My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Day 11- Challenge day

Today started with a challenge that was set last night. I was humming and ahhing over my exercise plan so my friend sat me down and made me tell her my options which included rpm, run, pump or dvd depending on what I felt like. Now knowing I was terrified of pump and had quite an anxiety built up around the whole issue, she gave me a plan (jokingly) which was RPM, run then pump. Another reason this was suggested was that I saw my counsellor today, so had all of those issues also going around my head and if I didnt' train beforehand I wouldn't have trained and doing a big session also safeguarded me somewhat for any emotional eating that happened later. Being slightly crazy tired I said yes, then realised I would actually have to go through with the commitment. So promptly laid out my clothes set the alarm and went to bed.

Alarm went off and I seriously considered rolling back over and going back to sleep, I felt tired, drained and all over the place. But I took the first step and got out of bed, by which point I was freezing and wanted to dive back in, but instead I got dressed and left. Got to RPM set up and started warming up. I should have known something was wrong when only 6 people turned up to the class that normally has around 15 for that time of day. The instructor was terrible! she said only 'nice' and 'ride easy or racing' until track 6 then she realised we were all dying and slowly stopping then she started screaming at us. By far the worst rpm instructing I have had, but despite this I pushed through and burnt 400 cals for the class. The other incident was losing my gel seat, coming off the side of the saddle 1/2 way through track 4, instead of stopping to put it back on I pushed through without it and yes it felt weird and yes I did get some chaffing it wasn't to bad.

Walked out to car to dump my gear and dig out my ipod (probably a 5 min walking break) then headed off with my c25k podcasts going, the original plan was to do a 1/2 hr run section, but this finished and I was just over 2/3 of the way around the block I was working on so I put on another podcast and off I went. So in total I did 1 hr of c25k intervals for about another 400 cals.

Then it was back to the car grab my gear and wander back into the gym, I had a spare 40 mins until the pump class started, so instead of curling up in my car and falling asleep (I knew I wouldn't get going once i stopped) I went back in and did another 10 mins on the bike, 10 mins on xtrainer and a 5min stretch.

By the time I went back downstairs, toilet, got ticket for pump and set up it was time for pump to start. The pump instructor is one of my favs for RPM so i knew she would be awesome, the class being only 45mins meant we didnt' do the leg tracks and did all arms/back/chest and abs. I think I did pretty well considering everything I'd done before hand, i got caught out not having enough spare plates for the rotator cuff exercises and the ones I had were too heavy so I missed a couple of reps there but I know for next time. Yes thats right I will be going back again =).

Total for the day was 3hr 17min and 1284 cals.

Felt amazing when I left and the best part was I hadn't had time to stress over the appointment and when I got home my chiball prize was waiting for me from wk 12 of round 2 =D

Appointment today went pretty well, was much more relaxed compared to last time, I needed it because last time was full on, tough and gut wrenching, still spoke about a few minor issues, but mostly about the personal language I use about myself and other things like social taboos and attitudes. I'm starting to recognise my progress a lot more and appreciate I have worked extremely hard to get to where I am now, especially given where I've come from, some days are horrendous and never seem to end or improve and the steps feel like the tiniest shuffle ever, but it was good to sit back today and reflect a little more on what has happened and some of the bigger things i have done. I needed someone to tell me the extra things i've done that I gloss over as 'nothing much' eg planning a coffee date with a friend, or getting a haircut, or buying new clothes, or making routines to have a shower everyday etc. They seem like simple everyday tasks but in reality it wasn't that long ago where I was sitting in bed all day, not able to attend uni, not washing or cutting my hair for months, wore dirty clothes, just basically had no self respect. I dont like looking at myself that way anymore, I'm ashamed of those behaviours but I'm realising now that was what I needed to do to survive that period. Its been such a long road like I said that I'm glad I can finally have moments and sometimes days where I can appreciate that and thank the old me who chose to fight this path.

The other major piece of news for the day was my nan getting rushed to hospital (not the sick nan this is the healthy one) I got the call as I arrived at work experience, so I went in told the supervisor and it turned out only 1 client was doing a full session today, so I was able to leave straight away and head to the hospital. In the confusion by the time I got to the hospital (was over an hour drive fighting peak hour) she had been discharged about 10 mins earlier. I haven't spoken to her yet, but obviously everything is ok, I'll get in touch with her tomorrow because I was supposed to go shopping with her.

Well considering how late it now is and my rather draining day I'm heading for bed. Tomorrows plan is to have no plan (actually its not), I'm going to give myself a sleep in, if I naturally wake up in time and feel ok I'm going to try step, if not I'll get to balance (if I'm late for that I'll just do the core work as per Mish's program) and probably a walk/light job as well. Otherwise its cleaning the house ready for inspection (fun fun fun) and getting some gear ready for the weekend of hell (aka umpiring 7:30am-7pm Sat Sun and 7:30-3pm Monday)

Hope your all well
Mel =)

PS hope I haven't bored you yet, I love reading all your comments and well wishes, thank you so much for taking the time to write them, they really do help me through some tough moments


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Week 2 Weigh In

Week 2 Weigh In

Today was weigh in day, I was quite excited to jump on the scales and seriously hoping to get the big 5 in front of the weight. Before I jumped on I had to give myself a huge talking to about how I wasn't going to get upset over the number and I wouldn't binge or sabotage myself. That agreed on I jumped on, saw 60.3. Was annoyed for a minute, then I realised I still lost 800g this week, and given my mixed week of food choices this was probably the best I could hope for.

So today was crazy, I picked up Nan (not the sick one) from the airport and went to take her home, she then asked me to stop and pick up some stuff she dropped off a shop a few weeks ago, which was the other side of the city to her house, so that used an extra hour. When I got to her house, she then asked if I wanted to go to lunch so we went down to the bakery and Nan (who is awesome around my food choices now-the most supportive of my whole family) and ordered me a chicken and salad sandwich, they had none without butter or mayo so she made them make me one specifically =P It was so good, and totally awesome that she ordered it for me like that.

The rest of the day was spent chasing around, visiting cousins and whatever else. I was stressing out over getting to work experience on time, especially given I had no uniform with me (having not expected to spend the entire day with nan) and wasnt wearing enough appropriate clothing to work with teenage boys. I ended up getting to the shops slightly early and running into target and finding a pair of shorts on sale for $4 and a polo shirt for $5 luckily I had some old sneakers in the boot so I was all set.

Work experience turned out ok. On the way home I was feeling a little cruddy over the fact I hadn't exercised yet today ( I woke up with a head that felt like a sledgehammer and stuffed with cotton wool), turned out I was fine, just very tired. I messaged a friend and comitted to going for a quick run when I got home, regardless of how cold it was or how tired I was. Got home changed shoes grabbed my ipod and was out the door in about 2 mins flat (less chance of stopping). I decided to do C25K wk 5 D1 track, which is 5mins running with 3mins walking repeated 3 times. So in total I ran for 15 mins. This felt really good, yes my legs pulled a little and I ached and I was working hard, I still really enjoyed it. I realised thats why I started running to enjoy myself and enjoy the quiet time of the morning or night when no one else is around, just me and the environment.

Tomorrow is going to be tough, I've got a counselling session in the morning, so want to go to the gym earlier to get it over with cos I know I wont want to after, in saying that I also know I could possibly be in a mood to smash it up. So tomorrow will be interesting food wise as well, I struggle when I come straight out of her sessions because the central markets are right across the road with allsorts of treats and bad things as well as good fruit stores etc.

So anyway I'll see how tomorrow goes as it goes, staying strong as much as possible, yet opening up when i need to.

Take care

PS- I saw another sunrise this morning going for 3/3 tomorrow morning =) and aiming for a photo at some point

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Day 9 Sunrise, TTT and umpiring

I did it!!!! I saw a sunrise!! (I was going to take a photo but my phone went silly again, I promise there will be a photo by the end of this week =) Woke up at 5:30am and did some stretches (much needed) whilst waiting for the sun to rise. I know I said last week while I was on my way to the gym or exercising, but my legs were very sore and I was going on around 4hrs of sleep so I was happy just to stay awake enough to watch the sun come up. I did fall back asleep not long after, but that didn't bother me as much, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to manage on 4hrs sleep tonight anyway. I think I woke up again at around 7.30-8am which is actually pretty decent for me on a holiday (yes sleeping patterns are also part of the problem). Felt quite good when I woke up again, so got straight into TTT (tight toned terrific) and went for it. OMG my arms have been jelly all day since. Seriously I hate tricep pushups, although I did come up with another goal for the end of this round to be able to do 5 full tricep pushups (on toes) currently I can do 1/2 (aka lower down and then collapse). Yes I know I just said I hate them (believe me I have zero tricep strength) so this is going to push me to work on it.

Calories for the dvd were 332, which is pretty good for me, I used my heavier 3kg weights this time and really pushed hard in the cardio sections. I do have to make a comment about my abs, they are on fire right now. I just climbed onto my bed to be more comfy to write this post up and as soon as I took my feet from the ground OUCH! I think I'm gonna be one sore little cookie (sugar and fat free offcourse) tomorrow. I also did another 1/2 hr on the xtrainer to boost my cals past the 500 mark for the day to meet my goal ;)

In other news, my foam roller arrived today and I was most excited and also a little nervous (at the pain I was going to inflict upon myself) to use it. It went pretty well, I did a quick sit and reach test and even after only doing my hamstrings and calves my flexibility had at least doubled. My left leg is very tight though so I'm trying to work out why it is so much worse than the right (and yes I have been stretching equally-more on left side cos  I've been feeling it is tight) I also discovered my ITB was very very tender could hardly put any pressure on it. Overall I felt a lot looser after using it so looking forward to making it a regular part of my routine.

Food today has been awesome, very proud to say I've eaten well despite the fact my housemates have eaten pie and cheesecake and chocolate mousse and popcorn and chips in front of me for most of the afternoon. It was hard and a few times I had to take my teenager for a walk to the other end of the house (particularly when offered tuna instead of sugar umm hello?). One thing that has helped my food today has been my cravings for stiryfry! yes I know how strange, so yesterday I finally went out and bought myself a cheap wok pan and a heap of veggies, which I chopped up and are in the fridge ready for a quick meal anytime. I made one last night, which was very low cal and could only eat about 1/2 of it in the end cos it was so filling! Tonight I have a craving for prawns, I've been looking at the chilli, lemon prawn recipe for the past week and just kept forgetting and not finding any nice prawns when I went looking. So I'm off after I finish writing this to find prawns and have a yummo dinner.

I'm a little disappointed tonight, I would normally go the 6.30rpm class at my gym, however tonight I have an umpiring clinic for softball. I really dont feel like going but I kinda have to because I was asked to umpire at the local junior carnival this weekend and will receive a small payment for doing so, but the idea of standing outside just up from the windy airport for 2hours really doesnt' take my fancy when I could be sitting on a bike sweating it out like mad and really busting for a last chance training. Anyway I have to go to it, I've done my 500cal day today which is the best I can do.

Now for tomorrows weigh in, theres been a lot of talk on twitter this afternoon about weights and goals. My biggest milestone weight is getting under 60 and I'm hopeful with everything thats changed this week I can do that tomorrow. The closest I've gotten so far is 60.2 and I feel lighter than that now, its just a matter of time to see what my body adapts to I guess. I also had a check of my healthy weight range and was really surprised to find that my healthy range is between roughly 48-58.5kgs (yes I'm a short one=P), For some reason I had it in my head that my healthy range started at 56kgs and was thinking I was still a good 5kg away from that. But it turns out I'm only 2.6 (as of last weeks weight) to get there, so fingers crossed I should see a BMI of 25 sometime in the next 3 weeks (hopefully 2).

Well I reckon thats me up to date for now, I must head off and get these prawns and then rug up for what will be a freezing night.

Tomorrows plan is confusing. The issue is both RPM and the full length combat classes are on at the same time. Both are also on later, but the RPM is with my favourite instructor (who I am missing seeing tonight) and the later combat class is only 45mins worth instead of the full hour. Now I dont know which one I want to do and I guess its good that I have options because if the RPM class is full then I can do either class. I just dont know if I'll be feeling up to it enough to hang around and do 2 classes tomorrow, I would really like to to give me a real kick start to the week, but I guess will have to wait and see how I feel.

take care

Monday, September 27, 2010

Week 1 Reflections + Day 8 overview

Wow week 1 over already what a week.


  • trying combat
  • food on Saturday morning
  • exercising 6 days straight
  • finishing all the preseason tasks on time
  • new clothes shopping
  • finding goal outfit
  • feeling between good to awesome majority of week
  • recognising the reasons behind the tears/set backs
  • understanding where i've gone wrong with food and the things that have triggered them
  • putting myself out there and generally feeling ok with it (work in progress)
  • trying Mish's DVD's for the first time and generally surviving.
  • not missing a toning session or an abs session for the week (and completing the entire core session on the Friday)


  • food is still an issue (didn't expect it to clear up overnight)
  • holidays are a danger zone with no set routine or deadlines or appoitments (thankfully almost over)
  • not enough structured planning due to being on holidays
  • too much emotion over everything- not really a negative but its the way I used the emotion that can improve.

In general I'm happy with my exercise this week, its the first time in a long time where I've trained for 6 days straight (yes including rounds 1 and 2 there are issues which I am now changing). I've also been quite emotional this week for a few reasons, mainly for family related conversations but also because I've been having a time when I suddenly realise I am changing, and I get scared by that. But now as I'm working closer and closer to goal I'm realising theres less and less things to be truly scared off. I know the fear will always be there but I'm moving past being paralysed by it and rather accepting it for what it is and how I can move past it. I think thats where putting my story out there comes into it. I knew putting it out there would freak me out and I also knew it was the next step for me. Having people read it (well assuming someone did =P) and then relate to me normally is a huge worry/concern. The whole social taboo around the topic doesnt' help anything and anyone, it just fosters more silence and hurt and pain and potential tragedies. I would have been a statistic in the not very far future had someone not asked me a simple question of how are you? If I hadn't replied not great and then continued with the story I am completely certain I wouldn't be alive right now to experience all of this. Yes I would have killed myself. I came incredibly close as it was, to this day I still dont know how I walked out of some of the situations I put myself in, all I can say is right now I'm proud of the girl who did that, who chose to take that leap (metaphorically) and trust someone enough to let them in to help. I have to honour her now, she's not here anymore she sacrificed everything to get to this point, life, love, freedom, fears, anxiety, she was the one who made the choice to get this far today. I have to remember that and move forward for her and for everyone out there who are stuck right now in that place. Its not nice, but with help, hope and awesome people it can be done.

Goals for wk 2

  • eat according to plan
  • 2L water daily
  • 6 days exercise (min 400 cals)
  • watch 3 sunrises
  • try step or attack class

Sorry for the random tangent this post has taken, I get in a weird mood when I reflect on things and yeah I understand if no one understands what I meant by that =P

Hope your all well and kicking some goals, I'm pleased to say I pushed through my earlier issues today and did Super Shredder DVD and an extra run tonight for about 700cals total, food wasn't all great but I know what went wrong and why and I worked it off. Tomorrow I'm planning a big day to kick the weigh in down a few notches I hope (still waiting for the day I see a 5 in front of the number) but that will only come when I put the work in and work for it, which I feel like I've only done 1/2 heartedly this week wtih my food choices, so extra tight for me from now and moving forwards.

Thanks for your continued support means a huge amount to me
Mel =)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Its Not Fair morning

I was writing a post for the forums this morning, about where my head is failing etc and I came to the end and realised all I wanted to do was scream ITS NOT FAIR!! and curl up into a ball and cry myself back to sleep (which I might yet do). Seriously so frustrated at everything right now, I know what I need to do yet I'm not doing that and I have to ask why? Am I asking too much of myself right now in terms of coping with the emotional stuff as well as the physical training etc? Is it too much pressure from the family with the 'wardrobe bribe'? Is today just a bad day so I need to push through doing whatever I can until it gets better?

I wish I knew. I do know that tears at 10am on a Monday morning are never a good sign..... sigh this really sucks-sorry for turning this blog into a rather depressing affair the past few days, it will improve at some point-I hope

Day 7- mixed bag

Hey guys
I know I promised a weekly recap of the highlights and needs to improve and I will do that, its just going to happen in the morning instead of tonight.

Today has been interesting in a not so fun way. I attempted my run this morning, managed to do about 1.5 maybe 2k without stopping which is an improvement, but the mind still wasn't settled into it. So I did a few intervals home, ended up being only 30 mins but better than nothing. The plan is to go back to some of the c25k podcasts for a week or so and see if that helps with my pacing, because I think thats the issue I'm having, because I can now go faster and my speed is increasing I'm overextending myself too hard too fast and paying for it further along.

So came home got my gear together and went to softball. Now I had to get there early to get the rest of my uniform sorted (uniform day was when I was in Sydney for party), now I went expecting to be a S-M in most things. Apparently in hoody I'm an XS (or smaller but they dont make it smaller), a kids size 14 in training top (I originally thought she said 14 as in an adult size but no its kid size). I also got some good news on my playing top , I need a new one because the old one is now like a massive bag on me, the lady reckons the company should be able to tailor it up for me at a much reduced cost to save me spending the whole amount to buy a new one! This is definitely a bonus I hadn't expected because otherwise its getting quite expensive to re buy everything new when I only got it last year (weightloss gets expensive fast =P although I'd much rather pay for it this way rather than a hospital bill).

2 hrs later over 1000 cals burnt, sun burnt and exhausted I got home. Was feeling pretty good at that stage but desperately needed food and a shower. I was planning on meeting with the SAers but it soon became apparent I wasnt feeling up for it, especially when I got out of the shower to find another message on my phone from my so called father pretty much telling me I needed to hurry up and lose the weight, that I was no good for anything and no wonder I couldn't lose the weight when I didnt' control anything at all and so on. That ended my mood and I almost ended up in tears again.

Instead I went to bed, and slept and dreamt and slept and woke up not very refreshed #nosurprise there. I did feel better for the snooze though. Went to the shops looked around a little, came home stretched out and chatted online until housemates got back, then took dogs to the park for over an hour and came home again.

Tonight I've been very very flat, very close to tears again and feeling like I need to box. I actually spent a good few minutes this afternoon pretending to punch things in my room and in the process accidently punched the labrador in the head when he came sniffing to see what I was doing (being a lab i didnt' hurt him at all and he jumped up wanting to play some more).

I've kinda chopped and changed from feeling ok with everything to feeling quite low and close to tears. I know I've been far from perfect food wise this weekend, but some parts have been much better than usual which is good (like Saturday morning) some parts have been unplanned for and unusual (like the movie night chocolate etc). However despite this my head is starting to change, I'm not so upset and angry at myself for the way I've eaten this weekend, because I know I'm changing it and I know what went wrong. I've sat down and planned my meals and exercise for the first few days of this week.

So I'm going to shut off for tonight and will check in tomorrow for the weekly overview and how my Monday went including my start on my homework (yuck) only one week left of holidays now.

Good nite

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Day 6- Reality takes time

Saturday Week 1 for most of you this would mean doing a super saturday smash up. For me it means another morning spent driving and finishing hours at work experience, which means I get up to leave at 6:30, go load weights at the gym for 3 hours then drive home arriving sometime around midday. I long ago established that
Saturday training just doesnt work for me on this schedule because after dealign with teenage boys for 3 hours plus 2 hours driving in the car by the time I get home all I want is a nap. So Saturdays have become my rest days, which works fine for me at the moment because I dont currently have a job or anything much scheduled on a Sunday.

I know I said I was planning to get up and run this morning, but that feel apart when there was a noisy house until 2am and i was awake until then anyway. I also had all 4 boys by myself today with no supervisor so added pressure there and I needed a 1/2 decent sleep to get through it.

Work experience turned out to be quite ok (1 boy away, 2 were fine the 3rd was handful but managable+finished slightly early), I took my food like i said I would and happily munched my way through a punnet of strawberries on the way home which tided me over nicely until lunch. Came home got changed and we were off again, this time back to HarbourTown for more outlet shopping fun (aka Espirt and Colorado). I wont bore you with details of every single item I tried on (there were a few) instead I'll tell you what I came home with. Over the past 2 days I have reinvented my summer wardrobe.

2x shorts
1x skirt
3x  printed tee shirts
2 x tank tops
1x blouse/more formal nice top
2x dresses (1 goal dress and 1 i can wear now)

I got rather excited today because I had a favourite green singlet top I'd found in Espirt but the style of singlet was a little strange and didnt' suit me all that well, however today we found the fabric print in a full shirt style and tried it on, it does up now with some very tight buttons, so I have now found my goal top 1/2 outfit. I also found a maxi dress which I love the fabric print of and whilst I cant get it all the way on now but the dress is that long that if I dont end up being able to get into it we can easily make it into a skirt (or else I'm that short that everything is massively huge on me) anyway I digress given I only paid $5 for it Im not fussed if it ends up being a skirt.

After shopping we stopped at the video store and grabbed Brand New Day (sorry not spelt that way) and The Blind Side to continue our girly day. We first saw the Blind Side when it was out in the movies and loved it (I'm a big sad sop when it comes to anything biographical/based on true story/inspirational etc) and I've been hearing of so many people on twitter who have been watching it lately and felt a little left out, so I decided I needed to see it again, so I did.

Food tonight has been ordinary to say the least, lets just put a few words together and I'll let you piece the rest together. Ready..."you've been doing so much exercise you deserve it, you've got softball tomorrow anyway so you'll burn it off"....No thanks.....(5 mins later)....repeat...........(every 2 mins thereafter).....Mel caved.......only had a small portion and felt immediately sick (learning the lesson) but still caved. And now I kinda realised its like 10:30 and cos of the chocolate and chips I'm not hungry and kinda didn't eat dinner....ooops =$ (honest mistake) I promise I will eat before I go for run and training tomorrow (possibly a banana or something light but I will eat, I refuse to have another attack of the faints like what happened a few weeks ago).

I'd just come back up to my room after the movie marathon (ok few hours) and switched computer on, when my phone rang. Was the family doing the weekly check in on how I'm going etc. Then right at the end I hear this voice in the background (dad's) going tell Mel about nan I cant be bothered. So I asked and my sister tells me that my nan has been in hospital for almost a week and had surgery on Tuesday. Now this is pretty big news for me, because those that know the full story from last round know how close I am to this nan. She effectively raised me when I was growing up to the point where I was calling her mummynan. At the start of round 2 she has some health troubles and had another operation then which was quite large and they discovered she had cancer, however being her age they decided treatment was worse that the disease progression and would just keep an eye on her. So to be told today she has been in hospital for that long had another operation without me being even informed was a pretty huge shock, worse was that she's had complications and is now expecting to stay longer. Now I have a few issues here.

1. My parents didn't think I was worth being told this news personally. Instead they gave that job to my little sister.
2. Tonight I realised that they are putting my little sis up on the 'adult' role I took for a long time. (before everyone freaks out-no nothing similar is happening to her, she is a very different personality to me and the family is in a completely different dynamic now). I'm just not comfortable with her being an 'adult' before her time I know how much of my childhood I missed through whatever reasons and its the years of your life that you never get back. That made me very upset tonight, because the past few days I've been reflecting on the stuff I've missed and one of the big things i've missed from my childhood is being able to play outside, drag a bean bag out onto the fresh cut lawn and lay in the sun reading a book, simple stuff like that I couldn't really do since I was about 7 (when my sister was born).
3. I was away when my uncle passed away, I was away when that happened, no one told me when I was away because it was such a long trip home (8-9 hours in car) and they didnt' want me brooding over it. Now I understand that but I wasn't happy to get home and go from everythings fine to oh wait your uncle is dead and to arrive to a house full of crying relatives is a difficult to deal with particularly given his death was sudden and it was on the night of my cousins wedding so the family went from big celebration to big cry fest (for different reasons of course). It took me a long long time to get over the fact that I could go away overnight and everyone would still be there when i got back.

Even now I still sometimes get hit with fears that because I'm now permanently away from the family something is going to happen and I wont be there where I need to be and tonight stirred all that up again.

Probably the biggest reality shock to hit tonight is that its not changing, meaning the way they think of me and act and show they care (or really dont) isn't changing. It got me wondering why I bother, why bother keeping these big dreams of them coming back to say sorry and we love you and we do care, and we're here for you whenever (they do say that but its not backed by anything to show they mean it). I keep those dreams going because at times they're all I have to keep myself going and I'll take whatever works, but really I'm learning I need to be more realistic, these things arent going to happen. I realised tonight they dont show I'm worth even talking to when someone is sick, let alone I'm worth doing anything for myself. So I'm back at where I started this blog, why do I bother?

Because I can say that even only a week in Im starting to show I believe in myself more
I've got new clothes now so I have to be worth at the very least the money I spent on myself
I'm slowly coming out of my shell
Because since I posted the whole story on here I've felt a lot freer and more in touch with my mind and body than I have in a long time and aside from the initial worry and slight freak out when I saw someone who knew everything (in more detail than is included here) I haven't worried or stressed about it since putting it out there
Why because I'm starting to own my truth and accept my responsibilities and thats what its going to take from me.

Been a big day today, ended with a big out of control cry session and I felt quite horrible (sorry to those I was chatting with on facebook at the time, it wasnt pretty and I was typing without being able to see the screen) but all is good now. Although I definitely need to listen to a meditation tonight, I'm thinking inner child might be a bit strong (and tear jerking-its now my back up need to cry substitute), perhaps finding your heart or just the mini relaxation break will work.

Anyhow tomorrow is a run (yes it will happen at some point) and double softball training then coffee with the SA 12wbt peeps, will be good to see some new and old faces again (did I mention I have issues facing new people with my story out there =$ even though I'm not entirely sure any of them have read this..if I act strangely I promise its not cos of you, its all me and my silly mind games). But I can also wear my new clothes cos the weather is supposed to be awesome, eekk just realised its now past 11pm and I need sleep desperately so I'll catch you all tomorrow with my end of week overview.

Mel =)

Friday, September 24, 2010

Day 5- good for the soul

Hey everyone
Can't believe its almost the end of week 1 already. Today was a better day. My phone was going weird last night, so my alarms didn't go off this morning, and I slept in until almost 10:30am, which was good to do but I had planned on doing a class and getting fitness test and homework done before lunchtime. And well the only thing on that list that I got done was the fitness test.

Now I was in a much better frame of mind to do the fitness test this time around. I had slept fairly well, it was morning (meaning i wasn't completely tired), the sun was shining, clothes were ready, I wore my old worn in shoes rather than the new stiff x-trainers, I've taken my supplements for a couple of days and generally my mood was much nicer. I was also bolstered by a few messages I received last night wishing me well etc, so thank u for the gorgeous peeps who sent then through, much appreciated.

So given the above I was happy and relieved to see my results came back in closer to what I was expecting.

1km- 05:17
wall sit-03:10
flexibility- +12

That is my fastest time trial (completed on my course, I still have doubts over the length of the Sydney one), pushups were slightly down from end of last round but that doesnt' bother me, wall sit is another 20sec increase so very happy, flexibility is the same. Abs I have stopped lying to myself and scored myself stage 0 because I can really only just get my fingertips to my knees when trying and not much further. That is my biggest target to work on.

Once I'd done the fitness test including #wallsitofdeath as we have nicknamed it I settled in to do my core work as per Mish's plan. I'm working core at beginner level and everything else at advanced. At the moment I'm sticking with the gym classes majority of the time with some running training thrown in to get the distance back up for the 10k Race for Life next month and to improve the mental side of it. I aim to throw in at least one outdoor circut per week though to make sure I'm staying around the mark with Mish's toning/circuit plans.

Then it was finally time for the fun part of the afternoon-SHOPPING!! Now I must say it was a laugh. Trying to find something figure hugging in non peachy shades was interesting. We ended up at HarbourTown (discounted brand stores) and had a blast looking at fashions and laughing at lace, ribbons, rouching, frills and alsorts of weird and wacky things. However once we reached Espirt I kinda fell in love. I ended up with a new skirt and 3 new tops. Now that skirt has a story, when I was shopping for goal clothes that skirt was there, being a discount store I liked it at the time but only saw it on my way out and couldn't be bothered trying it on then. Therefore I left assuming I'd never see it again, well today it was still there so this time with some peer pressure I decided to try it on (I'm not a skirt girl btw). Well I'll be darned the 8 fitted. Looking through we were discussing how the 8 already fitted yet I've still got room to go on the waist and how I didn't want to spend that much money on something that potentially wouldn't fit well soon. So I carried it for a while and eventually went back to the rack and looking through found a 6.... which wasn't a lot smaller than the 8. With some encouragement I went and tried it on, and nearly fainted. It fit, like the zip went all the way up!!! and it didnt' even look terrible!

So after that I had to get the skirt, got to register and the total was a lot less than I was expecting because there was another 30-40% off most items in store. I was so tempted to run back in and get all the other stuff I'd been drooling over! Next stop was Colorado to look, well they also had another 40% of ticketed price and a heap of gorgeous casual shorts. I should explain the purpose of this trip was to get some summer stuff because my wardrobe literally only contained workout gear, track pants, uni uniform and socks and undies. Nothing summery or remotely casual/dressed up. So I got a pair of shorts there and by that stage we had run out of time for anything else. Picked up a few groceries at woolies and headed home.

Got home so excited to show off to housemate (well parade) and quickly discovered no one else at home =( found out she was still at uni so off i went to pick her up. Came back and paraded around in my new gear (she very impressed) and I've now talked her into coming shopping with me again tomorrow =P.  I also really realised tonight that I am smaller than I think I am. I know that sounds weird but I can now safely say I am a size 6-10 (depending on brand) on my bottom 1/2, which is very weird and freaked me out for a while, but it just means I need to work on seeing the changes all over, not just focusing on the needs improvement bits.

I realised on my way home today, that I'd spent a whole day challenging myself (in terms of trying things, having fun out in public etc) and not once thought of whats happened. That was a lightbulb for me, I actually got all emotional over it in the car on the way home because of a few things. Shopping like that was something I used to do back in my gap year, I was free to go to any shop, try on something find a suitable size and leave happy with my purchase, I didn't care (beyond reason) what I looked like or how I was portraying myself. I could enjoy the spring/summer afternoons sitting around reading a book to relax or go for a walk. I was getting up at 5:30 every morning and seeing the sunrise and enjoying seeing it, taking peace and calmness from having my time again. It hit me driving home today that I'm starting to do those things again, I'm starting to really move on, and yes there are bad days and horrible memories and flashbacks and thoughts, but there are also good days, when everything is brighter and happier and I can relax be with friends and be myself. It feels good to know that I can start to do that again now. its been a long long draining journey but days like today make it feel worth it again, make me worth it and I am so glad I did get some cool stuff today because I have to say I've worked darn hard to reach this stage and I deserve some good stuff once in a while.

Tomorrows plan is up early for a run before work experience I'm aiming for 3-5k depending on how legs/mind feel I have to push through and run the whole thing though, its getting ridiculous how my mind is going with running at the moment. Then its work experience where I'm going to have my oats,yoghurt and fruit to eat 1/2 before and 1/2 on way there (fills me up longer) also taking carrot sticks and dip and a punnet of strawberries along with my water and the tin of tuna that permanently resides in my glove box (if I break down I wont starve for long =P) so I should be all set. I refuse to give into temptation, tomorrow I'm going to have a clean day food and exercise. Then heading out shopping to HarbourTown again this time housemate wants to come with me, so we gonna have a girly day and maybe kick it off with a movie tomorrow night.

So until then (and hopefully with more bargains)

I'll chat to you soon

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Day 4...lessons still to be learnt

AKA get organised and have food prepared, particularly for work experience days when on holidays!! Temptation of shopping centre food court fine, the drive home when its dark and hungry not so fine. Made an ok choice just not the best choice.

In other news last nights sleep was possibly the worst for some time without me knowing it was bad. I know that wont make sense but I must of had nightmares or something cos I woke up late this morning drenched in sweat and heart racing, yet I dont remember anything of what I dreamt of. That started me on the wrong foot today, and I kinda cheated my exercise a little. I did the outdoor toning program in my room which was fine (except for towel pulls) and did the abs section. I made up for it when I went to work experience tonight though did extra leg curl, biceps and triceps on the machines whilst the boys were taking forever to get moving.

Will be so glad when this work experience thing is over, its starting to drag on now, down to 6wks for the first finisher and then 10weeks to the final one. I'm still job hunting and still as unsuccessful at the moment. I did receive an email asking for coaches of the junior teams of my softball club. Which would work out good becasue then I recive a 50% discount on my fees and if I do any umpiring will get paid either $15 or $30 per game depending on if i do a base or a plate. The only thing stopping me from calling to see if they still need the junior coaches is the fact that I hate making phone calls full stop and the guy you have to apply to doesnt' like me and therefore i"m thinking he might not give it to me cos he wants to judge me =$ And I'm also not sure if i will have time to get from Elizabeth to West Beach in 1hr on a Saturday morning. So I have kinda held off calling until I can talk to my supervisor about leaving earlier on the Saturday sessions, but she is away this week so I dont know when I can talk to her and then I'm thinking they will have filled the position.

Now things achieved are, buying new cross trainers, 4 days straight exercise-yet to miss an exercise session (although todays wasn't a real session- the exercises still got done), remembering to take my tablet and drinking water. Room for improvement things are planning on wk/exp days, healthy snacks (again just wasnt prepared) and food disappearing... (especially fruit yoghurt and spinach).

I did get my to do list written out today, and have got more idea of red flags now, pretty much every Saturday and Thursday are going to be my danger zones, because of work experience and softball and having no uni distractions (Thursday) gives me more time to think about food and talk myself into going to get stuff I dont need. However it also means I have more time to get a killer session in.

So feeling a little blah tonight, bit emotional and tired from work experience (one of the gym junky muscle men  1/2 yelled at me to move my stuff and I got very jumpy) and bit crappy over food choices. But tomorrow I'm going to redo the fitness test (with a more open mind), do the core workout from the outdoor program and if I'm up early enough get along to a class (probably rpm me thinks).

My aim for the next week is to be up early enough to watch the sunrise at least 3 days (the actual sun not the show =P) while I'm out either walking/running or going/coming from the gym, to give me a little reminder the world isn't all bad and horrible.

Until tomorrow, unless I have a lightbulb moment tonight


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

............ Breakdown.............

bare with me here, this wont make much sense given I'm still crying. Only way to stop driving to takeaway right now......

I just tried to do the fitness test. Complete fail. Last round did time trial in 5:40 at the end, and 04:59 in Sydney at party, today it took right on 6:00 mins. Head now telling me I'm a failure that this proves I'm not worth it, could barely walk back to the house, made it in my door and burst into tears. Theres no point if I cant even run 1km (btw I talked myself into stopping tonight and walking part of it because it was uncomfortable). 

I'm so F&)^(*%^* pissed at myself right now. I can run 1km I've run 10 of the damned things. I've even ran and walked the City2Surf. I've just lost the running bug at the moment. I know running is a mental game and I know all the tricks to change my mind, but right now It seems nothing is freaking working. The frustrating thing is I should be able to do this. I've committed to doing it properly all of it and that includes the fitness tests and challenges and everything else. Yet I still act so stupidly. 

So that was the run, next is pushups and after that run etc I had to push myself to do it. And well that ended any half good thoughts I had. last round got to 50 today 34......... again #fail says the head. Wall sit I haven't even attempted cos I know it wont be good and abs we wont speak about. 

All in all feeling rather like a unworthy, broken down horrible failure of a person. However in hindsight and now i've calmed down a little. I'm going to go and spend a night in front of the tv, without eating crap, then try the test again on Friday when I havent been up all day and already done a morning class. 

I'm not going to enter the results in yet, because I want to see if i can do better if I'm just having an off day, which is quite possible given TTOM etc (which is why I'm so emotional over a stupid fitness test).

Ok now i've got that out of my system i'm going to go have dinner and have a chill out night before RPM and toning dvd in the morning. 


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Day 3- Weigh In!!! =$

Well its Wednesday which means weigh in is here. Up I got and on I hopped, surprisingly I saw -1.1kgs (61.1kgs). This was surprising because of TTOM bloat that is currently in progress, the amount of salt laden crap I ate in the days after Sydney and the amount of salt I ate last night. So all in all very happy with my progress this week.

I've realised a few things have to be tighter, like when I wake up in the morning no more laying in bed considering getting up (it doesnt help that i'm on holidays for 2 weeks so can afford the luxury of the sleep in) I need to get up and do it. Another thing I've realised is my calorie burn on exercise is slowing way down now, so I really need to make sure at least a few of my sessions each week are gut busters.

I also ticked one of my goals this morning, was to try BodyCombat which is a martial arts based fighting class with out contact (u dont actually hit anyone) was a lot of fun and i"ll definitely be going again. Calorie burn wasnt helped by the fact the class was in the 45 min timeslot and I had to choose some of the lower impact options because I had no idea how to coordinate the feet with hands LOL so got 263 for 45mins. But its 200 odd more than I would of got laying in bed considering going.

In other news my ankles are finally starting to feel normal, the left is still quite tender and came up a bit bruised but swelling has pretty much gone down now. My wrist is still bruised and I think my black eyes are going down (I was trying to remove the vacuum head from the hose and it was jammed on quite tight, it came off and clocked myself straight between the eyes with the head, whilst wearing my glasses, so have had a couple of awesome black eyes the past few days, got me some great looks I can tell you).

I'm off now to finish up around the house, tidy my room and head into the city to meet a friend for catchup, coffee and shopping =)

Hope you all went well with weigh in
Talk to you soon


Day 2- Bad start, worse finish

3am- housemate woke me up on her way to the bathroom, with a vomitting bug
7am- she still vomitting hardly stopped for 4 hours, I rang helpline they said go to hospital
730am- driving her to hospital waitting to see doc
9.30am- doc give her anti-puke injection we head home

Only issue, my step class was supposed to be at 930am. So there went my try a step class day. Instead I hastily rearranged timetable to do rpm tonight instead.

Thats all fine, except then freaking TTOM started so I was in a great mood for most of the day NOT.

 By lunchtime I'd had enough, in my head I wasn't worthy of going to see the guy at AIF, I wasnt fit enough to walk in their door, I was still overweight, they would see that and tell me straight off no. So I argued with myself for a good while and then drove into the city to try and find a park, couldn't find one so ended up heading out towards my old suburb, and went window shopping for a while. Finally realised it was time to head back into city and I pulled out a JFDI card to go to the appointment.

Now the guy was really nice and I know its what I want to do and all that, its just the cost factor. They are darned expensive. So that got me questioning it. I need to find a part time job even if only for over xmas to get some form of income coming in. I applied for another few positions today, but noone is getting back to me and I've even rung to leave enquiries- apparently no one wants me =(

Tonight I again pulled a JFDI card and went to RPM even though I didn't want to. I got there on time for once =) and got everything set up to find the instructor tell us she'd made a mix of her favourite toughest tracks to play tonight. which effectively meant we had no official recovery tracks. OMG it was crazy. I was dead by the start of track 3. One thing I have realised the past two days is I find it a lot easier to keep my pace up when I've got my eyes closed, I dont know why that is,perhaps cos of my meditation stuff it helps me to centre and focus or whatever but it really works for me so I'm going to keep doing it when I need to.

calorie wise rpm im now struggling to burn 400cals a class, I think its because I struggle to push through my legs on the tougher seated climbs, and then I lose pace because my legs need to recover not necessairly my heart rate. But I figure that can only improve with the more classes I do.

And then tonight. Lets just say housemates both recovered and wanted to go for drink/food somewhere, turns out they planned it behind my back and I was forcibly put into the car (like he actually lifted me into the car) and taken to the local 24hr bakery cafe. Thats fine I was all set to have water and next thing the waiter arrives with burgers, chips and milkshake. I hadn't ordered this yet someone obviously thought I was hungry. and then because it was in front of me I started eating. I got through about 1/2 of it before I realised what I was doing and stopped, but I felt so sick after. Was horrible and I'm quite angry at their blatant sabotage of me, plus angry at myself for allowing it to happen and not saying no. I will say the damage was kinda limited due to my lack of snacking yesterday and having soup with no added toast etc so I was quite hopeful although annoyed at getting on the scales this morning.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Day 1

Day 1 Round 3
So the plan was to be at the 6:15 RPM class and if I couldn't get into the class then I would do the advanced gym machines. That was before I was awake until 2am with stomach cramps. My alarm did still go off at 5:40 and I was awake, but still felt quite cruddy. I probably should of turned around and just got up and went, but I had the lack of sleep head fog and then my head said oh your on holidays dont worry about it go later. I ended up resetting the alarm for 8am to make the 930 class.

Again alarm went off and I struggled by then I was awake enough but my legs were feeling rather horrible from the run yesterday which also gave the head another excuse to shove down my throat. However I ignored it and got up and dressed, once I was dressed it was a lot harder to turn around and say oh now your not training.

So off I headed to the gym, because it took me so darned long to get ready I was in serious trouble of missing the class or it being full by the time I got there. I did have options though as attack is held at the same time (but I didnt feel like the legs were strong enough to push through attack after the run). Anyhow I got to the gym with about 2 mins to spare and raced up jumped on the bike and got going.

This was the first time I'd had a class with this instructor and I have to say she's probably my favourite one of all the rpm instructors at my gym. I find it strange to say that I really enjoyed track 5 today (I know weird) however I do have a burning hate for the Night Train track 7, my gym has been doing a mix of releases for the past month or so and it seems that every rpm class I've done in the past 3 weeks has used night train as track 7 and I hate it! (end of rant).

So total for the class was 434 cals which is actually one of my highest burns for RPM. I seem to have trouble pushing for higher cals in the class I'm hoping it improves as I get more used to the class and where I can push myself etc.

I left the class feeling much better and caught up with another 12wbter who I met during round 2 and is also doing round 3 which helped because I knew someone else was potentially watching me to ensure I didnt' slack off.

Came home had shower and breakfast and then headed out to shops for a few ingredients that I'd forgotten and lets just say the dairy cabinet was calling my name.... and er I may have come home with a tub of chocolate mousse that I didnt plan on buying. However the good news is that both tubs combined was only 200 cals (cos i kinda the first one then got through 1/2 of second before I woke up to myself and then threw it out). Otherwise food has been on track.

Spent the day pretty relaxing I've given myself until Thursday to relax and then I'll focus on my homework as well as relaxing time. And then tonight I was sitting here not long ago thinking I'm not hungry and bored nothing on tv, so I did another stretch and then thought the smart idea would be to do a toning dvd so I can get a start on tomorrows workout.

So as you do I decided to do another session and try Mish's TTT workout for the first time. I struggled with some of the cardio parts cos my quads were quite tight, but I still pushed as hard as I could and did the whole thing altho using some low impact options. I only burnt 200 odd cals but its made me feel a lot better about the chocolate mousse incident.

Now tomorrows plan is to try step for the first time in line with my goals. I will get to class earlier so I can have time to do a gentle warm up and stretch my legs out and introduce myself to the instructor before hand. This is another instructor I've never had before so it'll be interesting to see how I like both the class and the instructor.

Ok now confession time another thing I realised last night was the fact that my weighing habit has turned slightly crazy. I've gotten into a really bad habit of weighing myself everyday more often than not more than once per day and it does nothing for me. I know its good. So I'm committing right here and now that I am not going to weigh in except on a Wednesday for weigh in for the entire 12 weeks.

Oh other exciting news is I had a call from AIF (Australian Institute of Fitness) today about the enquiry I put in over the weekend. Because my degree is effectively a sports science the main job we come out with at an entry level is PT/fitness industry and private industry rehab/consultancy/health programming. But the issue is whilst we are studying there is a perception in the industry we dont know anything and aren't effectively qualified as a 'PT' which creates issues when looking for career specific jobs during study time. So my thoughts were to talk to someone about completing cert III and IV and because of my studies I should be able to get heaps of RPL. So I now have an appointment for 3pm tomorrow afternoon to go and talk to the guy about my options/study stream/costs etc. I'm not sure I do want to be a PT because my interest is more in the rehab area and I'm considering a couple of options for postgrad/further study however as an in between option its quite exciting. But this means I MUST get myself happening on diet and exercise. Its also going to force me out of my comfort zone in a big way. I'm hoping if I can work out to do the course it gives me more confidence in my skills, because uni teaches us the info we dont get many opportunitites to get field experience.

Anyhow I'll be sure to fill you in on the details tomorrow

take care
Mel =)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Another Sunday another 'run'

Hi me back again (anyone sick of reading about my rather mundane life yet?) Not that I really care, Im just keeping myself honest as I go about this round-well trying to anyway.

So I figure the best way to approach today's events is to do a general overview of the day. It started at the crazy time of 5.20am. Yes people thats right Mel was awake before 6am on a Sunday!!! (miracle). I had everything packed and ready to go last night, so pretty much got up ate my banana and off I went to drop my car off somewhere hopefully close to the finish and catch the tram into the city.

Thats all fine, driving out I could see where the final 2 water stations were because I drove down the last 4km of the course (before it was blocked) and saw the signs, they all had awesome messages on them like 'if they can do it i can to' 'i've come this far i'm not quitting now' 'the last stop is the finish line' 'look at what you've achieved the end isnt far off now' (these are roughly what they said I dont have the best photographic memory =P).

I got the tram arrived in the city nice and early all was good. Went for my walk, did a warm up, stretched, stripped the warm clothes, handed my bag in, got HRM working, and found my starting area. Prior to the run I had the goal of running the 12k between 1hr 10-1hr 20 which put me in the 70-100min start group. Thinking now I kinda realised that goal was probably a little (or a lot) unrealistic. I just wanted to beat my 10km time from Run Melbourne 2 months earlier which was 1hr 21:57.

Now I should add that a panic/anxiety attack whilst waiting at the start line which really didn't help my pre-race nerves. I should mention this was the first fun run I've ever raced by myself, which was also playing on my mind. So I was kinda set and then the 'gun' went off and the elite group was off. I say 'gun' cos there was no gun, at least no one heard it.

Next thing we all kinda surged forward and started jogging then hit another crowd block then took off again under the sign and off we went for real. Straight away my head was bad, I realised within the first 200m it was gonna be a tough race. Twisting my ankle on a road light reflector thing in the first 700m didn't help anything either. I pushed for the first km and probably went out a bit hard, I kinda got swept along with everyone else and the people around me should of been at the 50-60 min group so they set quite a pace. I think my first k was 5:44 which is equivalent to my best 1km time trial at start of round 2 and only 45 seconds slower to the 1km time trial I ran in Sydney last week.

I really wasnt feeling good and the wonderful head wind heading through Victoria Square reallly didn't help anything and that was about when it started drizzly rain. Not enough to get wet but enough to feel cold when combined with the strong head wind. I think I made 2.5 km before I stopped. My heart rate was at 187, I was close to puking, breathing gone, head gone, another panic attack on the way I had to stop. I'm not happy that I did, I'd originally set the goal of getting to 5k then reassessing. I then changed that to get to 2k and reassess and was going get to the tree, traffic lights, policeman etc. So in that regard I did push myself to run more than I thought I could. Soon as I stopped tho, that was it, head told me I was a failure, tears started, breathing gone, HR wouldn't come back down, I dont quite know how to explain what happened, except it was bad.

If I was with someone else I reckon I would of had a much better chance of pulling myself through and got going a lot easier than I did. I walked for a while and ran very short intervals with long walking periods for a while. Somehow made it to the 5k mark in about 36 mins which is right on my 5km PB (although I was walking most of this so my speed has obviously increased somewhere). I think I walked until the 8km mark then, which was about where I got shoved aside by the idiots running with the bed/stretcher thing I had moved right over to the side because I was walking I didn't want to get in way if I could help it, they came through and this guy just shoved me aside and I tripped on the kerbing close I was already pretty much walking on it anyway. That got me upset again.

I tried to run 1k to see if I could do it and work out what was stopping me, I'd messaged a friend when I first starting walking cos I felt terrible for stopping. She asked me to try for 1km for her and if I could do that to keep going. Well I made probably 600m and that was it. So I did very short running intervals inbetween much longer walks the whole way. The last 1km it started raining as I hit the sign, and I thought bugger it my head has 'won' this much but I'm not letting it get me completely so I ran, and ran and ran and my HR hit 200 (my max) but I ran (stumbled) across the line. By my watch it was 1hr 34min 57secs will check official race time on Tuesday, however I'm not confident on the timing system they use its outdated and has heaps of issues every year, but I might be surprised.

After my 'run' I grabbed my goodie bag found my real clothes bag after 10 mins of looking for the collection area and headed off to the car. Orginally at the 2km mark I was thinking I didn't deserve to go to softball woudl be better off going home to cry myself to sleep etc. However once I finished I was in such a bad mood with myself I changed it and realised going to softball would cheer me up. So I walked the 30 mins to my car and lead footed it to softball (no I never speed). I should mention I'd previously told my coach I woudln't be coming today but that was when I though the race was starting later than it did, so I had extra time after. She promptly replied that I was nuts and I shouldnt train for fear of burning me out. My reply was I am nuts but I want to train I've got the training bug and I'll see how it goes if I get there I get there. She then told me I made her smile she still thought I was nuts and she was happy to maybe see me today.

So when I arrived only 20mins late I missed the main warm up (already warm =P) a few faces dropped a few started laughing and a few people I hadn't seen for 6 months and I was wearing my running gear (which is much tighter fitting than what I normally wear to training). Batting practice was good until I did an awesome hit which left my follow through smacking into my hrm watch piece (normally cant wear any watch/bangle) but i forgot, so my wrist is now turning nice and purple and is quite tender, but I've had worse. Otherwise had a great training was great to catch up with the girls again after a week away and got some really positive comments. I was also quite excited by getting to catch part of batting practice, I have caught for the best part of 4 years so it was so great to get back in there again, although I do have to say the gear was way to big for my legs =P.

Training finished talked for a while then headed home, toilet, shower, food, sleep in that order was the name of the afternoon. I do feel a lot calmer for the sleep and I have discovered a few reasons why I didn't go as planned today.

1. I really didn't train for this event, I did the whole ok I survived City to Surf on not a lot of training, so I'll be fine with City-Bay. Big mistake especially considering I didn't even do 1 long run outside in between events (slack).
2. City-Bay course is flat/downhill so therefore it will be easier than City-Surf. Again big mistake, just cos the course is perceivabley easier doesn't mean its actually easier and depending on conditions/day/mood etc
3. Running a race isnt the generalised treatment for panic attack
4. I'm proud I didn't let my head stop me from finishing, even if at one point the one reason I was going forward and not dropping out was to get to my car at the other end.
5. Setting a goal is just that a goal, I got myself confused because I was trying to go too hard and push to see how well I could meet new goals when I hadn't prepared or planned originally to do that.

So I'm sure I'll think of other reasons/excuses later on but they the main points off the top of my head for now. My next race will be the Race4Life on October 17 running with Leonie (i hope). I'm now scared of a repeat of today though so Im not as sure as I was to do the 10k option. I think this time will be better though because I've committed to doing the training for the round and that has been the biggest area I struggle with is consistency in training. So what the hell I'll sign up to do the 10 and see what happens. You never know a PB might be calling.

I'll be back on later to post some other thoughts/reasons/excuses I've come up with over the last few days. But for now I'm off to think about dinner, watch the 12wbt vid, plan a holiday and relax.

Luv Mel

Friday, September 17, 2010

Measure Up!

Official starting stats

Round 3
weight 62.2  (up 2kgs from last weight round 2- shows emotions got a bit strong and hard-not anymore)
chest 96 cm
waist 77cm
knee distance 20
RT 46cm
LT 46
Front Round 3
Right Side
Left side- and bad photo of scar =$

Back Round 3

Well there you have it, photos scars and all. I'm out there and moving forward. Sorry about the blue line on the photos, I was sitting camera on a box and it tilted as the timer went off =P

Hope your all going well on your tasks and are ready to rock!

Luv always

PS Task 4,5, Gearing up, putting it out there and Kitchen

PS task 4-gearing up.I think I'm pretty much set for this task. I've got the gym membership-I do need to find the timetable which I've lost =P. I've realised a few things about how I'm kinda scared of the gym depending on my mood. So I've gone and got TTT for strength days, and I'm going back on Monday to get a cardio DVD. Running wise I'm currently looking at 5km training plans and I think at this stage I'm going to be following one by Hal Higdon because it looks the easiest to understand that I've found.

Also on my list to buy next week is new training shoes (my old ones are fine for a good while longer but I'm getting new ones whilst I can).

Now committment. Well that meant something different. This is what I came up with.

My commitment is to run 5km in under 30mins, to fit the Esprit shorts hanging on my wall, lose 10kgs and reach a healthy weight.I am committed to do every single training session on the schedule to follow the nutrition plan, run all the sprints and hills. I will be accountable, responsible and live my truth. I will learn to love myself & move past the crap, I will show myself I am worth more and I deserve more.

This time writing that actually meant I had to mean it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but rounds 1 and 2 I've hidden behind the assault and really used it as an excuse. I've always been like oh its all right for so and so because I've had it harder than they have and I'm allowed to because I've had this happen to me and no one knows that. I dont even know where that train of thought has come from. I know its not right to compare like that or judge experiences and in every other case I never compare experiences with others because I know how damaging it can be to be have things minimised etc. However in saying that I was still telling myself in my head at least that I always had a fall back plan. And well now I dont. So yeah I think putting this all out there will help me learn to be more honest with myself than anything else. It was difficult to sit and realise its not a secret anymore, I cant take it back now even if I wanted to, not that I should have to either. 

Its gonna sound silly but I'm having so many little obvious moments here that I'm wondering why this didnt' happen in rounds 1 and 2, I know I wasnt as mentally prepared then and now I'm starting to look forward to this round, already I feel a lot more in control because the secrecy has been broken. 

I'm pleased to say that last night I had dinner and some yoghurt for dessert and went straight to bed, I didn't eat again after for the first time in who knows how long, even when I got annoyed at housemates and all that other stuff.

The Kitchen task is one of the more difficult ones for me to complete honestly and accuractely mainly because of the situation in my house. I went shopping last night to restock my essentials box and get a few things and housemate came with me, she watched as I got all my good stuff then came home with cinnamon scrolls and some other bread bun thing. And offered it to me not once but 5 separate times over the space of 2 hours. I said No and No and I'm fine thanks and I've just eaten and then on the last occasion I walked away. 

So now just got to Organise and Diarise and I'll be set for the round to kick off! 

Hope everyone is well, I also had another win this morning and stuck to my guns at work experience, didn't eat any crap was up early enough to get room tidy, bed made, breakfast made and shower done before leaving-this is actually a miracle for me on a Saturday. This achievement is even better considering my early morning boy didnt' show up so I suddenly had another hr where the only thing open at the shops was the food court =$ I saw so many people eating hot dogs and milkshakes at 830am it was ridiculous. 

Came home and have so far spent the day cooking and cleaning, I've made tuna and veggie lasange (was also going to do Nats lasange but realised after I got home I forgot the mince =$) and also got minestrone soup done and frozen. Otherwise my list now involves doing Task 7 and posting my measure up details (which I will do after I post this). Then tonight will be finishing my photo book now I have more tape and relaxing getting ready for a big day tomorrow. 

I'm running City-Bay (sure I've mentioned this =P)  but also decided I cant miss two softball trainings in a row (well technically I can but I dont want to) so I'm heading straight from the finish line to softball for a 2 hour fitness/skills session. I may not be able to move on Monday but thats ok. That also reminds me I need to investigate buying a foam roller from somewhere because I really want one to help stretch me out and I'm not quite up to seeing a massage therapist (work in progress).

Much love

tired, angry and borderline emotional

I know I've posted a lot here already in the past 24 hrs but obviously I need to. I think this is going to turn into my online journal after this is over. I just need a me space. Well today has been interesting and difficult. I ended up getting very little sleep last night after posting my story, was hard to put it out there like I did, not knowing how anyone was going to react, how I would react etc. But I did it. I woke up this morning and wanted to pull it down, but I sat and thought more about leaving it. I kinda realised that I shouldn't have to hide from it or be ashamed off it, I mean I still am but I'm slowly starting to see its not all my fault.

Most of today was doing PS tasks as you can see and getting organised for the round. I ended up having a good talk to my female housemate tonight about her husband and his attitude of late, we worked out its a problem with him because we have both been having similar thoughts/issues with him. I think we planning on sitting down during the holidays to have a talk together over issues, not looking forward to it but will wait and see.

I also did my measure up task this morning. I will post more details on it in the next few days. Doing photos I took a side shot, I havent taken a side shot for quite a few months. I wanted to compare before and afters, I needed something to show me I had changed/am changing. When i went to find other shots on camera tonight to compare I realised I've lost my memory card =( so now need to do a hunt tomorrow to find it. I did find some of the printed versions of the photo I was looking for which was good. Until I compared them, I just didnt see as much of a change as I thought I would. I know my stomach is still my problem area, especially due to my huge scar, but it really got me upset. I dont know what I was expecting but I think I fell into the trap of comparing myself to others again. So yeah my head isnt givng me the best messages right now but will keep going and find the better stuff soon I hope.

Also got so angry at housemates tonight, I have to be up early on Saturdays to get to work experience on time, so means im up at 6am. They dont care and have friends over and do workouts in the room next to mine all night often until 2-3am. Becuase they dont have to get up, it doesnt' matter to them. Well tonight before they went out I asked them if they were bringing anyone home, if it was a late night etc so I knew what to expect, because generally if I know I can plan when I try and sleep better. They said nope early night home by 10 no one else is coming.

Fine sounds great, an early night for me then, so I went off and had a bath to relax (because I cant eat anything anymore and I was starting to overthink the whole blog thing again) and just got back on the computer to say good nite before bed and bang they arrive, with not only the usual 2 friends but their friends as well. So I now have 6 people making noise, cooking, making a mess in the kitchen and they pretty much woke me up, I was about 5 mins off sleep and have now been wide awake for the past hour because they freaking came home. Worst part is they will wake me when they leave at whatever hour because these particular friends seem to find it funny I have to get up early and therefore go to bed early, so they deliberately bang or slam the door on the way out to try and wake me up.

So yeah all in all I'm not all that happy now, I was pleased with the day and I am pleased with certain wins I've had along the way tonight. I got berries and have got them individually packaged in the freezer, I have ingredients for soup, and will get the rest to do Nat's lasange tomorrow. I feel like I've got so much I need to do right now, just a little overwhelmed with everything, besides the emotions of everything. But already much more in control, Im actually slightly amazed at the difference in my attitude and language already just from actually putting the story out there. Yes it hurts if i read it again (which I cant at moment) but doing it has helped me to realise a few things as I've gone.

Anyway I think they've moved the noise to the other end of the house, so I shall log off for another night and do my meditation to calm thy brain hopefully equalling sleep.

Btw I also commit to getting up on time to get breakfast and snacks packed to take with me to work experience, I will not stop for bakery items or eat fast food on a Saturday because of work experience (old excuse)

Until tomorrow

Thursday, September 16, 2010

PS Task 3- Goals, goals and more goals

Just before I write goals I just want to say thank you to everyone who has read my story and messaged or replied to me on twitter and facebook. Thank you for your messages, I automatically wanted to disregard them and really had to force myself to see that you didn't hate me and that I am not a bad person for needing to share this. I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to actually read this so it was a shock when people did. I get into a space when I'm writing here that its more just a journal for me, which is why it gets so long and wordy, and to receive positive comments on it made my day- along with making me freak out that people had read it, but thats why I put it out there to change the way I see it. I know I keep repeating myself here but I'm going with the thought that th more I say it and the more I come to mean it the more it will help and I will see things differently

Ok goals are something relatively easy for me to do (in comparison to everything else at least).

1 Month
complete at least 1 combat class
complete at least 1 attack class
try fat burner (class at gym no idea what it is)
be under 60kgs for first time ever
have a JOB!
complete 10km race for life with other 12wbters in time under 1hr (this may change depending on how fast I run the 12km City-Bay this weekend)

checking gym timetable and diarising the classes
JFDI when I want to leave and get scare because I'll look unco or wont know what I'm doing
Maybe see if I can go with other 12wbters (a few of us are at same gym)
Follow the 12wbt program including all the strength sessions using either dvd or outdoor programs if I can't force myself to the gym

2 month
Climb Mount Lofty at least once!
I've never done the full climb, last round I got about 3/4 the way up with a friend but it got dark so we had to leave early.

Follow training plan to the letter, including all the treddy sprints, wall sits, abs, stretching and all the parts I didn't quite follow in the last rounds

3 Month
If I get to the trainng session (depending on dates) complete the advanced training session
If not complete another version of the triathlon or major milestone
Be between 51-54 kgs (determine ultimate goal when I get there)
run 5km under 30mins preferably in a race, I'm checking possibilities now, however once again uni dates need to be factored in.
Fit into and wear the pair of Esprit shorts which are hanging off my mantel piece

Keep training
Keep pushing the positive mantras and messages in my head
Research and follow a 5k speed training program including all the sprints, hill runs, treadmill sprints etc

6 month
10km less than hour (again depending on current times this will be updated as I go)
maintain weight within 2 kgs of goal weight

follow training plan
keep training after events dont just get to event and say ok thats over now find new goals, stretch the boundaries and keep pushing myself and my comfort zone

12 month
run 1/2 marathon at Gold Coast with my uncle and other 12wbters

maintaining strength training and other cardio
following training program
being committed to the goal
signing up early so I have less time to talk myself out of it
continuing the nutrition and workout plans

I dont usually go for the rewards system, well I guess I do, just not in a specific way. One thing I've been telling people for ages is when i get to my goal weight (around 52kgs) I will buy a proper pair of skins or 2xu compression pants/shorts. I love these but cant justify spending the money on them when I am still loosing weight/changing shape so often.

Other rewards will probably be new clothes every so often, having money from the job (dream come true). I am also planning a few trips around the place-nothing concrete but just ideas at this stage, so would be great to tie in something weight or fitness related with those ideas.

So thats goals done, I probably need to come back after I've diarised and organised to really sit down and nut out proper plans but the basic info is there


PS tasks 2- Get Real No More Excuses

So I know I've done these tasks at least twice before. However listening to Mish today about this, I actually listened. I really listened. One big thing that jumped out at me was when she speaks of exercise being part of your day, just like brushing your hair, showering, making your bed. That really hit home for me. Ever since the events below, I've struggled with the self care stuff, because I dont think I"m worth it, the messages I got from family and some friends were that I wasn't worth it, I didn't deserve it. For a long time I struggled to even have a shower, I would go days without showering, or making my bed, I was basically living in a messy environment with a messy head= bad combination. I realised this last night when I was first listening to this video, that for me to change I have to change my environment and my habits. I have to make new habits. I know this sounds simple, but in my head its a big switch. I have to wake up every morning and say I deserve to have a shower, I deserve a clean room, I deserve to look nice, I deserve to exercise.

So after having this lightbulb at about 2am I went to sleep (took a while after freaking out over what I posted) but eventually I went to sleep. I got up today and I had a shower, I did my measure up and photo and came back and made my bed. I just took a heap of old stuff to the salvos and once I finish these tasks off today I'm going to keep decluttering my room.

Ok now I've got that out- here is my long list of excuses (and solutions-I hope)



  • lazy
  • tired- blame anemia
  • not good enough
  • dont deserve it
  • busy
  • doing it for him and not for me
  • change is too hard and scary because I have to admit to things I am ashamed of or that are difficult to talk about
  • Ive been so good so I can have 1......... (and eat a huge portion)
  • scared of pump/weights because of bad experience with instructor
  • IBS/stomach/thyroid issues all playing up
  • too expensive
  • too hard to plan my life
External  (in control)
  • food being eaten/missing when I do a big shop
  • weather
  • going to gym (travelling there)
External  (no control)
  • PTSD flares including in no particular order flashbacks, night terrors, panic attacks, phobias, general anxiety and depressive episodes
  • Nan's health


I have to make the choice to change my thinking. I have signed up for this 3 times already, surely that must mean I do think more of myself than what I sometimes say. I know I think more highly of myself than what I put out there, because after all I've had to be my biggest fan. Yes that sometimes means stopping bad behaviours and in the context my 'biggest fan voice' hasn't sounded all that positive, yet it has been in my best interest to listen to it. I know this probably makes no sense but I understand what I mean. eg if I was thinking of going for a late night binge, if I did get all the way to maccas choosing a single cheeseburger over a large meal with icecream is a win for me. Those are the sorts of things I need to start recognising as achievements. I did get a lot better at this during round 2 so looking to continue and extend on this.

The other big thing I've started doing in regards to my self care is listening to a meditation podcast by each night just before I go to bed. I'm finding taking that time for me, no matter how late I do get to bed is really helping me sleep better and be calmer over all the changes and big things I'm doing. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to consider putting myself out there like this, and that is one big thing that is helping this. Having quiet time to reflect and understand and repeat the same positive messages to myself really is helping my focus.

Apart from those solutions the other big one I have for myself is to make a commitment and be firm on it. Yes I have several ongoing health issues which can affect my exercise and training but the more committed and dedicated I am to finding a routine, the more that routine will become a habit. For me once I have a habit of doing something I'm fine. Then it becomes a lot harder to break and blow off for nothing. In saying that though  another large part of my journey is learning to listen to my body. I've been so shut off from feelings, emotions, thoughts everything that for a long time I was quite sick without knowing about it, purely because I wasn't in tune with myself enough to listen to the messages I was sending myself. That has changed as well, so I need to be careful to listen to the I'm sick need a lower intensity/extra rest day rather than the I'm sore cos I've been training days.

In terms of the fear of doing pump/weights I have attacked this so far by buying Tight toned terrfic. I'm going to do this for the first little while and set a goal of getting back to regular classes/gym weights by the second month of the program (or earlier). A lot of this fear is to do with a bad experience I had at my first class, where the instructor was quite rude and made me feel worthless again because of the weights I was lifting as a beginner. But at there is one instructor at my new gym which I love for rpm and she also teaches pump, so I think the way to go would be do one of her pump classes regularly if I can fit it in.

External excuses, the big one I have is housemates stealing my food. The often do it when I have any cheese other than fetta in the fridge-and I know cheese isnt the best thing to have, but my salad veggies if they are bagged and not made up will disappear, my bread, eggs, baked beans everything will just go. I've now got a box in my room for my pantry items but cant keep fridge items anywhere else. Back in round 2 we made a rule where the middle fridge shelf was mine only and we got our own food. Except they seem to forget this, and when their friends come over they dont care for our rules. And I'm to chicken to stand up for myself in front of him, cos he is an arrogant a#$e who doesn't listen to anything I say. Because they are married now and its his mums house (was his uncles until he passed) its effectively their house and I"m just keeping the rent down, so his verdict rules. To the point where I cant put the washing machine on any higher than a certain spin level because it makes to much noise! At one stage he was accusing us of using too much toilet paper and blocking the toilet. But long story short I would like to move into my own place, I just cant afford it right now or I would be out like a shot. Meanwhile any ideas on how to stop food going walk about are much appreciated. I cant even leave froz vege or berries or meat in the freezer, particularly if its in boxes it just disappears =( makes it very hard to plan what I'm eating when I do plan it and come home to find half my ingredients missing.

PTSD is something I have no control over, in a sense. I'm learning I cant control the severity of the attacks, but I can kinda pre-empt them so I know roughly what to expect when it happens. One thing I can do is recognise it for what is happenng when it hits and ask for support when I need it. Thats where this blog comes in, and twitter and facebook. I feel like I've been asking for a lot from everyone lately, and that is difficult for me to do, I never used to admit to feeling bad or needing support, now I'm starting to actively seek it when I need it - I guess you could call it a form of self care.

So I reckon thats a pretty good wrap of my excuses. A lot of them I knew I did already, but the bigs things for me are to keep being honest, realising I dont need to hide from the past any longer, and keep asking for help, as well as loving myself enough to take care of me and my environment everyday.

Now to set some goals.



I dont care if no one reads this blog- its for me, my journey my freedom, my life and for me to get to a point where I'm happy I need to understand the past and whats been holding me back. I know this is whats been holding me back. I'm putting it out there so I know firmly in my mind where I'm going and whats happened. 

Heres Part 2

Just after the harrassment issue it was between 2-4 wks. i was outside on the decking of our house, with a trusted family member, having a talk about everything and anything. My future, moving away for uni, work, life in general. He'd had a couple of beers, I'd had about 1/2 a cruiser-pineapple flavoured- weird i remember that? Anyway I stood to look up at the stars, leaning on the railing. He came up behind me and hugged me, that was fine, I leant in as the breeze picked up. He started rubbing my stomach, at the same time he said something like 'i shouldn't do this', i was like what are you talking about.  Then he grabbed me and started pinching whilst making horrible comments to me.

After that you'd have thought I'd be smart and think to go inside to bed. But no I didnt-stupid girl!!! I stayed out there and at the time I knew I couldnt leave wtihout making him angry, so i stayed. it was such a beautiful night, i wanted to savour it knowing i was leaving for the city shortly and would be away from everyone didn;t help the decision to stay outside.  we were laying there and he started hugging me again, stroking me, pulling at my stomach again. he had one arm around my neck/head almost suffocating me and the other around my waist. then he started rubbing and pinching my chest again, it was so painful, and his breathing suddenly went really weird.  he hurt me so bad, the wind was freezing by this stage so it hurt even more. i kept trying to roll away but i couldn’t he would grab me tighter at one stage he pulled me by my hair as he bit my ear. then he was taking my clothes off. i tried to pretend i was asleep so it would be over, but he didnt' care. he was rubbing himself all over me, i could feel it poking me, he went lower and lower. i dont know what stopped him, i think someone inside the house made a noise. i know he did things on my back i remember that feeling, i was scum, dirt, no good for anything except to be wiped on. he kept breathing on me, all over my face, neck, ear, i still cant handle wind or breathe on my ears.

After i somehow ended up lying about not being able to sleep and getting back inside to my bed. it was over an hour all up. i went to my room, which was right next to theirs so i couldnt cry or someone would know it had happened and that wasnt even a thought, it was our secret, if not he would kill me, his brother had killed which in my head meant he knew how to as well. that night when i went back into my room i felt strange. Beyond the upset and confusion of what had happened there were new feelings there, it was weird. Like something inside me had been flicked. that freaked me out, i had a response to what happened, i couldnt' control it but it had happened, which made it even more my fault that it already was. before this happened i was really close to him he was the one i went to for anything.

Besides the fact my mum constantly degraded me, and slapped my face in public at 17, and refused to say anything nice to me at all me and her have never got on. she sees me as the one who cooked the meals at 8 years old so she could change my sister, i was the one who sat up with my sisters when they cried at night while dad was away because she couldnt' deal with it, i took the bruises and cuts meant for them when they were still toddlers cos she couldn't cope. I got cut by the window that broke when she tripped over the tennis racet. I was the one who smiled to the outside world before hiding the secrets. I won the class cooking competition in year 6 because I had been cooking dinner for the family for over a year. I was the one who did the laundry and washing even when my friends were over. I was the one who ended up with stitches cos she dropped me as we were walking over a rock at the national park. i was the one who was refused crutches when i hurt my ankle, because i wasnt tough enough to deal with out them-docs told me it would be quicker to heal if id broken it-she then wrenched my foot around and held it down until i said sorry for making a mess with the ice. i could go on forever. so yeah he was my saviour, i was his girl, the apple of his eye, he was proud of me i never did anything to upset him, i dont think i could have upset him if id tried. after this happened i avoided him like the plague for about a wk, then he came up and apologised, said he'd done the wrong thing. how disappointed he was in himself etc. i thought it might be ok, every part of me wishing it was hoping it was true that it was just a bad dream.  then on the way back up to the house again he grabbed me again, this time he squeezed quite hard, it was only brief but it hurt. i ran away pretending it was a game- of course it wasnt. this was not one minute after he'd apologised for it all. i was devastated i tried to give up my good family dreams then and there but dreams die so hard.

about 3 wks later we had relatives come to stay for my nans birthday. they had a caravan in our backyard, we were in the shed about 5m from the caravan just talking when he came up and pushed me into a corner, he grabbed me again. i didnt know what to do, i squealed he took it as a joke again, let me go and i ran away.

That was 06, its now 2010 and its been a few years. Since then i moved to uni, started one course, swapped courses, lived in a house with a guy, was assaulted and harrased by his friend at 2am. spent 2.5 years on antidepressants had upwards of 10 near suicide attempts, was unable to cry for 3.5 years, told no family members, told no one for the first 9months, broke down in a tutorial one morning and found myself at the counsellors office. the first person i told was a guy, my boss he arranged time off and turned into my surrogate father figure i literally owe him my life.

I ate and ate and ate, in the process gained 35 kgs within the first 12 months. I hated my body, I still do. family put weight gain down to stress of uni, change of routine etc. i didnt see him for 5 months after that happened, he acted as nothing happened, so did i, its easier hide the shame and guilt from the eyes of everyone. its our secret. eventually i told a few more people, realised it really happened and does really affect me now. then i got worried something was happeing to the girls so i told my aunt, was difficult, not sure how people react to it, is what scares me that is confronting. i can deal with how i react in relation to it to hide it well. once its out that gets scary and unpredictable- i'll prob be funny first time i see u guys after knowing u read this its nothing u guys have done its all my stupid head screaming for caution/protection. i had 2 change counsellors 3 times in 2 months cos of changing services and then my first one went on holiday and never came back =$ which made it difficult, the bond needed to tell this stuff is incredibly hard to do and takes a lot of energy, not just in the telling but in the analysing after, the deciding which parts are safe to test the relationship on, how to word it without flaring a full on flashback or panic attack etc.and its the worrying after that the person will judge me they'll hate me they think im different or weird, should i have told that etc etc

after i told my aunt she confronted him about it, he rang me feeling guilty and kept telling me he ruined my life etc, not helpful considering he had no idea how much he had hurt me in combination with the other stuff i was beginning to believe i had a brand across me saying victim or vulnerable or something.he was angry at me then for telling, very angry im glad i wasnt at home cos it would have got very unsafe. i went home a few times in the next couple of years. every time he saw me he made no mention of what happened except for one time when he asked if we 'were good?' i had no idea how to reply- hello im in his environment, not safe what else am i going to say gotta keep him happy so he more predictable. he hadnt tried anything else, except for the ongoing longer than neccessary squeeze to tight and feel me up whilst doing it hug. but im used to that now its normal. it doesnt hurt like it used to.

so nothing major until last wk

he was over for the show stuff, stayed at nans place. him, another friend who stayed and pa had organised to go into a strip club. was dads idea, and he flaunted it, everywhere he went he told people, and it was always in front of me. he wanted me to drop them off which i did on my way home to pack for sydney trip. that was the last i saw of them, i went to sydney and after a week of facing him the old messages were back, i wasnt worth it, i didnt deserve it, i looked terrible, nothing was good enough, no one cared (couldnt have been further wrong there), i was different, everything hurt, it would happen again and it would be deserved cos i shouldnt have been there without permission from him etc) lead to breakdown-as u all witnessed. that was cos my abs were crap, i was pissed off, scared, unsure what to expect, tired, worthless etc. ended up feeling pretty okay with the whole weekend.

I came home the next night to a message that (censored) said, thanks so much for dropping us off at the club the other night, we had such an awesome time, the girls were great. Im so sad you couldnt stay with us, it would have been so much more fun with you there, because your looking so great right now even if your still chubby- dont forget my bet i want you! that one hit hard, no matter what he said he hadnt changed, he isnt changing, i still love him, but seriously i was shocked and scared. im not seeing him until xmas and now this is where it becomes a head vs heart decision on my weight. I know i want to get to healthy range and i shouldnt listen to him anymore, he cant control me but at the same point i still find i slip back into the little girl role far to easily when im around him.

Finally cried in front of counsellor about this all and explained a fair bit of my feelings from the week of such a low high low rollercoaster, she put stuff back into perspective a bit and suggested i write this to help me see whats going on and its not my fault as much as i want to say it is cos its easier to take the shame and blame game on myself.

Last night i realised he tried to get me again while he was over last wk. i'd blocked it at the time cos was too hard, in public at the show, he did the hug feel touch thing again and at home in front of my grandma. i got bruises from it as well- i don’t remember it hurting at the time.

I know its not always this bad, and i understand its a journey and not a smooth one, the past week has been a massive struggle so im hoping it can get easier from here now im through the worst of it. 

Well Mish you wanted honest, there you go. I cant give you any more than that. The posts tonight are why I gained weight and why I struggle with my head when my weight goes much lower than where it is now. Tomorrows tasks are excuses and goals. But first I need sleep- that is hoping I can sleep after putting this out there. I know you guys care (thats if anyone reads this =P) or I wouldn't have been able to do this.

I want a change, I'm sick of living in these shadows, its time I came forward and reclaimed my life, they've taken enough of my happiness, my spirit and my energy. I deserve time for me, I want time for me, I'm determined to give myself that chance.

Much love
Mel =)

PS- thank u for reading this far, I said the other day if you read all of this then you deserve a few medals because it meant that you've probably seen me at my worst and also now read the worst of my life. Thank you for being here. <3