My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The wheels on the bus..

Ok so this isnt' actually about the wheels on the bus, but I did write it on the way home today so excuse the bad grammar, random rambling thoughts and anything else that doesn't make sense.

Every cell is screaming,
For more pain,
Real pain.
Something to escape to,
A way to hide,
A way to feel
not just crap emotions
something more visible
so others start to understand
so people notice
so your not as invisible

Yet someone else says no
sit back and take a breath
it hurts so bad
just want to explode
yet nothing comes out
except more tears (yes I did cry on the bus today)
seems to be too much stuff
locked away.

They say be gentle,
take it easy,
they dont say how to do it,
how it will feel,
Sitting with feelings in your body,
They dont mention the constant noise from inside,
wanting to hurt and be hurt.
Seems like its never going to get better,
Every good day is followed by 6 bad ones.

People dont understand
they dont know
how could they

To they you look tired,
but you should be fine
to be part of the group,
to have ideas and be able to concentrate

Feel like I"ve lost myself
I know I've changed from that girl
I'm not innocent anymore
Too much pain, shame and guilt
for that
I was naive, I thought they all cared
I thought that was his job
to protect me
Instead he did the opposite
he took my very heart
he did it more than once
it hurt then
it still hurts now
even more
I remember now
I'm trying to live now.

I'm sick of it
I dont want to do it anymore
Its not supposed to be like this

All the stories say these are the best years
Not the worst
Tehy supposed ot be fun and friendly
Not pain ridden and alone
Supposed to be partying
Not spending days with counsellors
I'm supposed to be learning my degree,
Not learning how to stay alive
I'm supposed to be ok says the outside world
Not hiding away from everything.

I often wonder what it would be like
if the pain was on the outside
how bad it would be?
How many random stares I would get then?
How people would react?

Then I wonder why?
Why me?
Why does it hurt so much?
Is it ever going to go away?
Why haven't I wished it away?
Why bother?

Because I have to
Beacause they cant win
Because I love my sisters and my friends,
Because somewhere deep down I have to believe I'm worth more,
Because I can fight
I am fighting
Because its not right.....

Will probably post a lot more tonight, I'm trying everything to get it out of my head and to calm down as much as possible before tomorrow. Part of me is worried I'm on verge of massive crying breakdown which will be insanely scary if it occurs in her office. I know it sounds weird, she's probably the one person who can help me the most yet Im too scared to scare her off by showing the whole range of my emotions there. There I said it. I'm worried she'll run off and then I will have no one. Sigh I freaked out a few weeks ago when I started tearing up in her office, goodness knows what will happen the day I actually cry in front of her. Maybe thats what needs to happen tomorrow. Maybe I have no idea or control over how I feel so I should stop worrying about it and think of something different for once. Maybe I also know that is slightly impossible right now.

Hmm ok I've confused you enough and have well and truly confused myself. Tonight I'm attempting to run 8kms. I have a pact with Jess that I will run 8 (or attempt to and if I have to walk thats ok). Will let you know how I go.


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