My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The magic question....


This is something I ask myself all the time. Why has this happened? Why arent I doing such and such a thing? Why am I saying I cant do this?

You should probably know now I make no apologies for what I write on here, what I write is stuff I need to get out of me, out of my head and out in the open so I can move forward.

Yesterday I sat down and asked all of these questions, plus more. I had a good long talk to myself about why I should do round 3, why I was worth it, what I needed to change, what I was doing well, how it would be different, how I could make the change stick.

Well as I sat in the car, listening to music and staring at my blank notebook a few things hit me. Firstly I had to understand where I have come from before I can understand how to move forward.

For me that means understanding Saturdays breakdown. If you missed it (dont think anyone did but anyway) think of giant group training session just finished couple girls wander off into the background, shortly there after one has completely lose the plot in tears=me. That was quite a big moment for me. I'd come from quite a low from the week before, where very difficult issues around my weight, food and safety were brought up, to the immense high of going to Sydney for the party. But I was scared, I was out of my comfort zone, unsure of how well I could train because of illness and downright freaking myself out.

I got through the training session and then it all hit me, one huge big bomb of emotion and that was it, I was gone. No point trying to make sense of me for a good while-thank you to those who tried <3. Now you may be asking why am I writing this if this blog is about round 3. Well for me, this is all interconnected. My weight doesn't move until my head is right, my head isnt right because I'm hanging onto old issues. The old issues aren't getting better because I'm not letting myself feel them and deal with them and so the loop continues.

So this leaves me with the magic question of why do round 3?
The thoughts I came up with were in no particular order.

  • I would feel like I was leaving 1/2 finished, in particular after the breakdown on Sat and not yet being at a healthy weight.
  • To reach a goal of 52kgs by xmas
  • Focus on strength training sessions (and overcome my fears along the way)
  • Improve my ab strength once and for all (this was a major factor in the said breakdown)
  • To be my best
  • Stay in touch with the best group of understanding, caring friends I've ever found
  • I need accountability.
There are other reasons but these are the main ones.

This leads me to my next self guided question.... How is round 3 going to be different?

  • I will be consistent, walk my talk, not just say I will but actually do it
  • I will take firm control of my emotional eating
  • I have a much stronger understanding of the emotions behind it than I ever did
  • I have so much better support now I've opened up and let others in-and I'm forever grateful for that
  • I dont have to hide behind anything anymore, the point of this blog is to be honest about the issues, the weight, the struggle, the pain, everything, to give me space to learn what being me feels like
  • I want to be healthy-before my reasons were very different
  • Im changing my behaviours, attitudes and habits- I know I've come a long way, yet there is still room for improvement, which is why I'm doing this differently, this time is my life, no one else's mine. 
And the next question is

How will I stay accountable?
  • this BLOG!!! which is why I'm working so hard on making it an honest easy space for me to record whatever I'm feeling, and I mean anything and everything, so sorry if I offend, I'm not meaning to, its just sometimes inside my head aint very pretty.
  • Twitter
  • Facebook- in particular chat to a few certain people- luv u ladies xxx
  • Photos- im in the process of putting together a scrap book of all my 12wbt memories, and will refer to it a lot for prompting.
  • If you have any other ideas on how to keep me accountable please let me know.
  • btw if I seem to be waning in my enthusiasm or appear to need a butt kicking please administer cos theres every chance its much needed =P
Ok I reckon thats about all my thinking on the whys at the moment. The next post will be explaining how I got to be in this position and why I need to let go once and for all. Its my reasons for weight gain, why I've struggled to get the weight off, the common issues I'm facing still daily and how I'm learning to value my life enough to push past it, no matter how difficult it is.

Until then
take care

Love Mel =)

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