My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

............ Breakdown.............

bare with me here, this wont make much sense given I'm still crying. Only way to stop driving to takeaway right now......

I just tried to do the fitness test. Complete fail. Last round did time trial in 5:40 at the end, and 04:59 in Sydney at party, today it took right on 6:00 mins. Head now telling me I'm a failure that this proves I'm not worth it, could barely walk back to the house, made it in my door and burst into tears. Theres no point if I cant even run 1km (btw I talked myself into stopping tonight and walking part of it because it was uncomfortable). 

I'm so F&)^(*%^* pissed at myself right now. I can run 1km I've run 10 of the damned things. I've even ran and walked the City2Surf. I've just lost the running bug at the moment. I know running is a mental game and I know all the tricks to change my mind, but right now It seems nothing is freaking working. The frustrating thing is I should be able to do this. I've committed to doing it properly all of it and that includes the fitness tests and challenges and everything else. Yet I still act so stupidly. 

So that was the run, next is pushups and after that run etc I had to push myself to do it. And well that ended any half good thoughts I had. last round got to 50 today 34......... again #fail says the head. Wall sit I haven't even attempted cos I know it wont be good and abs we wont speak about. 

All in all feeling rather like a unworthy, broken down horrible failure of a person. However in hindsight and now i've calmed down a little. I'm going to go and spend a night in front of the tv, without eating crap, then try the test again on Friday when I havent been up all day and already done a morning class. 

I'm not going to enter the results in yet, because I want to see if i can do better if I'm just having an off day, which is quite possible given TTOM etc (which is why I'm so emotional over a stupid fitness test).

Ok now i've got that out of my system i'm going to go have dinner and have a chill out night before RPM and toning dvd in the morning. 



  1. Aw Mel *hugs*. The only silver lining I can offer you is that when you do the next time trial, your head will be in a better place, you will be lighter, fitter and you will take so much time off this one that you will be running all the way back to the computer to tell us all. *hugs*

  2. Thanks Margaret today went a lot better, I knew it was just a bad day, but also couldn't do anything about what head was telling me so had to let it go lol.