My Moment, My Thoughts, My Journey, My Life

Round 3 12WBT

Honesty, accountability, openness and clarity.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Day 18-R U Ok Day?

Today is Australian R U OK day? The day were you ask a  mate if they are ok, the idea being that a simple conversation can open the door to helping someone through stuff that you wouldn't normally know about them.

So that leads to the obvious question of do I challenge the truth and keep putting on the 'brave face' or answer truthfully (considering this conversation is twitter dominant at the moment its hard to be honest in 140 characters-I'm thinking that sounds like an excuse). Anyway the question how are you or RUOK? always brings up this kinda thoughts in my head, a lot of the time I dont answer properly or tone down my answers because I'm worried that my friends will think I'm just some sort of whinge/whinning freak, then I'm also scared that if they really knew they'd run away, and then I'm worried about how much of a burden i'm being on them and how draining listening to me must get sometimes. (Now I should add I am getting better at recognising and dealing with the bad days and before you all jump down my throat for not being honest and things I haven't been feeling all that terrible lately, only for small spots here and there where I can pick myself up).

Today is different, a few things happened last night, which made for a very bad night. My worst for a long long time. Long story short i had a phone call from home just before I went to bed, and that ended my going straight to sleep. Basically sent me into a bit of a spiral and all the negative thoughts came up. I fought it for a while, then I couldn't. Too hard. No one was home either which was worse, because I was alone, I didn't feel like reaching out. No one needed my crap then. So my solution was to settle down in front of the tv and see how I go to fall asleep there. That worked until about 2am then I realised I really should go to my bed because otherwise I'd wake up when housemates got home from uni (late night assignment study). I'd literally got into bed and then they rocked up. Which was fine. Then as they walked in the door I realised they had someone else with them, they brought back a friend at 2am!! I went out to find out what was going on and it turns out they brought home a complete random stranger, apparently he had been sleeping at uni for the past few nights, so Sam volunteered our house to have a shower and sleep on a bed. Now I dont have a problem with that on principle, but I do have an issue with it happening at 2am and the fact he didn't ask me either. The funnier thing was that if I'd fallen asleep in the lounge that would of been where he slept, so it was good that I moved. Now for the actual nights sleep, it didn't really happen. I'd just laid down again and then there was a knock on my door. Housemate wanted me to help on the computer quickly. Before long it was 3am and I was finally back in bed and the house was quiet cos everyone else was in bed. Perfect time for flashbacks to come in. I dont know what time I feel asleep but it wasn't fun. And then the dreams started and I woke myself up screaming from something about 5 times during the night.

So then I slept in, woke up feeling like crap today (no surprises there) and now I'm frustrated, I need to eat, I need to go do some exercise, uni has smacked me around this week and I haven't trained properly since Sunday. More annoyed that I have now wasted the entire day when I was supposed to get a heap of uni stuff done and I cant even be bothered to get out of bed. And now I dont even want to post this so I'm going to do what I normally do and hit post and then get out of bed and have a shower and then make myself sit down and eat.

I will leave you with this..... R U Ok? (answer honestly- you never know what you'll find out about yourself)

M xx


  1. Hey Mel, Hang in there babe. I think the more honest you are with how you really are feeling can only help. Even if it is only in a blog. I will read every word you type and not judge you. You would be suprised by how many will listen to you and not judge. It's not whinging so you go for it.

  2. Thanks Linda, I am actually making huge progress with all this (even though it doesn't sound like it) and the fear of people judging/hating me is just one of the many ongoing things I keep having to push through and some days are better than others (obviously =P). I'm feeling a little better tonight, so will just keep plugging away at it.

    Thanks for the support