Today was the day for everything it seems.
I'll start from the start. Counselling was incredibly difficult to start with today, I knew it would be. It did occur to me to just not go but no I said I was going to go, I had to go, if I didn't the next session would be 20 times worse. I arrived and went in after sending a few frantic messages. Straight away she said she'd got my email which made me slightly more anxious but at the same time it meant I didn't have to worry about having to give her the print out. I did laugh at her first question, "how hard was it to make yourself come here?" She knows me much to well I think. Anyway she said all the right things, I said as much as I could (wasn't a lot) but it was enough. Pretty much all I needed was her to say I was doing the right things, I was confident I had done the best I could but always needed the reassurance and some other outside ideas.
I'm not going into other things that were said, except to say it was hard to look at it from the angles that we did, but I know i needed to re look at it from what I actually did, not what I've been telling myself I did. Need to remember that lesson even though its hard.
Anyway moving on from there I left feeling a whole lot better and lighter than I have in a good while. Came home and feel asleep (normal after counselling requirement for me), slept for a hour or so and woke up feeling so much better than I have for the past couple of weeks.
I'd just woken up when I got a phone call from a job that I applied for just before the Sydney trip, she wanted to interview me tomorrow before she goes on holidays again. So I've had to move some of my schedule around a little but I've got an interview which is the first step. Will let you know how I go.
Afterward I finally was feeling ok enough to give the much procrastinated longish run. Happy to report feeling better lead to a much better run. I did a 4 km loop and although I had to stop twice to stretch my tight calfs and tie a shoelace I still managed to smash my old PB for the distance. Old one was roughly 31 mins, today I did it in 26:17!! I stopped to walk for a bit, then kept going on a shorter loop. Total distance was around 7k in about 45mins. Felt sick by the end because I'd drank some water a bit to close to leaving home but all in all I'm pretty impressed.
Tonight I even managed to get a little homework done before getting distracted by the Comm Games netball final (what a game).
Very glad to say things are looking a lot better today than they have for a good while.
I'm sorry for the content of some of my previous posts, but it was stuff I had to get out and I've said all along this blog is me and my journey. One day soon I'll fill you in. Huge thank you to everyone for putting up with me lately I know I haven't been the easiest person to try and live/chat/talk to and I do sincerely appreciate all your efforts and hugs and well wishes it makes a huge difference knowing I'm not alone.
<3
Mel
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The wheels on the bus..
Ok so this isnt' actually about the wheels on the bus, but I did write it on the way home today so excuse the bad grammar, random rambling thoughts and anything else that doesn't make sense.
Every cell is screaming,
For more pain,
Real pain.
Something to escape to,
A way to hide,
A way to feel
not just crap emotions
something more visible
so others start to understand
so people notice
so your not as invisible
Yet someone else says no
sit back and take a breath
it hurts so bad
just want to explode
yet nothing comes out
except more tears (yes I did cry on the bus today)
seems to be too much stuff
locked away.
They say be gentle,
take it easy,
they dont say how to do it,
how it will feel,
Sitting with feelings in your body,
They dont mention the constant noise from inside,
wanting to hurt and be hurt.
Seems like its never going to get better,
Every good day is followed by 6 bad ones.
People dont understand
they dont know
how could they
To they you look tired,
but you should be fine
to be part of the group,
to have ideas and be able to concentrate
Feel like I"ve lost myself
I know I've changed from that girl
I'm not innocent anymore
Too much pain, shame and guilt
for that
I was naive, I thought they all cared
I thought that was his job
to protect me
Instead he did the opposite
he took my very heart
he did it more than once
it hurt then
it still hurts now
even more
I remember now
I'm trying to live now.
I'm sick of it
I dont want to do it anymore
Its not supposed to be like this
All the stories say these are the best years
Not the worst
Tehy supposed ot be fun and friendly
Not pain ridden and alone
Supposed to be partying
Not spending days with counsellors
I'm supposed to be learning my degree,
Not learning how to stay alive
I'm supposed to be ok says the outside world
Not hiding away from everything.
I often wonder what it would be like
if the pain was on the outside
how bad it would be?
How many random stares I would get then?
How people would react?
Then I wonder why?
Why me?
Why does it hurt so much?
Is it ever going to go away?
Why haven't I wished it away?
Why bother?
Because I have to
Beacause they cant win
Because I love my sisters and my friends,
Because somewhere deep down I have to believe I'm worth more,
Because I can fight
I am fighting
Because its not right.....
Will probably post a lot more tonight, I'm trying everything to get it out of my head and to calm down as much as possible before tomorrow. Part of me is worried I'm on verge of massive crying breakdown which will be insanely scary if it occurs in her office. I know it sounds weird, she's probably the one person who can help me the most yet Im too scared to scare her off by showing the whole range of my emotions there. There I said it. I'm worried she'll run off and then I will have no one. Sigh I freaked out a few weeks ago when I started tearing up in her office, goodness knows what will happen the day I actually cry in front of her. Maybe thats what needs to happen tomorrow. Maybe I have no idea or control over how I feel so I should stop worrying about it and think of something different for once. Maybe I also know that is slightly impossible right now.
Hmm ok I've confused you enough and have well and truly confused myself. Tonight I'm attempting to run 8kms. I have a pact with Jess that I will run 8 (or attempt to and if I have to walk thats ok). Will let you know how I go.
xx
Every cell is screaming,
For more pain,
Real pain.
Something to escape to,
A way to hide,
A way to feel
not just crap emotions
something more visible
so others start to understand
so people notice
so your not as invisible
Yet someone else says no
sit back and take a breath
it hurts so bad
just want to explode
yet nothing comes out
except more tears (yes I did cry on the bus today)
seems to be too much stuff
locked away.
They say be gentle,
take it easy,
they dont say how to do it,
how it will feel,
Sitting with feelings in your body,
They dont mention the constant noise from inside,
wanting to hurt and be hurt.
Seems like its never going to get better,
Every good day is followed by 6 bad ones.
People dont understand
they dont know
how could they
To they you look tired,
but you should be fine
to be part of the group,
to have ideas and be able to concentrate
Feel like I"ve lost myself
I know I've changed from that girl
I'm not innocent anymore
Too much pain, shame and guilt
for that
I was naive, I thought they all cared
I thought that was his job
to protect me
Instead he did the opposite
he took my very heart
he did it more than once
it hurt then
it still hurts now
even more
I remember now
I'm trying to live now.
I'm sick of it
I dont want to do it anymore
Its not supposed to be like this
All the stories say these are the best years
Not the worst
Tehy supposed ot be fun and friendly
Not pain ridden and alone
Supposed to be partying
Not spending days with counsellors
I'm supposed to be learning my degree,
Not learning how to stay alive
I'm supposed to be ok says the outside world
Not hiding away from everything.
I often wonder what it would be like
if the pain was on the outside
how bad it would be?
How many random stares I would get then?
How people would react?
Then I wonder why?
Why me?
Why does it hurt so much?
Is it ever going to go away?
Why haven't I wished it away?
Why bother?
Because I have to
Beacause they cant win
Because I love my sisters and my friends,
Because somewhere deep down I have to believe I'm worth more,
Because I can fight
I am fighting
Because its not right.....
Will probably post a lot more tonight, I'm trying everything to get it out of my head and to calm down as much as possible before tomorrow. Part of me is worried I'm on verge of massive crying breakdown which will be insanely scary if it occurs in her office. I know it sounds weird, she's probably the one person who can help me the most yet Im too scared to scare her off by showing the whole range of my emotions there. There I said it. I'm worried she'll run off and then I will have no one. Sigh I freaked out a few weeks ago when I started tearing up in her office, goodness knows what will happen the day I actually cry in front of her. Maybe thats what needs to happen tomorrow. Maybe I have no idea or control over how I feel so I should stop worrying about it and think of something different for once. Maybe I also know that is slightly impossible right now.
Hmm ok I've confused you enough and have well and truly confused myself. Tonight I'm attempting to run 8kms. I have a pact with Jess that I will run 8 (or attempt to and if I have to walk thats ok). Will let you know how I go.
xx
I want to drive...
Yep thats right. Right now my head is screaming at me to get up grab the keys and get out of the house. Where you ask? Anywhere. Away from here, preferably by the beach, somewhere where I can feel the wind and get cold and dull myself out. Why am I not doing this right now? Because its currently 1am, my car has very little fuel and I am in my pjs. And the other big reason is I dont trust myself driving much at the moment. I'm spacing out way to easily (especially late at night when I'm tired).
The other thing is I have a history of making bad choices where late sleepless nights and a few too many bad thoughts and driving have been involved and I'm trying everything possible to not go down that road again. Although its a struggle. I'm not feeling like that right now, at the moment I just need to hide from it, I need a break. The constant stream of thoughts, memories, feelings, its getting a bit too much. I'm flat tonight. I was flat at softball. I got angry when I got hit by the ball (wasn't my fault, wet grass and the ball was skidding like crazy), then I went and batted, got some aggression out. Then i got hit again and almost lost it. I had to go walk away and do a huge big circle before I burst into tears. Came super close to telling a couple of the softball girls the reasons behind it tonight. I dont know if I want to or not. In a way softball is the one area of my life where no one knows what the real truth is. Uni counsellor knows, you guys know, my close friends know, my old boss knows, work experience supervisor knows i've been hurt, doctor knows, Nona, every other group in my life has someone that knows. That if I do have a bad day I can be with someone who cares at least enough not to run away from me and leave me alone.
Today was a pretty good day, the planning I put in worked well, and really did help me manage myself better. Its the little things like not using excessive energy for worrying about uni or running late to comittments that has made the difference. I layed down for a nap quite early this morning and it was amazing to be able to lay down guilt free because I had no other commitments on for the rest of the day and I didnt have to worry if I didnt fall asleep straight away I gave myself the time to rest instead. Thats another thing I'm realising rest is as important as sleep for when i cant.
I went back to the beach today. The weather was a lot crappier than in my background picture (that was the first real thinking day I had at an Adelaide beach), but it was good to go back, see the water, hear the waves, I didnt quite get to feel the sand on my feet because it was freezing, but even feeling the wind in the hair etc. All helped. I was considering picking up a rock or 2 to bring back with me, but then decided to leave them. Reading tonight on a survivors site, I discovered a huge set of articles that are amazing. One of them was on grounding techniques. In case you have no idea what grounding is heres my stab at explaining it.
When a flashback is happening, or your panicking or you've been triggered, everything flies away out of your control, your back in the moment hearing, seeing, smelling, feeling, believing its all happening again. Grounding is a way of keeping yourself present, focused on the here and now. To stay calm and in control and in a way to advert things getting worse. Theres a heap of different techniques that may work for people (personal preference) basically they all require you to connect with your body and the environment your in.
The ones i find most useful are
The other thing is I have a history of making bad choices where late sleepless nights and a few too many bad thoughts and driving have been involved and I'm trying everything possible to not go down that road again. Although its a struggle. I'm not feeling like that right now, at the moment I just need to hide from it, I need a break. The constant stream of thoughts, memories, feelings, its getting a bit too much. I'm flat tonight. I was flat at softball. I got angry when I got hit by the ball (wasn't my fault, wet grass and the ball was skidding like crazy), then I went and batted, got some aggression out. Then i got hit again and almost lost it. I had to go walk away and do a huge big circle before I burst into tears. Came super close to telling a couple of the softball girls the reasons behind it tonight. I dont know if I want to or not. In a way softball is the one area of my life where no one knows what the real truth is. Uni counsellor knows, you guys know, my close friends know, my old boss knows, work experience supervisor knows i've been hurt, doctor knows, Nona, every other group in my life has someone that knows. That if I do have a bad day I can be with someone who cares at least enough not to run away from me and leave me alone.
Today was a pretty good day, the planning I put in worked well, and really did help me manage myself better. Its the little things like not using excessive energy for worrying about uni or running late to comittments that has made the difference. I layed down for a nap quite early this morning and it was amazing to be able to lay down guilt free because I had no other commitments on for the rest of the day and I didnt have to worry if I didnt fall asleep straight away I gave myself the time to rest instead. Thats another thing I'm realising rest is as important as sleep for when i cant.
I went back to the beach today. The weather was a lot crappier than in my background picture (that was the first real thinking day I had at an Adelaide beach), but it was good to go back, see the water, hear the waves, I didnt quite get to feel the sand on my feet because it was freezing, but even feeling the wind in the hair etc. All helped. I was considering picking up a rock or 2 to bring back with me, but then decided to leave them. Reading tonight on a survivors site, I discovered a huge set of articles that are amazing. One of them was on grounding techniques. In case you have no idea what grounding is heres my stab at explaining it.
When a flashback is happening, or your panicking or you've been triggered, everything flies away out of your control, your back in the moment hearing, seeing, smelling, feeling, believing its all happening again. Grounding is a way of keeping yourself present, focused on the here and now. To stay calm and in control and in a way to advert things getting worse. Theres a heap of different techniques that may work for people (personal preference) basically they all require you to connect with your body and the environment your in.
The ones i find most useful are
- breathing and slow breath control using a mantra (eg inhale calm, exhale stress/panic/emotion/whatever)
- gradual body relaxation (feeling where tight/tense areas are and focusing on relaxing each individual muscle group- I cant do this when i'm worked up tho this one is better for getting me relaxed enough to sleep).
- visulisation (i go to the beach, hear the waves, feel the sun, the water, wind, noises etc)
- focusing on the way your body is attached to the earth (eg I'm sitting in a chair, I can feel the back rest and the arm rests, the chair has 4 legs made out of metal, my butt is glued to the seat, I can move but I'm still in the chair, the chair is next to the table, Sarah is sitting on the other chair across from me etc)
- tapping and fidgeting are also a really simple/portable way to stay kinda grounded. I use them ALOT I'm sure some people think I'm a nutcase constantly tapping on things (especially in lectures where I can feel trapped), but it works, just maintains that constant attachment of the brain to fingers/toes/limbs and uses enough nervous energy I dont have to automatically flee right then and there.
- another option Nona told me was to lie down and start doing deep breaths (breathing is the first thing that goes when panic/emotions set in) and to place one hand on my chest the other on my stomach and breath normally, feeling the relationship between the hands, as if my body is all working as one (mind included), again I have trouble with this in a hypervigilant state.
- Other things i"ve tried are softball drills (yep thats right I've been known to spend upwards of 4 hrs outside practicing my throwing, fielding or batting motions), again its the repetition that moves towards a form of active meditiation I guess.
Now that I've digressed, I want to go back to the beach and get a rock, the list I read tonight even mentioned a "rock from a favourite beach, one that holds good memories". its also more portable and means I can just touch it and know its there, kinda like carrying a get out of jail free card, if it helps i'm willing to give it a go.
So I've eventually worked out im not going for a drive, altho i did just go stand outside in the cold for a while, my room is really stuffy tonight, but sleeping with windows open is a huge no-no and my house has no heating/cooling in the bedrooms only in the main sunroom. Im thinking I might need to drag my pedestal fan out of hibernation over the next few days.
Ok now im totally exhausted, i need to try and sleep tomorrow/today (oops) is weigh in day. I know im going to gain, the question is how much? and how much is from high salt and TTOM and swelling at my assorted bruised areas from softball. Uni for couple hours then home to quiet night working out the plan of attack for session with Nona.
In the meantime if anyone finds the magic forget everything it never happened and you dont need to think/deal with it everyday pill please pass it on. I'm fast running out of energy, its funny how when things are good you dont ever question how bad they actually were and when there bad nothing ever seems like it will be good again....
nite
Monday, October 11, 2010
Baby steps
Right now i'm focused on the baby steps I need to do.
Todays included going to uni
posting ebay stuff
drinking water
eating 3 ish meals
walking home from uni because I was scared to get on the tram (instead of having a meltdown waiting, I had the meltdown walking- a marginal improvement).
getting to rpm and completing the class
showering after class ( i know i'm going basic here)
attempting some homework
I also wrote a long confession type email to my counsellor tonight. Explained everything and sent it off. Even if she doesnt' read it before Thursday I know its there and then I wont be as likely to pretend everythings fine when I get into her office. Obviously the face to face stuff is so much more intense in this situation and I really strugle to tell private things out loud. Writing words is much easier and less painful in that regard. Face to face is hard because you also have to worry about how people perceive you and the big one is you cant control or distance yourself from there reactions. Whilst i am getting much better and more open with this with her in paticular along with a few super trusted friends, its incredibly hard with the new stuff that comes up.
and I also want to put out a huge thanks to Ange who was lovely tonight and sent me a large list of docs I can use for assignment research saving me about 5 hours of database trawling to find them. So fingers crossed I will have some data to present to the group for the meeting tomorrow morning =)
Otherwise tomorrow is going to be all about me, relaxing, kicking back, getting everything clean and organised and doing what I want, including gym, walking on the beach, cross stitch and maybe catching a random bus or train. Plus then softball training that night.
hope your all well
(a slightly more positive) Mel
PS this song came on the radio tonight when I got in the car, I'd never heard this version from Mariah but it really spoke to me... hope you like it as well
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxkCOuQfPGU
xx
Todays included going to uni
posting ebay stuff
drinking water
eating 3 ish meals
walking home from uni because I was scared to get on the tram (instead of having a meltdown waiting, I had the meltdown walking- a marginal improvement).
getting to rpm and completing the class
showering after class ( i know i'm going basic here)
attempting some homework
I also wrote a long confession type email to my counsellor tonight. Explained everything and sent it off. Even if she doesnt' read it before Thursday I know its there and then I wont be as likely to pretend everythings fine when I get into her office. Obviously the face to face stuff is so much more intense in this situation and I really strugle to tell private things out loud. Writing words is much easier and less painful in that regard. Face to face is hard because you also have to worry about how people perceive you and the big one is you cant control or distance yourself from there reactions. Whilst i am getting much better and more open with this with her in paticular along with a few super trusted friends, its incredibly hard with the new stuff that comes up.
and I also want to put out a huge thanks to Ange who was lovely tonight and sent me a large list of docs I can use for assignment research saving me about 5 hours of database trawling to find them. So fingers crossed I will have some data to present to the group for the meeting tomorrow morning =)
Otherwise tomorrow is going to be all about me, relaxing, kicking back, getting everything clean and organised and doing what I want, including gym, walking on the beach, cross stitch and maybe catching a random bus or train. Plus then softball training that night.
hope your all well
(a slightly more positive) Mel
PS this song came on the radio tonight when I got in the car, I'd never heard this version from Mariah but it really spoke to me... hope you like it as well
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxkCOuQfPGU
xx
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Filling in the gaps...
so this is the stuff I didn't mention in the other post. The stuff I hide from, dont tell myself the full story, the stuff that makes me cringe and want to hide away.
Often when I get in a down patch (like how I am now) I hide it from everyone, including myself. Because sitting and feeling the emotion is scary, it means facing it and again that shows its real. For a long time I went through a patch where no joke I believed I was fine and nothing had happened, because I wasn't feeling anything. Literally I didn't think anything had happend, I wanted to believe nothing had happened so badly I shut out every single response and feeling in my body. when my grandfather passed away a few months later I couldn't even cry at his funeral. I never did, that wasn't safe and showing any form of weakness wasn't allowed. These are my weaknesses at the moment...
1. My eating is way out of control-not so much what I'm eating but how I'm eating, the issue is I'm not. Going for ages without food. Why- because I'm not good enough for food, I dont deserve food, because he really didnt care about me, because thinking of it makes me feel sick and then I dont want to eat. It gets difficult to force feed yourself after a while. And once I start eating I jump from one extreme to the other enter the binge run.... (although these have been much less than what they once were and I'd hate to say it but sometimes still within 1200, if only because I havent' eaten all day). umm yeah enough said.
2. Self Care this is always one of the first things to suffer when im going through a rough patch. I mean why do you need to bother when the messages your receiving about yourself basically all scream how repulsive and disgusting you are. its also the hardest thing to stay calm with when going through a tough time, too easily a shower or getting dressed can trigger another thought, even the touch of some fabrics and certain items of clothing are off limits during this time.
3. Scratchies, Not the biggest of my problems but one I am mindful of. First started when I was seeing 1st counsellor about this back when it all came out. Not something I do regularly, in fact I try not to do it at all, because i know how much of a cycle I can get in. I haven't touched any this week, which is a win, but the temptation is always there and being on a limited budget makes it very much worse.
4. Sleep, ok so I mentioned it in the previous post, but I still glossed over it. Sleep is where it is for me. I can survive on a day or 2 interrupted, but anything longer than that becomes downright hard, dangerous and leads me to a bad place altogether. And once that cycle starts its hard to break, because then I reach the point (where I am now) of being completely and uterly scared of falling asleep (because 1. its dark and someting might happen at night without me being awake to deal with it, 2. everytime I shut my eyes all I can see/hear/feel is everything all over again, 3. i dont deserve sleep). Even with trying my meditation things and calming music etc I have always struggled to get my sleeping right once its headed west.
5. There is number 5 but only 1 person other than me knows what that is. I cant tell that yet, but suffice to say its also gone wild lately and also compounds the 'your disgusting, no good for anything, horrible, hate ur body" messages.
6. Mentally- Few things going on here, the obvious one was my need to not go anywhere on Friday without my phone and not so I could be contactable, but so I could contact people and crisislines, I was literally scaring myself s@$%^#^& with the way I was thinking on Friday. I'm worried about seeing Nona this week, how I'm going to tell her everything and how hard that conversation is going to be, but perhaps even worse I'm worried about seeing my doctor. Its only for a routine blood work check on my iron levels to see if my anemia has improved since I started supplementation, but I dont want to see him while I'm in this state for fear of being labeled a head case again or put back on antidepressants. I dont need them, I dont want them. I did a good enough job of shutting everything out on my own, without the help of any medications to 'dull me down'. When your on them it it feels ok, everything is ok, but nothing is ever 'great'. Being able to feel emotions with intensity is something I fought to be able to do, I'm not taking anything that will drop me back to that again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I know this is just a phase, a very painful, unhappy phase. But I know I've just got to ride with it and protect myself from myself as much as possible during this time. Hopefully by Thursday I will be feeling better over everything. Until then I've got to be gentle with myself no matter how danged hard it is to do. At this stage I'm back into survival mode doing the basics for right now and just surviving to get to Thursday then will reassess.
xx
Often when I get in a down patch (like how I am now) I hide it from everyone, including myself. Because sitting and feeling the emotion is scary, it means facing it and again that shows its real. For a long time I went through a patch where no joke I believed I was fine and nothing had happened, because I wasn't feeling anything. Literally I didn't think anything had happend, I wanted to believe nothing had happened so badly I shut out every single response and feeling in my body. when my grandfather passed away a few months later I couldn't even cry at his funeral. I never did, that wasn't safe and showing any form of weakness wasn't allowed. These are my weaknesses at the moment...
1. My eating is way out of control-not so much what I'm eating but how I'm eating, the issue is I'm not. Going for ages without food. Why- because I'm not good enough for food, I dont deserve food, because he really didnt care about me, because thinking of it makes me feel sick and then I dont want to eat. It gets difficult to force feed yourself after a while. And once I start eating I jump from one extreme to the other enter the binge run.... (although these have been much less than what they once were and I'd hate to say it but sometimes still within 1200, if only because I havent' eaten all day). umm yeah enough said.
2. Self Care this is always one of the first things to suffer when im going through a rough patch. I mean why do you need to bother when the messages your receiving about yourself basically all scream how repulsive and disgusting you are. its also the hardest thing to stay calm with when going through a tough time, too easily a shower or getting dressed can trigger another thought, even the touch of some fabrics and certain items of clothing are off limits during this time.
3. Scratchies, Not the biggest of my problems but one I am mindful of. First started when I was seeing 1st counsellor about this back when it all came out. Not something I do regularly, in fact I try not to do it at all, because i know how much of a cycle I can get in. I haven't touched any this week, which is a win, but the temptation is always there and being on a limited budget makes it very much worse.
4. Sleep, ok so I mentioned it in the previous post, but I still glossed over it. Sleep is where it is for me. I can survive on a day or 2 interrupted, but anything longer than that becomes downright hard, dangerous and leads me to a bad place altogether. And once that cycle starts its hard to break, because then I reach the point (where I am now) of being completely and uterly scared of falling asleep (because 1. its dark and someting might happen at night without me being awake to deal with it, 2. everytime I shut my eyes all I can see/hear/feel is everything all over again, 3. i dont deserve sleep). Even with trying my meditation things and calming music etc I have always struggled to get my sleeping right once its headed west.
5. There is number 5 but only 1 person other than me knows what that is. I cant tell that yet, but suffice to say its also gone wild lately and also compounds the 'your disgusting, no good for anything, horrible, hate ur body" messages.
6. Mentally- Few things going on here, the obvious one was my need to not go anywhere on Friday without my phone and not so I could be contactable, but so I could contact people and crisislines, I was literally scaring myself s@$%^#^& with the way I was thinking on Friday. I'm worried about seeing Nona this week, how I'm going to tell her everything and how hard that conversation is going to be, but perhaps even worse I'm worried about seeing my doctor. Its only for a routine blood work check on my iron levels to see if my anemia has improved since I started supplementation, but I dont want to see him while I'm in this state for fear of being labeled a head case again or put back on antidepressants. I dont need them, I dont want them. I did a good enough job of shutting everything out on my own, without the help of any medications to 'dull me down'. When your on them it it feels ok, everything is ok, but nothing is ever 'great'. Being able to feel emotions with intensity is something I fought to be able to do, I'm not taking anything that will drop me back to that again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I know this is just a phase, a very painful, unhappy phase. But I know I've just got to ride with it and protect myself from myself as much as possible during this time. Hopefully by Thursday I will be feeling better over everything. Until then I've got to be gentle with myself no matter how danged hard it is to do. At this stage I'm back into survival mode doing the basics for right now and just surviving to get to Thursday then will reassess.
xx
Difficult Weekend
This is Friday's inital post, I didn't want to put it up and hit save a heap of times instead of post. I'm not feeling quite this bad now so I'm in a better mood to post it.
Well today's had it all, you name it and I've probably done it today. Very very tough day to get through. Why you ask, I've worked out I'm sleep deprived and my current sleeping pattern is completely gone and because today I was finally tired enough to give up fighting off the thoughts that have been threatening all week. Yes thats right I was blocking things out again. This time was deliberate to get me through the first week at uni, and I almost got the whole way through.
hmm and then i got a few messages cos I'd kinda been switching between ignoring people and then messaging heaps when I was freaking out. And the tears came and went and came and went and came and went about 10 times over, seemed I couldn't get anything together for a while, didnt know what I wanted to do.
A bit later on it all hit again, and it was just crap. Was on facebook chat at the time, well as much as I could in between tears and meltdown. and yeah that was the story of Friday. End result I called up sick for work experience Saturday (I just couldn't face it) and struggled to get anywhere near calm enough to sleep.
Saturday was softball day
I was feeling slightly brighter when I woke Sat morning (mainly cos i didnt have the extra commitment of work experience to stress me out).
Softball turned out ok after the disaster of training Tuesday. I plate umpired my first game in a year and did an ok job, a few parents weren't happy with my calls and I know I made a mistake but I'm learning so they have to get over it (and its kids sport for goodness sake).
Playing my game ended up quite good, I was initally told I would be on the bench to start with (cos of the stupid extra players playing down thing) but one of the other girls who had also been umpiring was running quite late so I was rushed into the starting side. The first 1/2 was fairly hopeless, I mucked up an easy throw, and batted like crap getting a stupid tiny hit as a put out and a K2 that I shouldnt have swung at. Just before my last bat they asked the other girl if she wanted to come on because we were running out of time in the game. She didnt' want to because the game was close (we were tied). Which meant I had to bat again, now I should add batting isn't one of my strongest areas, I'm definiely a better fielder, but I also know some of this was mental. Just before I went up I said something about 'oh that means I have to bat again' our captain turned to me and said just have confidence you can do it, and i replied 'obviously I dont' and then I went up to bat. And then I went bang (no I didn't explode) I hit the ball, and it flew, and flew and flew. Then I stood stunned for a minute then realised I had to run, so I did. All the way to 3rd. We scored two runs of my hit and I was batted in by the next batter, that won us the game (we went on to score another 3 runs but anyway). I hit a 3 bagger. I've only ever hit 2 3 baggers and 1 home run in my entire career (even in juniors where I was in state teams) better still was reaching 3rd after a 'longish' sprint and realising I wasn't completely panting and dying, and my running speed has definitely increased. My coach was slightly stunned and then turned and said 'see thats all the weight you've lost'.
So we went back into the field with about 2 mins left to get them out. Double play, hit back to pitcher, pitcher reflex catch, runner on 3rd took off, and I got in the way of her and the base (with the ball and my legs), she attempted to slide, I blocked her (and have cleat marks on my leg to prove it), got the out. 2 down 1 minute to play. Pop fly up third base line, ran through the next runner and the base coach to get it, caught it, game over. We won. I salvaged a great 2nd 1/2 from a crappy start and an even worse week. Then went to umpire other game. That one was boring as anything. I struggled to stop the thoughts then, because it was boring and i was now concentrating on every ball again for the 6th hour that day, I was tired, add to that I ate very little during the day (like breakfast and a museli bar) I was going backwards fast.
Came home showered, ate, and went to bed. Except sleep didnt come. at 3am I moved from my room into the lounge to watch tv (and have background noise). I'd tried everything meditation podcasts, music, reading books, hot drink, bath, nothing was working. Every time I closed my eyes I saw it and felt it and i just couldn't do that. Eventually I fell asleep at about 5am and got a whole 1.5 hrs before I was woken by the dogs going outside as Sam left for work. I dozed for a while and i think got up around 9:30am. Needless to say today has been quite a struggle and getting worse the longer I stay awake.
Pretty much this week has been a write off, in terms of progress. Its hurt what I've realised this week and even worse its scaring me that its back to this again. I thought I was past all this, I thought it was getting better. In my heart I know when I see Nona this week she's going to explain the journey is never a straight line and that it peaks and troughs along and some days/weeks/months are just hard. And thats what its been a struggle. The pain I've realised this week is as bad, if not worse than then, because now I've had time to think, I know what it is, I have to call it what it is, and its changing the whole language in my head. Makes it worse, so much so worse, before I could 'minimise' it as something else, as not that bad, but now, I can't. Nothing will ever take that away. I know I'm never going to forget, im just waiting for the day when it gets easier again. Its an understatement to say its hard to eat well and exercise while all this is so out of control. Hard doesn't even come close to it. I will admit to a few bad things this week, including food, sleep, thoughts and other unmentionable things. Every single moment has been a struggle the past few days, harder than it has been for a long time.
I'm not entirely sure this week will be any better, except I am promising myself I have to spend at least 1 hr a day on me (as in exercise time as well as relaxation). I see Nona on Thursday and am preparing myself for a Wednesday freak out over the session, especially now I have a lot of new stuff to tell, I dont know if i can and I wont know that until I'm in that session. Until then I'm trying to breathe lots, stay as calm as possible, control what i can (in reason) and hold it together in public places.
<3
Well today's had it all, you name it and I've probably done it today. Very very tough day to get through. Why you ask, I've worked out I'm sleep deprived and my current sleeping pattern is completely gone and because today I was finally tired enough to give up fighting off the thoughts that have been threatening all week. Yes thats right I was blocking things out again. This time was deliberate to get me through the first week at uni, and I almost got the whole way through.
Biggest scare of the day was that the thoughts are back, for however long they hang around for, there back. I'm not comfortable with that at all, in fact that scares me more than the flashbacks do, I can handle flashbacks (well I know what to expect with them, until the body memories start then things get ugly) but thoughts are much harder to understand and prepare for. Today was one of those days were you would of only had to look at me and I would automatically assume it was because you could see straight through me into what I was thinking. (Add to this tripping on the escalator and stacking it in the busiest food court in Adelaide during lunchtime of the last day of school holidays).
so yeah hiding for hours in the toilets at uni, not putting track pants on whilst freezing in shorts because im scared of the feel of the fabric and dont deserve to be warm, wanting to rush off and get home to do 'things', literally having to force feed myself, completely drained, realising i can fight it anymore, flashbacks and panic on the bus and walking from the stop to my house, got inside and house was empty-good for privacy bad for my then depressive state. laid down for while tried to relax, didnt work, if anything made it worse
hmm and then i got a few messages cos I'd kinda been switching between ignoring people and then messaging heaps when I was freaking out. And the tears came and went and came and went and came and went about 10 times over, seemed I couldn't get anything together for a while, didnt know what I wanted to do.
A bit later on it all hit again, and it was just crap. Was on facebook chat at the time, well as much as I could in between tears and meltdown. and yeah that was the story of Friday. End result I called up sick for work experience Saturday (I just couldn't face it) and struggled to get anywhere near calm enough to sleep.
Saturday was softball day
I was feeling slightly brighter when I woke Sat morning (mainly cos i didnt have the extra commitment of work experience to stress me out).
Softball turned out ok after the disaster of training Tuesday. I plate umpired my first game in a year and did an ok job, a few parents weren't happy with my calls and I know I made a mistake but I'm learning so they have to get over it (and its kids sport for goodness sake).
Playing my game ended up quite good, I was initally told I would be on the bench to start with (cos of the stupid extra players playing down thing) but one of the other girls who had also been umpiring was running quite late so I was rushed into the starting side. The first 1/2 was fairly hopeless, I mucked up an easy throw, and batted like crap getting a stupid tiny hit as a put out and a K2 that I shouldnt have swung at. Just before my last bat they asked the other girl if she wanted to come on because we were running out of time in the game. She didnt' want to because the game was close (we were tied). Which meant I had to bat again, now I should add batting isn't one of my strongest areas, I'm definiely a better fielder, but I also know some of this was mental. Just before I went up I said something about 'oh that means I have to bat again' our captain turned to me and said just have confidence you can do it, and i replied 'obviously I dont' and then I went up to bat. And then I went bang (no I didn't explode) I hit the ball, and it flew, and flew and flew. Then I stood stunned for a minute then realised I had to run, so I did. All the way to 3rd. We scored two runs of my hit and I was batted in by the next batter, that won us the game (we went on to score another 3 runs but anyway). I hit a 3 bagger. I've only ever hit 2 3 baggers and 1 home run in my entire career (even in juniors where I was in state teams) better still was reaching 3rd after a 'longish' sprint and realising I wasn't completely panting and dying, and my running speed has definitely increased. My coach was slightly stunned and then turned and said 'see thats all the weight you've lost'.
So we went back into the field with about 2 mins left to get them out. Double play, hit back to pitcher, pitcher reflex catch, runner on 3rd took off, and I got in the way of her and the base (with the ball and my legs), she attempted to slide, I blocked her (and have cleat marks on my leg to prove it), got the out. 2 down 1 minute to play. Pop fly up third base line, ran through the next runner and the base coach to get it, caught it, game over. We won. I salvaged a great 2nd 1/2 from a crappy start and an even worse week. Then went to umpire other game. That one was boring as anything. I struggled to stop the thoughts then, because it was boring and i was now concentrating on every ball again for the 6th hour that day, I was tired, add to that I ate very little during the day (like breakfast and a museli bar) I was going backwards fast.
Came home showered, ate, and went to bed. Except sleep didnt come. at 3am I moved from my room into the lounge to watch tv (and have background noise). I'd tried everything meditation podcasts, music, reading books, hot drink, bath, nothing was working. Every time I closed my eyes I saw it and felt it and i just couldn't do that. Eventually I fell asleep at about 5am and got a whole 1.5 hrs before I was woken by the dogs going outside as Sam left for work. I dozed for a while and i think got up around 9:30am. Needless to say today has been quite a struggle and getting worse the longer I stay awake.
Pretty much this week has been a write off, in terms of progress. Its hurt what I've realised this week and even worse its scaring me that its back to this again. I thought I was past all this, I thought it was getting better. In my heart I know when I see Nona this week she's going to explain the journey is never a straight line and that it peaks and troughs along and some days/weeks/months are just hard. And thats what its been a struggle. The pain I've realised this week is as bad, if not worse than then, because now I've had time to think, I know what it is, I have to call it what it is, and its changing the whole language in my head. Makes it worse, so much so worse, before I could 'minimise' it as something else, as not that bad, but now, I can't. Nothing will ever take that away. I know I'm never going to forget, im just waiting for the day when it gets easier again. Its an understatement to say its hard to eat well and exercise while all this is so out of control. Hard doesn't even come close to it. I will admit to a few bad things this week, including food, sleep, thoughts and other unmentionable things. Every single moment has been a struggle the past few days, harder than it has been for a long time.
I'm not entirely sure this week will be any better, except I am promising myself I have to spend at least 1 hr a day on me (as in exercise time as well as relaxation). I see Nona on Thursday and am preparing myself for a Wednesday freak out over the session, especially now I have a lot of new stuff to tell, I dont know if i can and I wont know that until I'm in that session. Until then I'm trying to breathe lots, stay as calm as possible, control what i can (in reason) and hold it together in public places.
<3
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day 18-R U Ok Day?
Today is Australian R U OK day? The day were you ask a mate if they are ok, the idea being that a simple conversation can open the door to helping someone through stuff that you wouldn't normally know about them.
So that leads to the obvious question of do I challenge the truth and keep putting on the 'brave face' or answer truthfully (considering this conversation is twitter dominant at the moment its hard to be honest in 140 characters-I'm thinking that sounds like an excuse). Anyway the question how are you or RUOK? always brings up this kinda thoughts in my head, a lot of the time I dont answer properly or tone down my answers because I'm worried that my friends will think I'm just some sort of whinge/whinning freak, then I'm also scared that if they really knew they'd run away, and then I'm worried about how much of a burden i'm being on them and how draining listening to me must get sometimes. (Now I should add I am getting better at recognising and dealing with the bad days and before you all jump down my throat for not being honest and things I haven't been feeling all that terrible lately, only for small spots here and there where I can pick myself up).
Today is different, a few things happened last night, which made for a very bad night. My worst for a long long time. Long story short i had a phone call from home just before I went to bed, and that ended my going straight to sleep. Basically sent me into a bit of a spiral and all the negative thoughts came up. I fought it for a while, then I couldn't. Too hard. No one was home either which was worse, because I was alone, I didn't feel like reaching out. No one needed my crap then. So my solution was to settle down in front of the tv and see how I go to fall asleep there. That worked until about 2am then I realised I really should go to my bed because otherwise I'd wake up when housemates got home from uni (late night assignment study). I'd literally got into bed and then they rocked up. Which was fine. Then as they walked in the door I realised they had someone else with them, they brought back a friend at 2am!! I went out to find out what was going on and it turns out they brought home a complete random stranger, apparently he had been sleeping at uni for the past few nights, so Sam volunteered our house to have a shower and sleep on a bed. Now I dont have a problem with that on principle, but I do have an issue with it happening at 2am and the fact he didn't ask me either. The funnier thing was that if I'd fallen asleep in the lounge that would of been where he slept, so it was good that I moved. Now for the actual nights sleep, it didn't really happen. I'd just laid down again and then there was a knock on my door. Housemate wanted me to help on the computer quickly. Before long it was 3am and I was finally back in bed and the house was quiet cos everyone else was in bed. Perfect time for flashbacks to come in. I dont know what time I feel asleep but it wasn't fun. And then the dreams started and I woke myself up screaming from something about 5 times during the night.
So then I slept in, woke up feeling like crap today (no surprises there) and now I'm frustrated, I need to eat, I need to go do some exercise, uni has smacked me around this week and I haven't trained properly since Sunday. More annoyed that I have now wasted the entire day when I was supposed to get a heap of uni stuff done and I cant even be bothered to get out of bed. And now I dont even want to post this so I'm going to do what I normally do and hit post and then get out of bed and have a shower and then make myself sit down and eat.
I will leave you with this..... R U Ok? (answer honestly- you never know what you'll find out about yourself)
M xx
So that leads to the obvious question of do I challenge the truth and keep putting on the 'brave face' or answer truthfully (considering this conversation is twitter dominant at the moment its hard to be honest in 140 characters-I'm thinking that sounds like an excuse). Anyway the question how are you or RUOK? always brings up this kinda thoughts in my head, a lot of the time I dont answer properly or tone down my answers because I'm worried that my friends will think I'm just some sort of whinge/whinning freak, then I'm also scared that if they really knew they'd run away, and then I'm worried about how much of a burden i'm being on them and how draining listening to me must get sometimes. (Now I should add I am getting better at recognising and dealing with the bad days and before you all jump down my throat for not being honest and things I haven't been feeling all that terrible lately, only for small spots here and there where I can pick myself up).
Today is different, a few things happened last night, which made for a very bad night. My worst for a long long time. Long story short i had a phone call from home just before I went to bed, and that ended my going straight to sleep. Basically sent me into a bit of a spiral and all the negative thoughts came up. I fought it for a while, then I couldn't. Too hard. No one was home either which was worse, because I was alone, I didn't feel like reaching out. No one needed my crap then. So my solution was to settle down in front of the tv and see how I go to fall asleep there. That worked until about 2am then I realised I really should go to my bed because otherwise I'd wake up when housemates got home from uni (late night assignment study). I'd literally got into bed and then they rocked up. Which was fine. Then as they walked in the door I realised they had someone else with them, they brought back a friend at 2am!! I went out to find out what was going on and it turns out they brought home a complete random stranger, apparently he had been sleeping at uni for the past few nights, so Sam volunteered our house to have a shower and sleep on a bed. Now I dont have a problem with that on principle, but I do have an issue with it happening at 2am and the fact he didn't ask me either. The funnier thing was that if I'd fallen asleep in the lounge that would of been where he slept, so it was good that I moved. Now for the actual nights sleep, it didn't really happen. I'd just laid down again and then there was a knock on my door. Housemate wanted me to help on the computer quickly. Before long it was 3am and I was finally back in bed and the house was quiet cos everyone else was in bed. Perfect time for flashbacks to come in. I dont know what time I feel asleep but it wasn't fun. And then the dreams started and I woke myself up screaming from something about 5 times during the night.
So then I slept in, woke up feeling like crap today (no surprises there) and now I'm frustrated, I need to eat, I need to go do some exercise, uni has smacked me around this week and I haven't trained properly since Sunday. More annoyed that I have now wasted the entire day when I was supposed to get a heap of uni stuff done and I cant even be bothered to get out of bed. And now I dont even want to post this so I'm going to do what I normally do and hit post and then get out of bed and have a shower and then make myself sit down and eat.
I will leave you with this..... R U Ok? (answer honestly- you never know what you'll find out about yourself)
M xx
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