My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Ok so if you read 'High School' then your probably wondering why me getting withdrawn on a cousins birthday is significant. Well I'm about to tell you. and yeah im posting another warning, this is graphic again.

I was 7 almost 8, mum came into class, it was close to some special event (easter, xmas something like that), I was surprised to see mum in my class during the day, I watched as she spoke to the teacher, my teacher went white and almost started crying. Mum came and got me. We left school. Went to a ladies house, it was a strange house, I remember it being very weird that most of my cousins were there, it was like a big family get together, but during the middle of the day. I was upset, that I couldn't go and be with mum, she was somewhere in the hosue with the adults. I dont know what they were doing, except I wanted to be with her, I needed her to give me a hug and find out what was going on. I knew something was up.

We were left in this room in a strange house with strange adults, and food. Party type food, but this was no party obviously. So what else did we have to do but eat. Thinking on it now I reckon this is where some (ok most) of my emotional eating habits are formed. Anyway at some point I got told that my baby cousin Cameron had gone to heaven. I didn't understand at the time, I mean we had babysat him the night before and he was fine then. It wasn't until a few days later that I was told my Uncle (his dad) had been very naughty and was going away for a long time.

I think I was about 10 when it finally got explained to me, by this stage it was going through the court process.  Basically there was a bad marriage, it ended badly and it ended abruptly. My uncle came to get Cameron for a visit and took off with him, attempted to asphyxiate both of them using the car's exhaust realised that didnt work and was then worried about the brain damage he would have given him, and didnt want him to suffer and instead chose to kill him using a tomahawk. He then realised what he'd done and ran, at one stage he rang  his mum (my nan) and told her what he'd done, except he got through to my mum, she was the one who was there to take the call, she rang the police and was there holding my nan together until everyone else arrived.

He's now served his time in jail and is up for parole, there is a lot of talk around the past few months because his exwife is trying to get a the premier to stop him from getting parole and there is a lot of  negative talk happening about both sides of the family. For a  while I couldn't watch the news or pick up a paper for fear of what I'd read. Personally i dont know what I think on the issue, and its not up to me to judge, but I do know this action has had an effect on me.

I know that before this happened I was flower girl in their wedding, I looked up to my uncle as a big brother, I loved playing with Cameron and he was only a few weeks older than my middle sister. I know that since he's asked for parole there has been a lot of extra stress put on around the family, particularly back home. I know that my parents have had to talk to my sisters school so the science teacher had to change her curriculum to include this case as part of their forensic science unit. I know my sisters ring me in tears frustrated at people who say things about our extended family because of his actions. I know my dad is angry, I know my mum has never looked at me the same since, although I dont know what I did to deserve that. I know that its just a difficult sticky situation that is always going to upset somebody. And I know thats why I was so scared taht night with dad, because I knew he knew how to kill someone, because his brother had.

So yeah getting back to the drama situation. I found out the day before it was Cameron's bday the next day. For some reason that really set me off, I wasn't happy about drama, being a complete introvert i hated it, we had the senior drama teacher that day and he wasnt taking no for an answer, he ended up withdrawing both me and friend who were upset for similar reasons. he wouldn't let us explain and insisted we not only do our monologues but do them in front of the senior class as well as our class (like 40 people) when we were already upset and crying. It didnt' happen, we left and dad was angry, that was a day he realised that things still hurt me, even though I didn't show it. Not that it made us talk about it or anything, no that would be too hard. So I kept going with my secret. Eventually I told my school counsellor and she helped me kinda make sense of it. And now I'm realising its where my emotional eating patterns started. If i'm upset give me sugar or salt and watch me go. Habits are tough to break aren't they.


No comments:

Post a Comment