1. Its the anniversary of my uncles passing tomorrow, and yet again I'm away from the family for it. I was away from them when it happened and I have a fear that something else bad is going to happen because I'm not there with everyone.
2. I'm still in reflection mood from my session with Nona yesterday, and realising a few things are changing and I am different
3. worried about umpiring tomorrow, first time I've umpired for 6 months, and I agreed thinking it would be bases, not realising it involves plates as well, did I mention I'm slightly anxious over it all. And it means the next 3 days are going to be at least 10+ hours on my feet in the first real heat of our spring.
I'm probably going to cut this up into a few posts tonight, just for length and managing myself, so yeah I understand if no one reads.
I'm going to start with the session with Nona yesterday. It was good to have a light session, I mean we still talked about hard stuff just took it very gently and I acknowledged how I was feeling and that I wasn't in the mood to go deeper.
We spoke about recognising how I had changed and being ok with those changes. That prompted me to drag out some old writing I did.
I wrote this about a year after the assaults, it was written just after I told for the first time, and I'd just seen my first counsellor who pretty much pushed me out the door and sent me straight to another clinic, which were great (I'm still with them now) but the 1st counsellor I saw there left unexpectedly after I'd seen her for 4 sessions (just long enough to form a strong bond and feel ok in trusting). I was highly depressed, and if I remember clearly (which I dont) this was written as a suicide note.
Everyone tells me to fight it,
snap out of it,
We dont want you like that again,
You sound down, tired?
Hello! so glad you finally noticied,
Only taken you months,
As if you really care,
You think I've gone stupid,
Just cos I'm sick,
your hoping I don't notice,
The looks the stares,
the silent unasked questions,
which somehow still get answered.
Oh well I want to tell you,
I notice all that and so much more,
More than you could ever imagine,
You think it doesn't hurt because I don't show it,
You think I'm fine because I can smile and laugh,
Because I have to hide my feelings, because I'm constantly on guard,
You think it will all go away if we dont talk,
You don't stop and think about how I'm feeling do you?
Having to spend every single day in a fog, not being able to feel,
Walking into walls, doors and anything else because I'm not in my body,
You don't think I'm sick of fighting all my life for nothing,
You think I act scared and anxious for attention,
You think making your hurts seem worse than mine will make it all better,
You try and snap your fingers and it will all be over.
I wish you knew the pain,
I wish you'd understand without having to be told,
I wish I didn't have to leave the barriers up all the time,
I wish I didn't have to shake, tremble and sweat through every hour of every day,
I wish I could go to sleep in less than 4 hours at night, without waking up, without screaming or dreaming,
I wish I could eat without feeling sick,
I wish I could feel emotion,
I wish I could cry, with someone to hold me,
For the younger me, for the me now who no one understands, for the person I can't be now,
I wish I could get out of bed in the morning on the first try,
I wish I didn't have to be constantly scared and jumpy,
I wish I wasn't feeling out of control all of the time.
Well I have news for you,
I'm sick of fighting a worthless fight, with no sight of an end,
A stupid fight, no one else understands or feels my pain,
Sick of no one knowing,
Sick of having to lie,
Sick of having no support,
Sick of the support I have breaking down,
Sick of treatment,
Sick of being told I have to fight, I can't give up, by people who have no idea, and are always way to happy,
sick of being sick without a reason.
Why don't you walk in my shoes, for one day, maybe even one hour,
Take a bus trip with me and see how I react,
Picture yourself in my shoes for just a little bit,
Then try and tell yourself, you have to fight,
When your already fighting for every single tiny thing you do every day,
Have some understanding, otherwise theres just no point.
I'm over fighting.....
I remember driving that night, I didn't know where I was going except I was going away, somewhere...forever. I woke up to myself at one point, when I was speeding down a road at 4am and I came to a tunnel, solid concrete, I remember thinking to myself thats it, I'm done, cant take anymore. I dont remember anything else, its all blank. Next thing I know Im in the hallway of my house completely numb, not sure what to do, who to call or what had happened. I ended up messaging a friend at about 6am, I'd been awake for roughly 48 hours, I was completely wired. We had a message conversation for a while and eventually I feel asleep, I slept for a full day and when I woke up I realised I had to change something. There were many many other incidents along the way, the times when the buses were going past just that little bit fast and the kerb is only a 30cm step away from death, driving along and thinking of swerving into many a truck, bus or building, even going as far as falling into a fryer at work. I'm ashamed it got to that point, reading it now in fact I'm totally horrified.
But the thing is after that I changed, I pushed myself to go back to counselling, I missed a couple of sessions, but I went back, with her support I pushed to see a doctor and after a consult and reading her letter he hastily prescribed me antidepressants and gave me phone numbers. I found it interesting that I was never offered to see a psychiatrist, but in the end its worked out ok.
IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL OR DEPRESSED DONT HIDE IT, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP CALL LIFELINE ON 13 11 14 - 24/7
Reflecting now on that night and what I wrote I'd like to say this.
If I could say anything to that girl that night,
It would be, hang on,
hold tight, sit back and breathe,
breathe again, and again,
Take a chance,
Hold onto hope,
Keep breathing, keep dreaming and keep pushing,
Its hard, god its hard
But there are people out there who care,
Someone does understand,
It is possible,
The days will blend into another,
Do what you need
to survive each day,
You've come this far,
Find a safe space and make it yours,
Mine was my bed,
Thats where I'm sitting right now,
My blue and purple sea creature cover,
My big strong pillow,
Keep walking, each day is a new start,
At first they all hurt as much as each other,
When you realise its a new start, to the same story,
When each decision is racked with pain, shame and guilt,
When even showering brings up the body issue,
How much you hate yourself and your body,
How much it betrayed you on that night and across the whole experience,
It shows the confusion and pain, you see the scars,
You know why they are there,
You hide the emotions for another day, because it seems to hard,
because they are unknown,
they are weakness,
pain, shame, guilt and blame,
yet they are also responsibility, courage, strength and belief.
Hiding makes it worse, deep down you know that,
it buries it deeper, to make it more painful to uncover
the pain and shame multiplied a million times over,
the tears when they come, they hurt,
they stab and attack
The dreams come back worse, you scream again,
But this time not because of what you couldn't do,
Because of what you did,
Slowly the recognition will start,
You will believe you did it,
Not that its ok, or to make it right, It'll never be right,
But you survived,
You lived through the main part,
Sometimes this fight seems worse than that night,
But this fight has something more meaningful attached,
You wont understand this reading it now,
But I know you read the books,
look at the sites and read other stories like this one,
You sit and wonder, is it really ever going to be like that,
Can I really smile and laugh and feel free again,
Are they making it up?
What if I'm different?
What if I'm to scarred, wrong or hurt?
I'm here to tell you is it real,
It doesn't happen overnight,
But hey you know that,
It does happen though,
It will take work on your part,
But I know you can do it,
You've done it before and your practicing it everyday
By being alive,
By fighting the thoughts and the noises of 'the voice',
ignoring the hurtful comments,dealing with the pain of broken trusts as they come up,
By sharing and continuing to breathe
and finding friends who trust and are open,
who are amazing and inspirational
By being strong to let the real you through, if only for a tiny part each day
You have won.
To anyone reading this who is fighting something in your lives, even if your struggling with an issue regardless of what it is keep going, keep fighting it, one day you will succeed and you will be so much stronger for the fight your now going through. Remember to be gentle to yourselves as you go through it, and always remember where you've come from, its hard and difficult but it helps to see you are achieving things, regardless of how small the steps feel. <3
I'm going to leave it there for tonight. I need some sleep and need to be gentle with my now crying self.
Note to Self- tomorrow (or whenever) finish story bout Unc T & Emma the first real support person
I may not get to blog much over the weekend, so if not have an awesome long weekend (if you get a long weekend).