This is a super quick update with my weigh in results from this morning (I've got 20mins until tutorial starts and of course I chose to update my blog rather than do any readings =P).
I procrastinated doing my weigh in this morning, I did briefly wake up at 6am and then very quickly feel back asleep until 8:45, then I just didnt' want to do it. I was truely scared I would gain and I didn't want to deal with what that would have done to my head. Basically I just wasn't in the mood to deal with a gain this week. Anyway I eventually got a msg from a 12wbt friend asking how my weigh in went etc. That gave me the kick to JFDI so I jumped on and almost fell off =D
I saw a 5!!! 59.6 infact. So I am now officially below 60! I screamed (couldn't help it-no one was home). Very happy with a 700g loss this week, feels good to know I am moving forward no matter how freaking slowly its happened. Now the next goal is healthy BMI which is at 58.5, so only 1.1 to go (I'm hoping I can pull that off next week).
Anyways I'm off, just had to jump on and share my good news =D If I get time tonight I'll write more about the now huge mental battle to maintain/keep loosing, but for now I"m happy and avoiding the uni caf because I'm currently getting told I deserve a chocolate or 20 to reward my hard work (aka my head is now screaming because I'm the lowest ever and changing SO much stuff) anyways thats another story and I need to go to Health Promotion.
Mel =)
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day 16-Uni, softball and politics
Only quick update tonight, I'm really tired and drained. The house guest got back in at 2am last night, so the past two nights have been very late and that makes me not only tired but disrupts my whole sleeping pattern, which I really struggle to get back once its disrupted. This meant I missed my early morning rpm class which I wasn't happy about.
Uni went back today, lecture was pretty good, I then spent the next little while trying to find information about my next assignment. For some reason I thought we had an exam for this subject but I discovered quite late last night we actually have another written assignment, which sent me into a bit of a freak out. I'm going to talk to my friend tomorrow and work out whats going on.
Otherwise I got my new glove today, which is really nice, now I just need to break it in and get a pocket happening in it soon.
Softball training was a different story, the actual training went pretty good (apart from my batting I jarred my thumb again which I think may have flared my carpal tunnel issues but I've been icing it tonight and its feeling a little bit better, will sleep with my brace on and it should be ok tomorrow. Politically softball tonight was crap! The short version is the B grade team has extra players, they dont want, they want to send them down to C (my grade) but their coach has said they HAVE to play in their positions and HAVE to get full games. So we are expected to pay the same amount and have an unsettled team each week. I left feeling quite upset tonight, this is only my 2nd year with the club and I'm feeling quite vulnerable as my batting isnt the best, so kinda feeling like I'm fighting for my position, our coach has assured us no one is seen as 'weak' in the team but the mind games aren't helping.
In other news its Wednesday tomorrow, which means a few things. 1. weigh in. I'm entirely not confident of a positive result there, I've put the work in exercise wise but the diet side of things still needs improvement (and I'll admit to having a few peaks during the week and not seeing anything hopeful). I'm reaching a point where if I dont get below 60 soon I am really feeling the pressue to get under it. Mainly because I want to reach my goals and this 60 milestone has been hanging around like a bad smell for the past 7weeks (I've been within 2kgs or less for ages) and in my mind I"m starting to turn it into a mental block, that I cant' get past it, that I should be happy at this weight etc. Second important thing about tomorrow is I'm supposed to be attempting to run 5k.
I should be excited by this, but frankly I"m not. Right now my head is trying to talk me out of doing anything, the old theres no point nothing is working speech is on repeat and I'd be much happier to sit up and watch the Comm Games all night and not worry about getting up early or uni.
One a side note, I know where this little slump has come from, the other night I was talking with a friend and I had a big moment, where I realised some of the stuff that happened (with Dad) was worse than what my head was telling me it was. I know it sounds stupid but I had always refused to see what happened in that way, and I've been thinking of it constantly. I know I should ring Nona and tell her but I just cant right now. I need to call her and have her explain it to me though, ok explain is the wrong word, I need her to reassure me that it is what Im now thinking it is and that I didnt have anything to do with it. That call is incredibly difficult though so I'll keep thinking of it instead.
Better sign off and try and sleep,
hope you all have awesome weigh ins tomorrow and I'll keep you updated with my results
xx
Uni went back today, lecture was pretty good, I then spent the next little while trying to find information about my next assignment. For some reason I thought we had an exam for this subject but I discovered quite late last night we actually have another written assignment, which sent me into a bit of a freak out. I'm going to talk to my friend tomorrow and work out whats going on.
Otherwise I got my new glove today, which is really nice, now I just need to break it in and get a pocket happening in it soon.
Softball training was a different story, the actual training went pretty good (apart from my batting I jarred my thumb again which I think may have flared my carpal tunnel issues but I've been icing it tonight and its feeling a little bit better, will sleep with my brace on and it should be ok tomorrow. Politically softball tonight was crap! The short version is the B grade team has extra players, they dont want, they want to send them down to C (my grade) but their coach has said they HAVE to play in their positions and HAVE to get full games. So we are expected to pay the same amount and have an unsettled team each week. I left feeling quite upset tonight, this is only my 2nd year with the club and I'm feeling quite vulnerable as my batting isnt the best, so kinda feeling like I'm fighting for my position, our coach has assured us no one is seen as 'weak' in the team but the mind games aren't helping.
In other news its Wednesday tomorrow, which means a few things. 1. weigh in. I'm entirely not confident of a positive result there, I've put the work in exercise wise but the diet side of things still needs improvement (and I'll admit to having a few peaks during the week and not seeing anything hopeful). I'm reaching a point where if I dont get below 60 soon I am really feeling the pressue to get under it. Mainly because I want to reach my goals and this 60 milestone has been hanging around like a bad smell for the past 7weeks (I've been within 2kgs or less for ages) and in my mind I"m starting to turn it into a mental block, that I cant' get past it, that I should be happy at this weight etc. Second important thing about tomorrow is I'm supposed to be attempting to run 5k.
I should be excited by this, but frankly I"m not. Right now my head is trying to talk me out of doing anything, the old theres no point nothing is working speech is on repeat and I'd be much happier to sit up and watch the Comm Games all night and not worry about getting up early or uni.
One a side note, I know where this little slump has come from, the other night I was talking with a friend and I had a big moment, where I realised some of the stuff that happened (with Dad) was worse than what my head was telling me it was. I know it sounds stupid but I had always refused to see what happened in that way, and I've been thinking of it constantly. I know I should ring Nona and tell her but I just cant right now. I need to call her and have her explain it to me though, ok explain is the wrong word, I need her to reassure me that it is what Im now thinking it is and that I didnt have anything to do with it. That call is incredibly difficult though so I'll keep thinking of it instead.
Better sign off and try and sleep,
hope you all have awesome weigh ins tomorrow and I'll keep you updated with my results
xx
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 15- Back in the running
Hi everyone
I know what a shock, no blog from me for a whole day! its a new record =P. A quick rundown of yesterday. Up at about 4am confused over daylight savings time changes, went back to sleep, woke up again at 7am, which was good. Picked up at 7:40 to go and walk the Waterfall Gully to Mount Lofty track, 3.9km one way up the side of Mount Lofty so its steep. This was the first time I've attempted to walk the whole thing. I got 2/3 of the way up a few months ago when walking with housemate and her friend, but we had to turn back because it was fast getting dark and her friend was having some leg cramps.
Yesterday was a different story, we got up and went for it, got to the top dead on 1hr 1min. Spent a few minutes walking around enjoying the view, got the essential 'we made it to top' pic, re applied the sunscreen and back we went, straight back down. I think the way down took around 45mins, all in all my HRM said 2hrs 2mins and 636cals. Because of the interrupted sleep I came home, dragged on my compression pants and calf guards and feel asleep. I might add this wasnt just a usual nap it turned into a 4hr mega snoozeathon (oops). I wasn't too worried though because I obviously needed it and it was really good to fall asleep knowing I didnt have to wake up to an alarm. Later in the afternoon, Debbie (housemate) and I decided to take advantage of the daylight savings and head off for a quick jog, we did C25K wk 4 which is 3min run, 1.5m walk, 5min run, 2.5 min walk and repeat. I struggled initially because my calves were tight as anything, but pushed through it and kept going, so that completed for another 230 cals. Total for the day was 2.5hr session and 870 (roughly) cals. then headed out to watch Tomorrow When the War Began at the late screening last night (avoided the candy bar). It was a late one because the houseguest I spoke about last week arrived yesterday, and he went out to get back in at 2am this morning! I kinda stayed awake so I wasn't woken from a deep sleep when he came back in.
The big news of today is I am running again!!!! Despite waking up with very stiff and sorry calf and butt muscles, I knew i had to do something and given my extremely unplanned late night I had managed to miss my scheduled rpm class. So I got dressed and out the door, put on c25k wk 5 d3 and off I went. This was a 20 min run non stop. Now I know this isn't anything to exactly write home about, but for me it is significant. Its the first run I've done of a decent length since City2Surf where I haven't stopped or given in to mental voices or pain and to do it today when my legs were already feeling pretty heavy felt great to achieve it. Considering I have a 10k Race 4 Life on October 17th I knew i had to get my butt moving seriously to even think of running the whole thing. Now that I've done that 3k this morning its just given me a bit more of a boost that I can still run, even if i haven't and the only thing I need is practice- which i'm working on.
So the goal for this week is to do 5k on Wednesday and try for a longer run on Sunday of about 7-8km. Provided I can get an 8km practice run in I know I can do the full 10 on race day.
I also posted to very important announcements on twitter just before. I'm copying my tweet onto here just so you can all share with me =P
i have 2 announcements of great importance #notreally 1. I'm starving today and 2. my butt hurts!! dang Mt Lofty climb+running #thatisall
So now I'm off to do some very gentle stretching and foam rollering to hopefully walk a little easier tomorrow at uni. EEK did I mention I go back to uni tomorrow? Nah I'm actually almost looking forward to having a routine again. In saying that its only 5 weeks now until I have my Wednesday nights back again =).
Hope your all having a blast in this great weather we have at the moment (well Adelaide's weather is nice anyway) I"m off to eat an orange and get rid of the hunger pains.
M =)
I know what a shock, no blog from me for a whole day! its a new record =P. A quick rundown of yesterday. Up at about 4am confused over daylight savings time changes, went back to sleep, woke up again at 7am, which was good. Picked up at 7:40 to go and walk the Waterfall Gully to Mount Lofty track, 3.9km one way up the side of Mount Lofty so its steep. This was the first time I've attempted to walk the whole thing. I got 2/3 of the way up a few months ago when walking with housemate and her friend, but we had to turn back because it was fast getting dark and her friend was having some leg cramps.
Yesterday was a different story, we got up and went for it, got to the top dead on 1hr 1min. Spent a few minutes walking around enjoying the view, got the essential 'we made it to top' pic, re applied the sunscreen and back we went, straight back down. I think the way down took around 45mins, all in all my HRM said 2hrs 2mins and 636cals. Because of the interrupted sleep I came home, dragged on my compression pants and calf guards and feel asleep. I might add this wasnt just a usual nap it turned into a 4hr mega snoozeathon (oops). I wasn't too worried though because I obviously needed it and it was really good to fall asleep knowing I didnt have to wake up to an alarm. Later in the afternoon, Debbie (housemate) and I decided to take advantage of the daylight savings and head off for a quick jog, we did C25K wk 4 which is 3min run, 1.5m walk, 5min run, 2.5 min walk and repeat. I struggled initially because my calves were tight as anything, but pushed through it and kept going, so that completed for another 230 cals. Total for the day was 2.5hr session and 870 (roughly) cals. then headed out to watch Tomorrow When the War Began at the late screening last night (avoided the candy bar). It was a late one because the houseguest I spoke about last week arrived yesterday, and he went out to get back in at 2am this morning! I kinda stayed awake so I wasn't woken from a deep sleep when he came back in.
The big news of today is I am running again!!!! Despite waking up with very stiff and sorry calf and butt muscles, I knew i had to do something and given my extremely unplanned late night I had managed to miss my scheduled rpm class. So I got dressed and out the door, put on c25k wk 5 d3 and off I went. This was a 20 min run non stop. Now I know this isn't anything to exactly write home about, but for me it is significant. Its the first run I've done of a decent length since City2Surf where I haven't stopped or given in to mental voices or pain and to do it today when my legs were already feeling pretty heavy felt great to achieve it. Considering I have a 10k Race 4 Life on October 17th I knew i had to get my butt moving seriously to even think of running the whole thing. Now that I've done that 3k this morning its just given me a bit more of a boost that I can still run, even if i haven't and the only thing I need is practice- which i'm working on.
So the goal for this week is to do 5k on Wednesday and try for a longer run on Sunday of about 7-8km. Provided I can get an 8km practice run in I know I can do the full 10 on race day.
I also posted to very important announcements on twitter just before. I'm copying my tweet onto here just so you can all share with me =P
i have 2 announcements of great importance #notreally 1. I'm starving today and 2. my butt hurts!! dang Mt Lofty climb+running #thatisall
So now I'm off to do some very gentle stretching and foam rollering to hopefully walk a little easier tomorrow at uni. EEK did I mention I go back to uni tomorrow? Nah I'm actually almost looking forward to having a routine again. In saying that its only 5 weeks now until I have my Wednesday nights back again =).
Hope your all having a blast in this great weather we have at the moment (well Adelaide's weather is nice anyway) I"m off to eat an orange and get rid of the hunger pains.
M =)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The positive side of life
I'm back again! I know sorry for the million postings of the past few days. I guess a lot comes out when I have time to sit and think, not all of it good.
Thats why I'm back again, I feel as if the last few posts have put quite a negative spin on this blog, I dont know why I'm thinking that but I am. So I'm back to check a few things and clear up a few issues in my head.
So in no particular order my achievements for 2010 so far;
Thats why I'm back again, I feel as if the last few posts have put quite a negative spin on this blog, I dont know why I'm thinking that but I am. So I'm back to check a few things and clear up a few issues in my head.
So in no particular order my achievements for 2010 so far;
- completing my catch up semester at uni even though I was with the cohort lower than my actual level
- signing up for 12wbt r1- the best birthday present I ever gave myself
- doing the work experience program for all I complain about it at times, it really is rewarding and has helped my confidence a lot
- losing 25 odd kgs
- going from size 16 jeans to comfortable size 8
- flying to Melbourne to do RunMelbourne
- flying to Sydney for City2Surf
- running 1km non stop for wk 4 mini milestone in round 1
- running 10k non stop in Melbourne in 1h 21min 57sec
- Increasing wall sit from 1min 10 in round 1 to now well over 3mins
- rejoining the gym
- trying classes
- getting my hair cut (it needs doing again)
- listening to myself when I was told crap news at doctors and fighting to get a real answer
- Passing Applied Biomechanics!! (with a Credit thank you very much!!)
- Winning an award for last seasons softball for willingness to volunteer and umpire
- Going to Sydney for round 2 party
- Staying in Sydney and not running away after the massive breakdown
- Crying in front of people
- Crying in front of Nona
- Sharing my story and releasing parts of the burden
- Listening to my body in many ways (emotionally, physically-ie docs/medication changes, mentally-challenging the negativity)
- Letting myself plan things now and follow through on those plans
- Spending time each day doing something good for me, even if its writing in this blog, brushing my hair, making my bed, showing myself I do value myself and I am worthy
- Asking for help when I need it
- Making phone calls to people, and not just when I have to for something specific
- The huge challenges I've faced with the abuse issue, including facing him again, dealing with the messages and shame, letting the emotions through, asking for help to deal with them, breathing, not hurting myself as much, recognising the bad days and the bad memories and generally feeling like its finally moving forward.
- Most importantly finding hope and a love for life again
Much Love
Mel
The other cousin story - WARNING GRAPHIC CRIME INVOLVED
Ok so if you read 'High School' then your probably wondering why me getting withdrawn on a cousins birthday is significant. Well I'm about to tell you. and yeah im posting another warning, this is graphic again.
I was 7 almost 8, mum came into class, it was close to some special event (easter, xmas something like that), I was surprised to see mum in my class during the day, I watched as she spoke to the teacher, my teacher went white and almost started crying. Mum came and got me. We left school. Went to a ladies house, it was a strange house, I remember it being very weird that most of my cousins were there, it was like a big family get together, but during the middle of the day. I was upset, that I couldn't go and be with mum, she was somewhere in the hosue with the adults. I dont know what they were doing, except I wanted to be with her, I needed her to give me a hug and find out what was going on. I knew something was up.
We were left in this room in a strange house with strange adults, and food. Party type food, but this was no party obviously. So what else did we have to do but eat. Thinking on it now I reckon this is where some (ok most) of my emotional eating habits are formed. Anyway at some point I got told that my baby cousin Cameron had gone to heaven. I didn't understand at the time, I mean we had babysat him the night before and he was fine then. It wasn't until a few days later that I was told my Uncle (his dad) had been very naughty and was going away for a long time.
I think I was about 10 when it finally got explained to me, by this stage it was going through the court process. Basically there was a bad marriage, it ended badly and it ended abruptly. My uncle came to get Cameron for a visit and took off with him, attempted to asphyxiate both of them using the car's exhaust realised that didnt work and was then worried about the brain damage he would have given him, and didnt want him to suffer and instead chose to kill him using a tomahawk. He then realised what he'd done and ran, at one stage he rang his mum (my nan) and told her what he'd done, except he got through to my mum, she was the one who was there to take the call, she rang the police and was there holding my nan together until everyone else arrived.
He's now served his time in jail and is up for parole, there is a lot of talk around the past few months because his exwife is trying to get a the premier to stop him from getting parole and there is a lot of negative talk happening about both sides of the family. For a while I couldn't watch the news or pick up a paper for fear of what I'd read. Personally i dont know what I think on the issue, and its not up to me to judge, but I do know this action has had an effect on me.
I know that before this happened I was flower girl in their wedding, I looked up to my uncle as a big brother, I loved playing with Cameron and he was only a few weeks older than my middle sister. I know that since he's asked for parole there has been a lot of extra stress put on around the family, particularly back home. I know that my parents have had to talk to my sisters school so the science teacher had to change her curriculum to include this case as part of their forensic science unit. I know my sisters ring me in tears frustrated at people who say things about our extended family because of his actions. I know my dad is angry, I know my mum has never looked at me the same since, although I dont know what I did to deserve that. I know that its just a difficult sticky situation that is always going to upset somebody. And I know thats why I was so scared taht night with dad, because I knew he knew how to kill someone, because his brother had.
So yeah getting back to the drama situation. I found out the day before it was Cameron's bday the next day. For some reason that really set me off, I wasn't happy about drama, being a complete introvert i hated it, we had the senior drama teacher that day and he wasnt taking no for an answer, he ended up withdrawing both me and friend who were upset for similar reasons. he wouldn't let us explain and insisted we not only do our monologues but do them in front of the senior class as well as our class (like 40 people) when we were already upset and crying. It didnt' happen, we left and dad was angry, that was a day he realised that things still hurt me, even though I didn't show it. Not that it made us talk about it or anything, no that would be too hard. So I kept going with my secret. Eventually I told my school counsellor and she helped me kinda make sense of it. And now I'm realising its where my emotional eating patterns started. If i'm upset give me sugar or salt and watch me go. Habits are tough to break aren't they.
M
xx
I was 7 almost 8, mum came into class, it was close to some special event (easter, xmas something like that), I was surprised to see mum in my class during the day, I watched as she spoke to the teacher, my teacher went white and almost started crying. Mum came and got me. We left school. Went to a ladies house, it was a strange house, I remember it being very weird that most of my cousins were there, it was like a big family get together, but during the middle of the day. I was upset, that I couldn't go and be with mum, she was somewhere in the hosue with the adults. I dont know what they were doing, except I wanted to be with her, I needed her to give me a hug and find out what was going on. I knew something was up.
We were left in this room in a strange house with strange adults, and food. Party type food, but this was no party obviously. So what else did we have to do but eat. Thinking on it now I reckon this is where some (ok most) of my emotional eating habits are formed. Anyway at some point I got told that my baby cousin Cameron had gone to heaven. I didn't understand at the time, I mean we had babysat him the night before and he was fine then. It wasn't until a few days later that I was told my Uncle (his dad) had been very naughty and was going away for a long time.
I think I was about 10 when it finally got explained to me, by this stage it was going through the court process. Basically there was a bad marriage, it ended badly and it ended abruptly. My uncle came to get Cameron for a visit and took off with him, attempted to asphyxiate both of them using the car's exhaust realised that didnt work and was then worried about the brain damage he would have given him, and didnt want him to suffer and instead chose to kill him using a tomahawk. He then realised what he'd done and ran, at one stage he rang his mum (my nan) and told her what he'd done, except he got through to my mum, she was the one who was there to take the call, she rang the police and was there holding my nan together until everyone else arrived.
He's now served his time in jail and is up for parole, there is a lot of talk around the past few months because his exwife is trying to get a the premier to stop him from getting parole and there is a lot of negative talk happening about both sides of the family. For a while I couldn't watch the news or pick up a paper for fear of what I'd read. Personally i dont know what I think on the issue, and its not up to me to judge, but I do know this action has had an effect on me.
I know that before this happened I was flower girl in their wedding, I looked up to my uncle as a big brother, I loved playing with Cameron and he was only a few weeks older than my middle sister. I know that since he's asked for parole there has been a lot of extra stress put on around the family, particularly back home. I know that my parents have had to talk to my sisters school so the science teacher had to change her curriculum to include this case as part of their forensic science unit. I know my sisters ring me in tears frustrated at people who say things about our extended family because of his actions. I know my dad is angry, I know my mum has never looked at me the same since, although I dont know what I did to deserve that. I know that its just a difficult sticky situation that is always going to upset somebody. And I know thats why I was so scared taht night with dad, because I knew he knew how to kill someone, because his brother had.
So yeah getting back to the drama situation. I found out the day before it was Cameron's bday the next day. For some reason that really set me off, I wasn't happy about drama, being a complete introvert i hated it, we had the senior drama teacher that day and he wasnt taking no for an answer, he ended up withdrawing both me and friend who were upset for similar reasons. he wouldn't let us explain and insisted we not only do our monologues but do them in front of the senior class as well as our class (like 40 people) when we were already upset and crying. It didnt' happen, we left and dad was angry, that was a day he realised that things still hurt me, even though I didn't show it. Not that it made us talk about it or anything, no that would be too hard. So I kept going with my secret. Eventually I told my school counsellor and she helped me kinda make sense of it. And now I'm realising its where my emotional eating patterns started. If i'm upset give me sugar or salt and watch me go. Habits are tough to break aren't they.
M
xx
High school
I was planning on being at softball today, right now infact. But I got there this morning to find another team had brought a spare umpire, who was accredited so they offered to use them instead of me, which I'm not complaining about. Yes it means I miss out on those $$ and yes I am now free for the weekend when I could of been at home, but all in all I'm ok with it.
So onto my next life chapter I guess you could call it....high school.
Pretty much this when I guess I first started getting depressed, although no one noticied (or cared enough) to say anything.
It seemed like during our (my class') high school years we had some form of tragedy, natural disaster or personal crisis that happened every single year. I know it sounds stupid but I literally remember my high school years from the crises that happened not because of anything else.
So here goes
year 7 (ok so not quite high school) - October 2nd Uncle Trev passed away, friends of ours lost their dad to a shark attack a few weeks later left behind 3 young kids the oldest around my age.
year 8-
Tulka fire- scary, no one died thankfully, but we had close friends in the zone, my aunty's house was in the middle of the danger zone and she was away that weekend (this was T's wife) so dad was out there trying to fight to save her house and all the photos and videos of them, her house was ok the garden got singed but everyone survived which was the main thing. It was freaky though. I remember walking around school watching year 12's bursting into tears, teachers looking shell shocked and the smoke cloud is something you never forget.
I hadn't come to terms with T's death, once it was over no one even spoke his name around our house,
I got withdrawn (sent out of class) for 1st time in my life for refusing to do a drama monologue on the day of my cousins birthday (thats another post which I will write shortly), the next week we had a Religious Instruction band come and play, the lecturer guy for them, basically stood up and spoke about death and dying and suicide for a full hour. I made it 1/2 way through before leaving in tears absolutely shattered, about 6 of us left from that due to various personal tragedies, the worst was a friend whose cousin had suicided the week before. That was my first experience of the counsellors office, soon it would become a second home.
Towards the end of the year one of our close family friends who was in year 12 was driving some of her friends home after a study session. Next thing the car ended up wrapped around a pole. One of the girls died in that car. Again the school went into shock, another wasted life, and heaps more completely changed forever, I remember watching Lauren get up on stage to read a poem she had written at the end of year assembly, it was heartbreaking yet inspiring that she found the strength to do that.
Year 9- Another of my friends attempted suicide, survived and was ok, but arriving at school the next day was out of control, year level meetings, the lifeline and reach out cards handed out.
Then there was the group of us who were closest to him who met in the counselling offices. I think we used about 20 trees worth of tissues that day. Things were said from emotional places, feelings were hurt, we almost had a punch and people were screamed at. I tried to run away, I couldn't deal with it, only to be caught by Peter ( the later boyfriend who locked me in the car), that day was the day I thought he'd changed, he held me and told me it would be ok, and he listened to my crying babble, until I almost feel asleep completely exhausted. We sorted it out, everyone made up and James came back to school.
Year 10- Moved into the new house, got a job, then we discovered a girl in the year below me had cancer again, and this time was it. There was nothing that could be done. She fought, fought hard, she got her wish to go to the daintree rainforest and fly in a hot air balloon. She died. I remember my home group teacher breaking down and crying when she told us why we had a special assembly that day. This was also when I started hurting, badly. But I didn't tell, it had been building for ages, but I kept telling myself everything was ok, except it wasn't.
I had a small operation to remove a cyst from my eye, because of the placement I was offered general anasthetic (and I took it, I was told I would otherwise have to be operated on with my eye open- no thank you). I had a great friend come and take me to the hospital that morning (she is a nurse so was great at keeping me calm and explaining everything), mum didn't even ask if I wanted her to come, just said oh good Karen can do that I'm too busy. Well that set the mood for the day. I got home just after lunch (day procedure) and went straight back to sleep, I woke up later and went and sat outside, next thing dad came through and tripped on a tether tennis racket that had been left around, he was angry about something and next thing he'd picked it up and threw it straight through the front window in front of me. I sat there stunned and showered with glass, already with a splitting headache and lost it burst into tears. Mum didn't even try and comfort me, just told me to grow up and get over it. I walked out then, I walked to Karen's house (well I tried) she only lived a few streets away. I think mum must have rang her and told her I was headed her way, she met me 1/2 way picked me and took me home. Held me until I cried myself to sleep.
year 11- One of the main science teachers at our school passed away, unexpectedly. He had some form of ongoing blood clotting issues, but it was based in acute attacks, from what I believe he had a rupture in his esophagus and bleed to death very quickly. Again the school went into mourning. Yr 11 is also when things got more serious at home. By this stage my role was now to wash, clean, cook, do dishes, iron, entertain the girls, along with helping with the backyard, maintain my A grades so the world didnt think anything was wrong, play softball and netball, along with coaching and umpiring and also work part time at KFC for 15-20hrs a wk. I wasn't allowed to call up sick, or say no to a shift if they rang and asked me, which they did a lot.
My sleeping started to suffer, I got angry and was depressed, but by now I'd hidden it enough, I knew what to do to get me through, that was to write, I wrote everywhere and about anything, except I only ever hide it in certain spots, because mum would go through everything, no matter what is was as soon as I was out she would read my stuff and I know she did, I even caught her a few years ago reading my sisters journals. Now theres a line between reading the 'secrets' of a 6yr old to a 15-16 year old.
Year 12- was when I finally crashed.
The massive fire, 9 people died, including the psychology teacher at the school, more friends who lost homes, and even more who were damaged, the baseball club was only just missed. We drove past two of the crash sites, when they were pulling bodies out. One of the worst experiences of my life, we were packed and ready to go, i was trying to keep 7 children calm while mum got organised, driving down the street and one of the kids goes "whats that?" we looked to see a wall of orange and red go racing over the hills straight down to the water, we knew then people were in trouble. Listening on the radio to the reports, that never seemed to stop, worrying about dad and the other volunteers who were out there fighting the fires, who knew if they would come back alive. Turns out two of the firefighters died out there that day.
This was the weekend before school started. Our year 12 year. We were supposed to have done pre readings, be organised, calm, planned out, ready to start the year with a bang. We did start with a bang, that was deciding to get the word 'SURVIVORS' printed across the back of our graduation jumpers. We also started with the smell of smoke lingering again, 1/2 the school still being used a refuge centre and teachers and students glassy eyed in shock. That was crazy.
It took me a good few months to get back to 'normal' after that. I dont know what triggered it off again, but something did. Towards the middle of the year I slumped again, this time badly. To the point of writing notes and making plans, extremely detailed plans. I found out at one point my best friend had actually attempted her plans (i didn't discover this until much later), I ended up confiding in another friend, about everything, I wrote her letters and poems, some of my inner most devious thoughts, she kept them. She was the only person who knew what a living hell I'd been stuck in. That was enough to get me through, knowing she was always there, that pushed me to keep striving to do well at school, keep pushing the boundaries.
I know my teachers were worried, but they thought it was normal end of school exam stress. I broke down on a couple of them because it was all too much and they looked and I knew they cared too deeply. Couldn't hold it together, yet still they didnt' ask questions (well not of me directly). Again I thought that once I got through year 12 everything would be ok. But it wasn't of course, there was more.
I reached a point where i just couldn't go on, there was no point, nothing was saving me and the thought of spending years at uni for a career, why should I have to do that just because everyone said I had the marks to. I guess I'm only just beginning to realise I've always been pushed to do things, not because I want to, but because others have made the decisions for me. To the point that when I left home I was never allowed to go to the doctors by myself, I always had to have a parent with me, the only phone calls I could make were for work, I had to tell exactly when I was coming home, if I was late prepare to be hit, punched, slapped or yelled at as I walked through the door (but in a quiet way so the girls wouldn't know). It got ridiculous.
Looking back at it now I'm amazed I got as far as I have now. I don't know how I held it together as long as I did. And now its all come unravelled it when it hurts, to realise all these things I've missed out on, or havent' done because fear or anxiety or life or other people have held me back is scary and sad.
so yeah thats a brief overview of my high school years and the start of my downhill spiral
So onto my next life chapter I guess you could call it....high school.
Pretty much this when I guess I first started getting depressed, although no one noticied (or cared enough) to say anything.
It seemed like during our (my class') high school years we had some form of tragedy, natural disaster or personal crisis that happened every single year. I know it sounds stupid but I literally remember my high school years from the crises that happened not because of anything else.
So here goes
year 7 (ok so not quite high school) - October 2nd Uncle Trev passed away, friends of ours lost their dad to a shark attack a few weeks later left behind 3 young kids the oldest around my age.
year 8-
Tulka fire- scary, no one died thankfully, but we had close friends in the zone, my aunty's house was in the middle of the danger zone and she was away that weekend (this was T's wife) so dad was out there trying to fight to save her house and all the photos and videos of them, her house was ok the garden got singed but everyone survived which was the main thing. It was freaky though. I remember walking around school watching year 12's bursting into tears, teachers looking shell shocked and the smoke cloud is something you never forget.
I hadn't come to terms with T's death, once it was over no one even spoke his name around our house,
I got withdrawn (sent out of class) for 1st time in my life for refusing to do a drama monologue on the day of my cousins birthday (thats another post which I will write shortly), the next week we had a Religious Instruction band come and play, the lecturer guy for them, basically stood up and spoke about death and dying and suicide for a full hour. I made it 1/2 way through before leaving in tears absolutely shattered, about 6 of us left from that due to various personal tragedies, the worst was a friend whose cousin had suicided the week before. That was my first experience of the counsellors office, soon it would become a second home.
Towards the end of the year one of our close family friends who was in year 12 was driving some of her friends home after a study session. Next thing the car ended up wrapped around a pole. One of the girls died in that car. Again the school went into shock, another wasted life, and heaps more completely changed forever, I remember watching Lauren get up on stage to read a poem she had written at the end of year assembly, it was heartbreaking yet inspiring that she found the strength to do that.
Year 9- Another of my friends attempted suicide, survived and was ok, but arriving at school the next day was out of control, year level meetings, the lifeline and reach out cards handed out.
Then there was the group of us who were closest to him who met in the counselling offices. I think we used about 20 trees worth of tissues that day. Things were said from emotional places, feelings were hurt, we almost had a punch and people were screamed at. I tried to run away, I couldn't deal with it, only to be caught by Peter ( the later boyfriend who locked me in the car), that day was the day I thought he'd changed, he held me and told me it would be ok, and he listened to my crying babble, until I almost feel asleep completely exhausted. We sorted it out, everyone made up and James came back to school.
Year 10- Moved into the new house, got a job, then we discovered a girl in the year below me had cancer again, and this time was it. There was nothing that could be done. She fought, fought hard, she got her wish to go to the daintree rainforest and fly in a hot air balloon. She died. I remember my home group teacher breaking down and crying when she told us why we had a special assembly that day. This was also when I started hurting, badly. But I didn't tell, it had been building for ages, but I kept telling myself everything was ok, except it wasn't.
I had a small operation to remove a cyst from my eye, because of the placement I was offered general anasthetic (and I took it, I was told I would otherwise have to be operated on with my eye open- no thank you). I had a great friend come and take me to the hospital that morning (she is a nurse so was great at keeping me calm and explaining everything), mum didn't even ask if I wanted her to come, just said oh good Karen can do that I'm too busy. Well that set the mood for the day. I got home just after lunch (day procedure) and went straight back to sleep, I woke up later and went and sat outside, next thing dad came through and tripped on a tether tennis racket that had been left around, he was angry about something and next thing he'd picked it up and threw it straight through the front window in front of me. I sat there stunned and showered with glass, already with a splitting headache and lost it burst into tears. Mum didn't even try and comfort me, just told me to grow up and get over it. I walked out then, I walked to Karen's house (well I tried) she only lived a few streets away. I think mum must have rang her and told her I was headed her way, she met me 1/2 way picked me and took me home. Held me until I cried myself to sleep.
year 11- One of the main science teachers at our school passed away, unexpectedly. He had some form of ongoing blood clotting issues, but it was based in acute attacks, from what I believe he had a rupture in his esophagus and bleed to death very quickly. Again the school went into mourning. Yr 11 is also when things got more serious at home. By this stage my role was now to wash, clean, cook, do dishes, iron, entertain the girls, along with helping with the backyard, maintain my A grades so the world didnt think anything was wrong, play softball and netball, along with coaching and umpiring and also work part time at KFC for 15-20hrs a wk. I wasn't allowed to call up sick, or say no to a shift if they rang and asked me, which they did a lot.
My sleeping started to suffer, I got angry and was depressed, but by now I'd hidden it enough, I knew what to do to get me through, that was to write, I wrote everywhere and about anything, except I only ever hide it in certain spots, because mum would go through everything, no matter what is was as soon as I was out she would read my stuff and I know she did, I even caught her a few years ago reading my sisters journals. Now theres a line between reading the 'secrets' of a 6yr old to a 15-16 year old.
Year 12- was when I finally crashed.
The massive fire, 9 people died, including the psychology teacher at the school, more friends who lost homes, and even more who were damaged, the baseball club was only just missed. We drove past two of the crash sites, when they were pulling bodies out. One of the worst experiences of my life, we were packed and ready to go, i was trying to keep 7 children calm while mum got organised, driving down the street and one of the kids goes "whats that?" we looked to see a wall of orange and red go racing over the hills straight down to the water, we knew then people were in trouble. Listening on the radio to the reports, that never seemed to stop, worrying about dad and the other volunteers who were out there fighting the fires, who knew if they would come back alive. Turns out two of the firefighters died out there that day.
This was the weekend before school started. Our year 12 year. We were supposed to have done pre readings, be organised, calm, planned out, ready to start the year with a bang. We did start with a bang, that was deciding to get the word 'SURVIVORS' printed across the back of our graduation jumpers. We also started with the smell of smoke lingering again, 1/2 the school still being used a refuge centre and teachers and students glassy eyed in shock. That was crazy.
It took me a good few months to get back to 'normal' after that. I dont know what triggered it off again, but something did. Towards the middle of the year I slumped again, this time badly. To the point of writing notes and making plans, extremely detailed plans. I found out at one point my best friend had actually attempted her plans (i didn't discover this until much later), I ended up confiding in another friend, about everything, I wrote her letters and poems, some of my inner most devious thoughts, she kept them. She was the only person who knew what a living hell I'd been stuck in. That was enough to get me through, knowing she was always there, that pushed me to keep striving to do well at school, keep pushing the boundaries.
I know my teachers were worried, but they thought it was normal end of school exam stress. I broke down on a couple of them because it was all too much and they looked and I knew they cared too deeply. Couldn't hold it together, yet still they didnt' ask questions (well not of me directly). Again I thought that once I got through year 12 everything would be ok. But it wasn't of course, there was more.
I reached a point where i just couldn't go on, there was no point, nothing was saving me and the thought of spending years at uni for a career, why should I have to do that just because everyone said I had the marks to. I guess I'm only just beginning to realise I've always been pushed to do things, not because I want to, but because others have made the decisions for me. To the point that when I left home I was never allowed to go to the doctors by myself, I always had to have a parent with me, the only phone calls I could make were for work, I had to tell exactly when I was coming home, if I was late prepare to be hit, punched, slapped or yelled at as I walked through the door (but in a quiet way so the girls wouldn't know). It got ridiculous.
Looking back at it now I'm amazed I got as far as I have now. I don't know how I held it together as long as I did. And now its all come unravelled it when it hurts, to realise all these things I've missed out on, or havent' done because fear or anxiety or life or other people have held me back is scary and sad.
so yeah thats a brief overview of my high school years and the start of my downhill spiral
Friday, October 1, 2010
One day.....
Ok this is going to be long (when isn't it) I'm finding tonight difficult for a few reasons.
1. Its the anniversary of my uncles passing tomorrow, and yet again I'm away from the family for it. I was away from them when it happened and I have a fear that something else bad is going to happen because I'm not there with everyone.
2. I'm still in reflection mood from my session with Nona yesterday, and realising a few things are changing and I am different
3. worried about umpiring tomorrow, first time I've umpired for 6 months, and I agreed thinking it would be bases, not realising it involves plates as well, did I mention I'm slightly anxious over it all. And it means the next 3 days are going to be at least 10+ hours on my feet in the first real heat of our spring.
I'm probably going to cut this up into a few posts tonight, just for length and managing myself, so yeah I understand if no one reads.
I'm going to start with the session with Nona yesterday. It was good to have a light session, I mean we still talked about hard stuff just took it very gently and I acknowledged how I was feeling and that I wasn't in the mood to go deeper.
We spoke about recognising how I had changed and being ok with those changes. That prompted me to drag out some old writing I did.
I wrote this about a year after the assaults, it was written just after I told for the first time, and I'd just seen my first counsellor who pretty much pushed me out the door and sent me straight to another clinic, which were great (I'm still with them now) but the 1st counsellor I saw there left unexpectedly after I'd seen her for 4 sessions (just long enough to form a strong bond and feel ok in trusting). I was highly depressed, and if I remember clearly (which I dont) this was written as a suicide note.
IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL OR DEPRESSED DONT HIDE IT, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP CALL LIFELINE ON 13 11 14 - 24/7
1. Its the anniversary of my uncles passing tomorrow, and yet again I'm away from the family for it. I was away from them when it happened and I have a fear that something else bad is going to happen because I'm not there with everyone.
2. I'm still in reflection mood from my session with Nona yesterday, and realising a few things are changing and I am different
3. worried about umpiring tomorrow, first time I've umpired for 6 months, and I agreed thinking it would be bases, not realising it involves plates as well, did I mention I'm slightly anxious over it all. And it means the next 3 days are going to be at least 10+ hours on my feet in the first real heat of our spring.
I'm probably going to cut this up into a few posts tonight, just for length and managing myself, so yeah I understand if no one reads.
I'm going to start with the session with Nona yesterday. It was good to have a light session, I mean we still talked about hard stuff just took it very gently and I acknowledged how I was feeling and that I wasn't in the mood to go deeper.
We spoke about recognising how I had changed and being ok with those changes. That prompted me to drag out some old writing I did.
I wrote this about a year after the assaults, it was written just after I told for the first time, and I'd just seen my first counsellor who pretty much pushed me out the door and sent me straight to another clinic, which were great (I'm still with them now) but the 1st counsellor I saw there left unexpectedly after I'd seen her for 4 sessions (just long enough to form a strong bond and feel ok in trusting). I was highly depressed, and if I remember clearly (which I dont) this was written as a suicide note.
What fight?
Everyone tells me to fight it,
snap out of it,
We dont want you like that again,
You sound down, tired?
Hello! so glad you finally noticied,
Only taken you months,
As if you really care,
You think I've gone stupid,
Just cos I'm sick,
your hoping I don't notice,
The looks the stares,
the silent unasked questions,
which somehow still get answered.
Oh well I want to tell you,
I notice all that and so much more,
More than you could ever imagine,
You think it doesn't hurt because I don't show it,
You think I'm fine because I can smile and laugh,
Because I have to hide my feelings, because I'm constantly on guard,
You think it will all go away if we dont talk,
You don't stop and think about how I'm feeling do you?
Having to spend every single day in a fog, not being able to feel,
Walking into walls, doors and anything else because I'm not in my body,
You don't think I'm sick of fighting all my life for nothing,
You think I act scared and anxious for attention,
You think making your hurts seem worse than mine will make it all better,
You try and snap your fingers and it will all be over.
If only.....
I wish you knew the pain,
I wish you'd understand without having to be told,
I wish I didn't have to leave the barriers up all the time,
I wish I didn't have to shake, tremble and sweat through every hour of every day,
I wish I could go to sleep in less than 4 hours at night, without waking up, without screaming or dreaming,
I wish I could eat without feeling sick,
I wish I could feel emotion,
I wish I could cry, with someone to hold me,
For the younger me, for the me now who no one understands, for the person I can't be now,
I wish I could get out of bed in the morning on the first try,
I wish I didn't have to be constantly scared and jumpy,
I wish I wasn't feeling out of control all of the time.
Well I have news for you,
I'm sick of fighting a worthless fight, with no sight of an end,
A stupid fight, no one else understands or feels my pain,
Sick of no one knowing,
Sick of having to lie,
Sick of having no support,
Sick of the support I have breaking down,
Sick of treatment,
Sick of being told I have to fight, I can't give up, by people who have no idea, and are always way to happy,
sick of being sick without a reason.
Why don't you walk in my shoes, for one day, maybe even one hour,
Take a bus trip with me and see how I react,
Picture yourself in my shoes for just a little bit,
Then try and tell yourself, you have to fight,
When your already fighting for every single tiny thing you do every day,
Have some understanding, otherwise theres just no point.
I'm over fighting.....
Understand now??
I remember driving that night, I didn't know where I was going except I was going away, somewhere...forever. I woke up to myself at one point, when I was speeding down a road at 4am and I came to a tunnel, solid concrete, I remember thinking to myself thats it, I'm done, cant take anymore. I dont remember anything else, its all blank. Next thing I know Im in the hallway of my house completely numb, not sure what to do, who to call or what had happened. I ended up messaging a friend at about 6am, I'd been awake for roughly 48 hours, I was completely wired. We had a message conversation for a while and eventually I feel asleep, I slept for a full day and when I woke up I realised I had to change something. There were many many other incidents along the way, the times when the buses were going past just that little bit fast and the kerb is only a 30cm step away from death, driving along and thinking of swerving into many a truck, bus or building, even going as far as falling into a fryer at work. I'm ashamed it got to that point, reading it now in fact I'm totally horrified.
But the thing is after that I changed, I pushed myself to go back to counselling, I missed a couple of sessions, but I went back, with her support I pushed to see a doctor and after a consult and reading her letter he hastily prescribed me antidepressants and gave me phone numbers. I found it interesting that I was never offered to see a psychiatrist, but in the end its worked out ok.
IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL OR DEPRESSED DONT HIDE IT, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP CALL LIFELINE ON 13 11 14 - 24/7
Reflecting now on that night and what I wrote I'd like to say this.
If I could say anything to that girl that night,
It would be, hang on,
hold tight, sit back and breathe,
breathe again, and again,
Take a chance,
Hold onto hope,
Keep breathing, keep dreaming and keep pushing,
Its hard, god its hard
But there are people out there who care,
Someone does understand,
It is possible,
The days will blend into another,
Relax,
Do what you need
to survive each day,
You've come this far,
Find a safe space and make it yours,
Mine was my bed,
Thats where I'm sitting right now,
My blue and purple sea creature cover,
My big strong pillow,
My sanctuary.
Keep walking, each day is a new start,
At first they all hurt as much as each other,
When you realise its a new start, to the same story,
When each decision is racked with pain, shame and guilt,
When even showering brings up the body issue,
How much you hate yourself and your body,
How much it betrayed you on that night and across the whole experience,
It shows the confusion and pain, you see the scars,
You know why they are there,
You hide the emotions for another day, because it seems to hard,
because they are unknown,
they are weakness,
vulnerability,acceptance,
pain, shame, guilt and blame,
yet they are also responsibility, courage, strength and belief.
Hiding makes it worse, deep down you know that,
it buries it deeper, to make it more painful to uncover
the pain and shame multiplied a million times over,
the tears when they come, they hurt,
they stab and attack
The dreams come back worse, you scream again,
But this time not because of what you couldn't do,
Because of what you did,
Slowly the recognition will start,
You will believe you did it,
Not that its ok, or to make it right, It'll never be right,
But you survived,
You lived through the main part,
Sometimes this fight seems worse than that night,
But this fight has something more meaningful attached,
Your LIFE.
You wont understand this reading it now,
But I know you read the books,
look at the sites and read other stories like this one,
You sit and wonder, is it really ever going to be like that,
Can I really smile and laugh and feel free again,
Are they making it up?
What if I'm different?
What if I'm to scarred, wrong or hurt?
I'm here to tell you is it real,
It doesn't happen overnight,
But hey you know that,
It does happen though,
It will take work on your part,
But I know you can do it,
You've done it before and your practicing it everyday
By being alive,
By fighting the thoughts and the noises of 'the voice',
ignoring the hurtful comments,dealing with the pain of broken trusts as they come up,
By sharing and continuing to breathe
and finding friends who trust and are open,
who are amazing and inspirational
By being strong to let the real you through, if only for a tiny part each day
You have won.
To anyone reading this who is fighting something in your lives, even if your struggling with an issue regardless of what it is keep going, keep fighting it, one day you will succeed and you will be so much stronger for the fight your now going through. Remember to be gentle to yourselves as you go through it, and always remember where you've come from, its hard and difficult but it helps to see you are achieving things, regardless of how small the steps feel. <3
I'm going to leave it there for tonight. I need some sleep and need to be gentle with my now crying self.
Note to Self- tomorrow (or whenever) finish story bout Unc T & Emma the first real support person
Nite
Mel =)
I may not get to blog much over the weekend, so if not have an awesome long weekend (if you get a long weekend).
xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)