I got there this morning to find another team had brought a spare umpire, who was accredited so they offered to use them instead of me, which I'm not complaining about. Yes it means I miss out on those $$ and yes I am now free for the weekend when I could of been at home, but all in all I'm ok with it.

So onto my next life chapter I guess you could call it....high school.

Pretty much this when I guess I first started getting depressed, although no one noticied (or cared enough) to say anything.

It seemed like during our (my class') high school years we had some form of tragedy, natural disaster or personal crisis that happened every single year. I know it sounds stupid but I literally remember my high school years from the crises that happened not because of anything else.

So here goes

year 7 (ok so not quite high school) - October 2nd Uncle Trev passed away, friends of ours lost their dad to a shark attack a few weeks later left behind 3 young kids the oldest around my age.

year 8-
Tulka fire- scary, no one died thankfully, but we had close friends in the zone, my aunty's house was in the middle of the danger zone and she was away that weekend (this was T's wife) so dad was out there trying to fight to save her house and all the photos and videos of them, her house was ok the garden got singed but everyone survived which was the main thing. It was freaky though. I remember walking around school watching year 12's bursting into tears, teachers looking shell shocked and the smoke cloud is something you never forget.

 I hadn't come to terms with T's death, once it was over no one even spoke his name around our house,
I got withdrawn (sent out of class) for 1st time in my life for refusing to do a drama monologue on the day of my cousins birthday (thats another post which I will write shortly), the next week we had a Religious Instruction band come and play, the lecturer guy for them, basically stood up and spoke about death and dying and suicide for a full hour. I made it 1/2 way through before leaving in tears absolutely shattered, about 6 of us left from that due to various personal tragedies, the worst was a friend whose cousin had suicided the week before. That was my first experience of the counsellors office, soon it would become a second home.

Towards the end of the year one of our close family friends who was in year 12 was driving some of her friends home after a study session. Next thing the car ended up wrapped around a pole. One of the girls died in that car. Again the school went into shock, another wasted life, and heaps more completely changed forever, I remember watching Lauren get up on stage to read a poem she had written at the end of year assembly, it was heartbreaking yet inspiring that she found the strength to do that.

Year 9- Another of my friends attempted suicide, survived and was ok, but arriving at school the next day was out of control, year level meetings, the lifeline and reach out cards handed out.
Then there was the group of us who were closest to him who met in the counselling offices. I think we used about 20 trees worth of tissues that day. Things were said from emotional places, feelings were hurt, we almost had a punch and people were screamed at. I tried to run away, I couldn't deal with it, only to be caught by Peter ( the later boyfriend who locked me in the car), that day was the day I thought he'd changed, he held me and told me it would be ok, and he listened to my crying babble, until I almost feel asleep completely exhausted. We sorted it out, everyone made up and James came back to school.

Year 10- Moved into the new house, got a job, then we discovered a girl in the year below me had cancer again, and this time was it. There was nothing that could be done. She fought, fought hard, she got her wish to go to the daintree rainforest and fly in a hot air balloon. She died. I remember my home group teacher breaking down and crying when she told us why we had a special assembly that day. This was also when I started hurting, badly. But I didn't tell, it had been building for ages, but I kept telling myself everything was ok, except it wasn't.

I had a small operation to remove a cyst from my eye, because of the placement I was offered general anasthetic (and I took it, I was told I would otherwise have to be operated on with my eye open- no thank you). I had a great friend come and take me to the hospital that morning (she is a nurse so was great at keeping me calm and explaining everything), mum didn't even ask if I wanted her to come, just said oh good Karen can do that I'm too busy. Well that set the mood for the day. I got home just after lunch (day procedure) and went straight back to sleep, I woke up later and went and sat outside, next thing dad came through and tripped on a tether tennis racket that had been left around, he was angry about something and next thing he'd picked it up and threw it straight through the front window in front of me. I sat there stunned and showered with glass, already with a splitting headache and lost it burst into tears. Mum didn't even try and comfort me, just told me to grow up and get over it. I walked out then, I walked to Karen's house (well I tried) she only lived a few streets away. I think mum must have rang her and told her I was headed her way, she met me 1/2 way picked me and took me home. Held me until I cried myself to sleep.

year 11- One of the main science teachers at our school passed away, unexpectedly. He had some form of ongoing blood clotting issues, but it was based in acute attacks, from what I believe he had a rupture in his esophagus and bleed to death very quickly. Again the school went into mourning. Yr 11 is also when things got more serious at home. By this stage my role was now to wash, clean, cook, do dishes, iron, entertain the girls, along with helping with the backyard, maintain my A grades so the world didnt think anything was wrong, play softball and netball, along with coaching and umpiring and also work part time at KFC for 15-20hrs a wk. I wasn't allowed to call up sick, or say no to a shift if they rang and asked me, which they did a lot.

My sleeping started to suffer, I got angry and was depressed, but by now I'd hidden it enough, I knew what to do to get me through, that was to write, I wrote everywhere and about anything, except I only ever hide it in certain spots, because mum would go through everything, no matter what is was as soon as I was out she would read my stuff and I know she did, I even caught her a few years ago reading my sisters journals. Now theres a line between reading the 'secrets' of a 6yr old to a 15-16 year old.

Year 12- was when I finally crashed.

The massive fire, 9 people died, including the psychology teacher at the school, more friends who lost homes, and even more who were damaged, the baseball club was only just missed. We drove past two of the crash sites, when they were pulling bodies out. One of the worst experiences of my life, we were packed and ready to go, i was trying to keep 7 children calm while mum got organised, driving down the street and one of the kids goes "whats that?" we looked to see a wall of orange and red go racing over the hills straight down to the water, we knew then people were in trouble. Listening on the radio to the reports, that never seemed to stop, worrying about dad and the other volunteers who were out there fighting the fires, who knew if they would come back alive. Turns out two of the firefighters died out there that day.

This was the weekend before school started. Our year 12 year. We were supposed to have done pre readings, be organised, calm, planned out, ready to start the year with a bang. We did start with a bang, that was deciding to get the word 'SURVIVORS' printed across the back of our graduation jumpers. We also started with the smell of smoke lingering again, 1/2 the school still being used a refuge centre and teachers and students glassy eyed in shock. That was crazy.

It took me a good few months to get back to 'normal' after that. I dont know what triggered it off again, but something did. Towards the middle of the year I slumped again, this time badly. To the point of writing notes and making plans, extremely detailed plans. I found out at one point my best friend had actually attempted her plans (i didn't discover this until much later), I ended up confiding in another friend, about everything, I wrote her letters and poems, some of my inner most devious thoughts, she kept them. She was the only person who knew what a living hell I'd been stuck in. That was enough to get me through, knowing she was always there, that pushed me to keep striving to do well at school, keep pushing the boundaries.

I know my teachers were worried, but they thought it was normal end of school exam stress. I broke down on a couple of them because it was all too much and they looked and I knew they cared too deeply. Couldn't hold it together, yet still they didnt' ask questions (well not of me directly). Again I thought that once I got through year 12 everything would be ok. But it wasn't of course, there was more.

I reached  a point where i just couldn't go on, there was no point, nothing was saving me and the thought of spending years at uni for a career, why should I have to do that just because everyone said I had the marks to. I guess I'm only just beginning to realise I've always been pushed to do things, not because I want to, but because others have made the decisions for me. To the point that when I left home I was never allowed to go to the doctors by myself, I always had to have a parent with me, the only phone calls I could make were for work, I had to tell exactly when I was coming home, if I was late prepare to be hit, punched, slapped or yelled at as I walked through the door (but in a quiet way so the girls wouldn't know). It got ridiculous.

Looking back at it now I'm amazed I got as far as I have now. I don't know how I held it together as long as I did. And now its all come unravelled it when it hurts, to realise all these things I've missed out on, or havent' done because fear or anxiety or life or other people have held me back is scary and sad.

so yeah thats a brief overview of my high school years and the start of my downhill spiral

Friday, October 1, 2010

One day.....

Ok this is going to be long (when isn't it) I'm finding tonight difficult for a few reasons.

1. Its the anniversary of my uncles passing tomorrow, and yet again I'm away from the family for it. I was away from them when it happened and I have a fear that something else bad is going to happen because I'm not there with everyone.

2. I'm still in reflection mood from my session with Nona yesterday, and realising a few things are changing and I am different

3. worried about umpiring tomorrow, first time I've umpired for 6 months, and I agreed thinking it would be bases, not realising it involves plates as well, did I mention I'm slightly anxious over it all. And it means the next 3 days are going to be at least 10+ hours on my feet in the first real heat of our spring.

I'm probably going to cut this up into a few posts tonight, just for length and managing myself, so yeah I understand if no one reads.

I'm going to start with the session with Nona yesterday. It was good to have a light session, I mean we still talked about hard stuff just took it very gently and I acknowledged how I was feeling and that I wasn't in the mood to go deeper.

We spoke about recognising how I had changed and being ok with those changes. That prompted me to drag out some old writing I did.

I wrote this about a year after the assaults, it was written just after I told for the first time, and I'd just seen my first counsellor who pretty much pushed me out the door and sent me straight to another clinic, which were great (I'm still with them now) but the 1st counsellor I saw there left unexpectedly after I'd seen her for 4 sessions (just long enough to form a strong bond and feel ok in trusting). I was highly depressed, and if I remember clearly (which I dont) this was written as a suicide note.

What fight?
Everyone tells me to fight it,
snap out of it,
We dont want you like that again,
You sound down, tired?

Hello! so glad you finally noticied,
Only taken you months,
As if you really care,
You think I've gone stupid,
Just cos I'm sick,
your hoping I don't notice,
The looks the stares,
the silent unasked questions,
which somehow still get answered.

Oh well I want to tell you,
I notice all that and so much more,
More than you could ever imagine,
You think it doesn't hurt because I don't show it,
You think I'm fine because I can smile and laugh,
Because I have to hide my feelings, because I'm constantly on guard,
You think it will all go away if we dont talk,
You don't stop and think about how I'm feeling do you?

Having to spend every single day in a fog, not being able to feel,
Walking into walls, doors and anything else because I'm not in my body,
You don't think I'm sick of fighting all my life for nothing,
You think I act scared and anxious for attention,
You think making your hurts seem worse than mine will make it all better,
You try and snap your fingers and it will all be over.
If only.....

I wish you knew the pain,
I wish you'd understand without having to be told,
I wish I didn't have to leave the barriers up all the time,
I wish I didn't have to shake, tremble and sweat through every hour of every day,
I wish I could go to sleep in less than 4 hours at night, without waking up, without screaming or dreaming,
I wish I could eat without feeling sick,
I wish I could feel emotion,
I wish I could cry, with someone to hold me,
For the younger me, for the me now who no one understands, for the person I can't be now,
I wish I could get out of bed in the morning on the first try,
I wish I didn't have to be constantly scared and jumpy,
I wish I wasn't feeling out of control all of the time.

Well I have news for you,
I'm sick of fighting a worthless fight, with no sight of an end,
A stupid fight, no one else understands or feels my pain,
Sick of no one knowing,
Sick of having to lie,
Sick of having no support,
Sick of the support I have breaking down,
Sick of treatment,
Sick of being told I have to fight, I can't give up, by people who have no idea, and are always way to happy,
sick of being sick without a reason.

Why don't you walk in my shoes, for one day, maybe even one hour,
Take a bus trip with me and see how I react,
Picture yourself in my shoes for just a little bit, 
Then try and tell yourself, you have to fight,
When your already fighting for every single tiny thing you do every day,
Have some understanding, otherwise theres just no point.

I'm over fighting.....
Understand now??

I remember driving that night, I didn't know where I was going except I was going away, somewhere...forever. I woke up to myself at one point, when I was speeding down a road at 4am and I came to a tunnel, solid concrete, I remember thinking to myself thats it, I'm done, cant take anymore. I dont remember anything else, its all blank. Next thing I know Im in the hallway of my house completely numb, not sure what to do, who to call or what had happened. I ended up messaging a friend at about 6am, I'd been awake for roughly 48 hours, I was completely wired. We had a message conversation for a while and eventually I feel asleep, I slept for a full day and when I woke up I realised I had to change something. There were many many other incidents along the way, the times when the buses were going past just that little bit fast and the kerb is only a 30cm step away from death, driving along and thinking of swerving into many a truck, bus or building, even going as far as falling into a fryer at work. I'm ashamed it got to that point, reading it now in fact I'm totally horrified. 

But the thing is after that I changed, I pushed myself to go back to counselling, I missed a couple of sessions, but I went back, with her support I pushed to see a doctor and after a consult and reading her letter he hastily prescribed me antidepressants and gave me phone numbers. I found it interesting that I was never offered to see a psychiatrist, but in the end its worked out ok. 


Reflecting now on that night and what I wrote I'd like to say this.

If I could say anything to that girl that night,
It would be, hang on,
hold tight, sit back and breathe,
breathe again, and again,
Take a chance,

Hold onto hope,
Keep breathing, keep dreaming and keep pushing,
Its hard, god its hard
But there are people out there who care,

Someone does understand,
It is possible,
The days will blend into another,

Do what you need
to survive each day,
You've come this far, 
Find a safe space and make it yours,
Mine was my bed,
Thats where I'm sitting right now,
My blue and purple sea creature cover,
My big strong pillow,
My sanctuary.

Keep walking, each day is a new start,
At first they all hurt as much as each other,
When you realise its a new start, to the same story,
When each decision is racked with pain, shame and guilt,
When even showering brings up the body issue,
How much you hate yourself and your body,
How much it betrayed you on that night and across the whole experience,
It shows the confusion and pain, you see the scars,
You know why they are there,
You hide the emotions for another day, because it seems to hard,
because they are unknown,
they are weakness,
pain, shame, guilt and blame,
yet they are also responsibility, courage, strength and belief.

Hiding makes it worse, deep down you know that,
it buries it deeper, to make it more painful to uncover 
the pain and shame multiplied a million times over,
the tears when they come, they hurt,
they stab and attack
The dreams come back worse, you scream again,
But this time not because of what you couldn't do,
Because of what you did,
Slowly the recognition will start,
You will believe you did it,
Not that its ok, or to make it right, It'll never be right,
But you survived,
You lived through the main part,
Sometimes this fight seems worse than that night,
But this fight has something more meaningful attached,
Your LIFE.

You wont understand this reading it now,
But I know you read the books,
look at the sites and read other stories like this one,
You sit and wonder, is it really ever going to be like that,
Can I really smile and laugh and feel free again,
Are they making it up?
What if I'm different?
What if I'm to scarred, wrong or hurt?

I'm here to tell you is it real,
It doesn't happen overnight, 
But hey you know that,
It does happen though,
It will take work on your part,
But I know you can do it,
You've done it before and your practicing it everyday
By being alive,
By fighting the thoughts and the noises of 'the voice', 
ignoring the hurtful comments,dealing with the pain of broken trusts as they come up,
By sharing and continuing to breathe
and finding friends who trust and are open,
who are amazing and inspirational
By being strong to let the real you through, if only for a tiny part each day
You have won.

 To anyone reading this who is fighting something in your lives, even if your struggling with an issue regardless of what it is keep going, keep fighting it, one day you will succeed and you will be so much stronger for the fight your now going through. Remember to be gentle to yourselves as you go through it, and always remember where you've come from, its hard and difficult but it helps to see you are achieving things, regardless of how small the steps feel. <3 

I'm going to leave it there for tonight. I need some sleep and need to be gentle with my now crying self.

Note to Self- tomorrow (or whenever) finish story bout Unc T & Emma the first real support person

Mel =)

I may not get to blog much over the weekend, so if not have an awesome long weekend (if you get a long weekend).


Thursday, September 30, 2010

Day 11- Challenge day

Today started with a challenge that was set last night. I was humming and ahhing over my exercise plan so my friend sat me down and made me tell her my options which included rpm, run, pump or dvd depending on what I felt like. Now knowing I was terrified of pump and had quite an anxiety built up around the whole issue, she gave me a plan (jokingly) which was RPM, run then pump. Another reason this was suggested was that I saw my counsellor today, so had all of those issues also going around my head and if I didnt' train beforehand I wouldn't have trained and doing a big session also safeguarded me somewhat for any emotional eating that happened later. Being slightly crazy tired I said yes, then realised I would actually have to go through with the commitment. So promptly laid out my clothes set the alarm and went to bed.

Alarm went off and I seriously considered rolling back over and going back to sleep, I felt tired, drained and all over the place. But I took the first step and got out of bed, by which point I was freezing and wanted to dive back in, but instead I got dressed and left. Got to RPM set up and started warming up. I should have known something was wrong when only 6 people turned up to the class that normally has around 15 for that time of day. The instructor was terrible! she said only 'nice' and 'ride easy or racing' until track 6 then she realised we were all dying and slowly stopping then she started screaming at us. By far the worst rpm instructing I have had, but despite this I pushed through and burnt 400 cals for the class. The other incident was losing my gel seat, coming off the side of the saddle 1/2 way through track 4, instead of stopping to put it back on I pushed through without it and yes it felt weird and yes I did get some chaffing it wasn't to bad.

Walked out to car to dump my gear and dig out my ipod (probably a 5 min walking break) then headed off with my c25k podcasts going, the original plan was to do a 1/2 hr run section, but this finished and I was just over 2/3 of the way around the block I was working on so I put on another podcast and off I went. So in total I did 1 hr of c25k intervals for about another 400 cals.

Then it was back to the car grab my gear and wander back into the gym, I had a spare 40 mins until the pump class started, so instead of curling up in my car and falling asleep (I knew I wouldn't get going once i stopped) I went back in and did another 10 mins on the bike, 10 mins on xtrainer and a 5min stretch.

By the time I went back downstairs, toilet, got ticket for pump and set up it was time for pump to start. The pump instructor is one of my favs for RPM so i knew she would be awesome, the class being only 45mins meant we didnt' do the leg tracks and did all arms/back/chest and abs. I think I did pretty well considering everything I'd done before hand, i got caught out not having enough spare plates for the rotator cuff exercises and the ones I had were too heavy so I missed a couple of reps there but I know for next time. Yes thats right I will be going back again =).

Total for the day was 3hr 17min and 1284 cals.

Felt amazing when I left and the best part was I hadn't had time to stress over the appointment and when I got home my chiball prize was waiting for me from wk 12 of round 2 =D

Appointment today went pretty well, was much more relaxed compared to last time, I needed it because last time was full on, tough and gut wrenching, still spoke about a few minor issues, but mostly about the personal language I use about myself and other things like social taboos and attitudes. I'm starting to recognise my progress a lot more and appreciate I have worked extremely hard to get to where I am now, especially given where I've come from, some days are horrendous and never seem to end or improve and the steps feel like the tiniest shuffle ever, but it was good to sit back today and reflect a little more on what has happened and some of the bigger things i have done. I needed someone to tell me the extra things i've done that I gloss over as 'nothing much' eg planning a coffee date with a friend, or getting a haircut, or buying new clothes, or making routines to have a shower everyday etc. They seem like simple everyday tasks but in reality it wasn't that long ago where I was sitting in bed all day, not able to attend uni, not washing or cutting my hair for months, wore dirty clothes, just basically had no self respect. I dont like looking at myself that way anymore, I'm ashamed of those behaviours but I'm realising now that was what I needed to do to survive that period. Its been such a long road like I said that I'm glad I can finally have moments and sometimes days where I can appreciate that and thank the old me who chose to fight this path.

The other major piece of news for the day was my nan getting rushed to hospital (not the sick nan this is the healthy one) I got the call as I arrived at work experience, so I went in told the supervisor and it turned out only 1 client was doing a full session today, so I was able to leave straight away and head to the hospital. In the confusion by the time I got to the hospital (was over an hour drive fighting peak hour) she had been discharged about 10 mins earlier. I haven't spoken to her yet, but obviously everything is ok, I'll get in touch with her tomorrow because I was supposed to go shopping with her.

Well considering how late it now is and my rather draining day I'm heading for bed. Tomorrows plan is to have no plan (actually its not), I'm going to give myself a sleep in, if I naturally wake up in time and feel ok I'm going to try step, if not I'll get to balance (if I'm late for that I'll just do the core work as per Mish's program) and probably a walk/light job as well. Otherwise its cleaning the house ready for inspection (fun fun fun) and getting some gear ready for the weekend of hell (aka umpiring 7:30am-7pm Sat Sun and 7:30-3pm Monday)

Hope your all well
Mel =)

PS hope I haven't bored you yet, I love reading all your comments and well wishes, thank you so much for taking the time to write them, they really do help me through some tough moments