My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Filling in the gaps...

so this is the stuff I didn't mention in the other post. The stuff I hide from, dont tell myself the full story, the stuff that makes me cringe and want to hide away.

Often when I get in a down patch (like how I am now) I hide it from everyone, including myself. Because sitting and feeling the emotion is scary, it means facing it and again that shows its real. For a long time I went through a patch where no joke I believed I was fine and nothing had happened, because I wasn't feeling anything. Literally I didn't think anything had happend, I wanted to believe nothing had happened so badly I shut out every single response and feeling in my body. when my grandfather passed away a few months later I couldn't even cry at his funeral. I never did, that wasn't safe and showing any form of weakness wasn't allowed. These are my weaknesses at the moment...

1. My eating is way out of control-not so much what I'm eating but how I'm eating, the issue is I'm not. Going for ages without food. Why- because I'm not good enough for food, I dont deserve food, because he really didnt care about me, because thinking of it makes me feel sick and then I dont want to eat. It gets difficult to force feed yourself after a while. And once I start eating I jump from one extreme to the other enter the binge run.... (although these have been much less than what they once were and I'd hate to say it but sometimes still within 1200, if only because I havent' eaten all day). umm yeah enough said.

2. Self Care this is always one of the first things to suffer when im going through a rough patch. I mean why do you need to bother when the messages your receiving about yourself basically all scream how repulsive and disgusting you are. its also the hardest thing to stay calm with when going through a tough time, too easily a shower or getting dressed can trigger another thought, even the touch of some fabrics and certain items of clothing are off limits during this time.

3. Scratchies, Not the biggest of my problems but one I am mindful of. First started when I was seeing 1st counsellor about this back when it all came out. Not something I do regularly, in fact I try not to do it at all, because i know how much of a cycle I can get in. I haven't touched any this week, which is a win, but the temptation is always there and being on a limited budget makes it very much worse.

4. Sleep, ok so I mentioned it in the previous post, but I still glossed over it. Sleep is where it is for me. I can survive on a day or 2 interrupted, but anything longer than that becomes downright hard, dangerous and leads  me to a bad place altogether. And once that cycle starts its hard to break, because then I reach the point (where I am now) of being completely and uterly scared of falling asleep (because 1. its dark and someting might happen at night without me being awake to deal with it, 2. everytime I shut my eyes all I can see/hear/feel is everything all over again, 3. i dont deserve sleep). Even with trying my meditation things and calming music etc I have always struggled to get my sleeping right once its headed west.

5. There is number 5 but only 1 person other than me knows what that is. I cant tell that yet, but suffice to say its also gone wild lately and also compounds the 'your disgusting, no good for anything, horrible, hate ur body" messages.

6. Mentally- Few things going on here, the obvious one was my need to not go anywhere on Friday without my phone and not so I could be contactable, but so I could contact people and crisislines, I was literally scaring myself s@$%^#^& with the way I was thinking on Friday. I'm worried about seeing Nona this week, how I'm going to tell her everything and how hard that conversation is going to be, but perhaps even worse I'm worried about seeing my doctor. Its only for a routine blood work check on my iron levels to see if my anemia has improved since I started supplementation, but I dont want to see him while I'm in this state for fear of being labeled a head case again or put back on antidepressants. I dont need them, I dont want them. I did a good enough job of shutting everything out on my own, without the help of any medications to 'dull me down'. When your on them it it feels ok, everything is ok, but nothing is ever 'great'. Being able to feel emotions with intensity is something I fought to be able to do, I'm not taking anything that will drop me back to that again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I know this is just a phase, a very painful, unhappy phase. But I know I've just got to ride with it and protect myself from myself as much as possible during this time. Hopefully by Thursday I will be feeling better over everything. Until then I've got to be gentle with myself no matter how danged hard it is to do. At this stage I'm back into survival mode doing the basics for right now and just surviving to get to Thursday then will reassess.


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