Well today's had it all, you name it and I've probably done it today. Very very tough day to get through. Why you ask, I've worked out I'm sleep deprived and my current sleeping pattern is completely gone and because today I was finally tired enough to give up fighting off the thoughts that have been threatening all week. Yes thats right I was blocking things out again. This time was deliberate to get me through the first week at uni, and I almost got the whole way through.
Biggest scare of the day was that the thoughts are back, for however long they hang around for, there back. I'm not comfortable with that at all, in fact that scares me more than the flashbacks do, I can handle flashbacks (well I know what to expect with them, until the body memories start then things get ugly) but thoughts are much harder to understand and prepare for. Today was one of those days were you would of only had to look at me and I would automatically assume it was because you could see straight through me into what I was thinking. (Add to this tripping on the escalator and stacking it in the busiest food court in Adelaide during lunchtime of the last day of school holidays).
so yeah hiding for hours in the toilets at uni, not putting track pants on whilst freezing in shorts because im scared of the feel of the fabric and dont deserve to be warm, wanting to rush off and get home to do 'things', literally having to force feed myself, completely drained, realising i can fight it anymore, flashbacks and panic on the bus and walking from the stop to my house, got inside and house was empty-good for privacy bad for my then depressive state. laid down for while tried to relax, didnt work, if anything made it worse
hmm and then i got a few messages cos I'd kinda been switching between ignoring people and then messaging heaps when I was freaking out. And the tears came and went and came and went and came and went about 10 times over, seemed I couldn't get anything together for a while, didnt know what I wanted to do.
A bit later on it all hit again, and it was just crap. Was on facebook chat at the time, well as much as I could in between tears and meltdown. and yeah that was the story of Friday. End result I called up sick for work experience Saturday (I just couldn't face it) and struggled to get anywhere near calm enough to sleep.
Saturday was softball day
I was feeling slightly brighter when I woke Sat morning (mainly cos i didnt have the extra commitment of work experience to stress me out).
Softball turned out ok after the disaster of training Tuesday. I plate umpired my first game in a year and did an ok job, a few parents weren't happy with my calls and I know I made a mistake but I'm learning so they have to get over it (and its kids sport for goodness sake).
Playing my game ended up quite good, I was initally told I would be on the bench to start with (cos of the stupid extra players playing down thing) but one of the other girls who had also been umpiring was running quite late so I was rushed into the starting side. The first 1/2 was fairly hopeless, I mucked up an easy throw, and batted like crap getting a stupid tiny hit as a put out and a K2 that I shouldnt have swung at. Just before my last bat they asked the other girl if she wanted to come on because we were running out of time in the game. She didnt' want to because the game was close (we were tied). Which meant I had to bat again, now I should add batting isn't one of my strongest areas, I'm definiely a better fielder, but I also know some of this was mental. Just before I went up I said something about 'oh that means I have to bat again' our captain turned to me and said just have confidence you can do it, and i replied 'obviously I dont' and then I went up to bat. And then I went bang (no I didn't explode) I hit the ball, and it flew, and flew and flew. Then I stood stunned for a minute then realised I had to run, so I did. All the way to 3rd. We scored two runs of my hit and I was batted in by the next batter, that won us the game (we went on to score another 3 runs but anyway). I hit a 3 bagger. I've only ever hit 2 3 baggers and 1 home run in my entire career (even in juniors where I was in state teams) better still was reaching 3rd after a 'longish' sprint and realising I wasn't completely panting and dying, and my running speed has definitely increased. My coach was slightly stunned and then turned and said 'see thats all the weight you've lost'.
So we went back into the field with about 2 mins left to get them out. Double play, hit back to pitcher, pitcher reflex catch, runner on 3rd took off, and I got in the way of her and the base (with the ball and my legs), she attempted to slide, I blocked her (and have cleat marks on my leg to prove it), got the out. 2 down 1 minute to play. Pop fly up third base line, ran through the next runner and the base coach to get it, caught it, game over. We won. I salvaged a great 2nd 1/2 from a crappy start and an even worse week. Then went to umpire other game. That one was boring as anything. I struggled to stop the thoughts then, because it was boring and i was now concentrating on every ball again for the 6th hour that day, I was tired, add to that I ate very little during the day (like breakfast and a museli bar) I was going backwards fast.
Came home showered, ate, and went to bed. Except sleep didnt come. at 3am I moved from my room into the lounge to watch tv (and have background noise). I'd tried everything meditation podcasts, music, reading books, hot drink, bath, nothing was working. Every time I closed my eyes I saw it and felt it and i just couldn't do that. Eventually I fell asleep at about 5am and got a whole 1.5 hrs before I was woken by the dogs going outside as Sam left for work. I dozed for a while and i think got up around 9:30am. Needless to say today has been quite a struggle and getting worse the longer I stay awake.
Pretty much this week has been a write off, in terms of progress. Its hurt what I've realised this week and even worse its scaring me that its back to this again. I thought I was past all this, I thought it was getting better. In my heart I know when I see Nona this week she's going to explain the journey is never a straight line and that it peaks and troughs along and some days/weeks/months are just hard. And thats what its been a struggle. The pain I've realised this week is as bad, if not worse than then, because now I've had time to think, I know what it is, I have to call it what it is, and its changing the whole language in my head. Makes it worse, so much so worse, before I could 'minimise' it as something else, as not that bad, but now, I can't. Nothing will ever take that away. I know I'm never going to forget, im just waiting for the day when it gets easier again. Its an understatement to say its hard to eat well and exercise while all this is so out of control. Hard doesn't even come close to it. I will admit to a few bad things this week, including food, sleep, thoughts and other unmentionable things. Every single moment has been a struggle the past few days, harder than it has been for a long time.
I'm not entirely sure this week will be any better, except I am promising myself I have to spend at least 1 hr a day on me (as in exercise time as well as relaxation). I see Nona on Thursday and am preparing myself for a Wednesday freak out over the session, especially now I have a lot of new stuff to tell, I dont know if i can and I wont know that until I'm in that session. Until then I'm trying to breathe lots, stay as calm as possible, control what i can (in reason) and hold it together in public places.